Sundays are becoming more and more special to me, because they’re the day I’m with the kids. This Sunday we spent the morning at the beach:
And played in the waves:
Then we had a few hours relaxing at our home and went to see an animated 3-D flick:
Leaving the kids this time around was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I wanted desperately for things to go back to the way they were–before we had to take turns and before each time I had with them meant that I would have to say good-bye (again). Knowing that no amount of fun that I have with them during “my time” can compensate for the fact that I can’t have them all the time anymore…
It must be a normal thing to hit this emotional wall where you just want everything to be as it was. I can remember back when I was going through my cancer treatments when I would close my eyes and try to wish away all of the ways my life had changed. But no amount of denial ever made it so. I understand that. I know this is a “what has to be done” moment just like those health traumas were so many years ago–like that terrible day when I woke up and realized that my leg was gone and it just wasn’t going to grow back again.
But, by god, knowing all of that doesn’t stop me from wishing, crying, and bone-deep aching right now…as I once again drive away from the home that we used to all share together.