I won’t be broken again….

Written by

Jana

in

This is one of those days I probably should stay away from my computer. When I feel so raw and tired of being open. And I’m. just. tired. Tired, I say.

This song, especially the refrain that I’ve put in bold type, was going through my head at Meeting this morning:

Going Under, by Evanescence
Now I will tell you what I’ve done for you
50 thousand tears I’ve cried
Screaming, deceiving, and bleeding for you
And you still won’t hear me
Don’t want your hand this time, I’ll save myself
Maybe I’ll wake up for once
Not tormented…Daily defeated by you
Just when I thought I’d reached the bottom

I’m dying again…

I’m going under
Drowning in you
I’m falling forever
I’ve got to break through
I’m going under

Blurring and stirring the truth and the lies
So I don’t know what’s real and what’s not
Always confusing the thoughts in my head
So I can’t trust myself anymore

I’m dying again

So go on and scream
Scream at me
I’m so far away
I won’t be broken again
I’ve got to breathe
I can’t keep going under

The video for this song is a bit creepy, but if you’re not familiar with the tune, you might enjoy watching it (then again, maybe not, as it is pretty dark like a Buffy episode). I like the parts where she’s singing underwater–as someone who often feels more “right” in the water than on land, it works for me. The water part starts at 1:57 for those who want to skip straight to it,

The other song going through my head today has a video that’s definitely worth watching.

Are there times in your life when you’re just not “ready to make nice” to please someone else? What do you do? Sometimes I hide in the dark house with the drapes closed or go to my garden. Sometimes I scream. Or clean house. Or just roll into a ball and cry.

Comments

7 responses to “I won’t be broken again….”

  1. catbonny Avatar
    catbonny

    I like to write letters to people in my journal. Most of the time these letters are for myself and not the other person, and believe me, there are some pretty not nice ones in some of my old journals. If I cannot muster up the composure to write actual letters, I write really vague stringy and not very poetic narrative, which is usually really poor writing, but kind of lets the anger and the pain and all the pent up emotions just spill out somewhere that is kind of outin the open.

    I also really like painting when I am upset. I am really into violent brush strokes and lots of dramatic thick black lines of paint. One time when I was not ready to talk to one of my friends about a confrontational situation we sat down and painted together and that really mounded up, but eventually eased the tension and and helped me to nonverbally and eventually verbally communicate with my friend.

    And at the same time, I think sometimes the best thing to do is just curl up and cry.

    Reply
  2. john.white Avatar
    john.white

    Meeting is my outlet for this kind of emotion. I think this was the last time I got that worked up about something. I guess Meeting is a valuable resource for me.

    And I can’t really watch the second video without wanting to get a comparative face-time report on all the band members. Oh, the cute lead singer gets the most? I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. The rest of the Dixie Chicks are worried about becoming the Miami Sound Machine of country rock. Am I right?

    Reply
  3. alisonwonderland Avatar
    alisonwonderland

    wow! i’ve been listening to a little Evanescence for the first time this week, and i’m discovering quite a few great lyrics. i’d never heard the Dixie Chicks song (i’m not a country music person), but i found it very powerful. thanks for sharing!

    Reply
  4. alisonwonderland Avatar
    alisonwonderland

    p.s. one of my favorite Evanesence lines is “don’t try to fix me, i’m not broken” from “Hello”.

    Reply
  5. jana Avatar
    jana

    Alison:
    The line you mentioned from “Hello” is probably my all-time favorite line from Evanescence. I want to sing it as loudly and as clearly as she does whenever I get really frustrated with someone’s advice for me.

    Gosh, I _so_ wish I had Amy’s singing voice. She is an angel and has such passion when she sings. I like her stage presentation, too. She purposefully tries not to sell herself on a sexy image and it comes off so clearly in her performance.

    Reply
  6. jana Avatar
    jana

    Oh, and BTW, I don’t do country either, but Dixie Chicks seem to cross the genre boundary (at least for me).

    Reply
  7. Deborah Avatar
    Deborah

    “I don’t do country either.”

    Sigh. Well I *suppose* we can still be friends . . .

    Reply

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