Category: deep thoughts

  • just as much exultation…

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    “One can get just as much exultation on losing oneself in a little thing as in a big thing. It is nice to think how one can be recklessly lost in a daisy [or, in any other pretty flower].”

    ~Anne Morrow Lindbergh

    This quote is driving some of my goals and plans for the next few months. While there are some grand adventures that lie ahead (so grand, I feel as though I found a magic genie-bottle and am happily frittering away my wishes–there will be planes and trains and oceans to cross), I also want to remember small pleasures. Such as …the wind from the sea in my eyes, reading a novel while lying on a blanket in a park, the taste of honeysuckle dew, repeating some lines of alliterative poetry, and waking up from a good night’s sleep…

  • forty

    In years past, I’ve had some momentous birthday celebrations. I’ll certainly never forget my 38th, and my 39th went well, too. However as my birthday approached this year, I found I just wasn’t up for a fundraising campaign. Such efforts take a lot of work, and…there are so many other things taking my mental energy already. I didn’t even know if I wanted to have a party at all this year, or just spend time with the people that I’m closest to–or perhaps even alone.

    However, at the last minute I sent out an invite to some friends and suggested that they gather for a casual evening at chez Remy to celebrate along with me. And I think the evening turned out to be just the right way to mark my 40 years. Friends tell me that I was giggling so hard at moments that my lips were turning blue (I suspect that this was actually a bit of blue frosting off of some cupcakes, but either way….such fun).  There were big hugs and and tasty food and plenty of animated conversation.   That friends traveled from near and far to join me, means more than I can say.

    I didn’t take any pictures–I wanted to be fully present and not behind the lens. But a friend managed to snap one pic of me, and I’m grateful for the way it shows my uninhibited joy. Forty years is a long time to be spinning on this planet, and all forty have them have been wonderful. I can’t wait to see what the next few birthdays will bring my way!

  • The Rules & My Rules

    Some of my single friends and I recently discussed The Rules, a handbook for dating based on traditional gender roles. I don’t want to give that book too much airtime here, because I think it’s hooey. However, you’re welcome to follow the link if you’re curious what The Rules are. So I decided to make my own list of Rules, and this is what I came up with so far (although I will admit that I’ve not followed any of these very rigidly…):

    Don’t talk about dates on Twitter (or on your blog)
    Do add your date as a Facebook friend
    Don’t add date pics to Facebook (unless it’s a group date or a special occasion)
    Do google your date before you meetup
    First dates are over coffee
    Second dates are lunch
    Third dates are dinner
    Don’t go to movies on dates
    Pay for your half of the tab and expect your date to do the same
    Do bring up a feminist topic on the first date to judge your date’s reaction
    Don’t date anyone who doesn’t read books
    Don’t date anyone who doesn’t cook
    If a good date, follow-up with a friendly email or text message
    Don’t talk about exes on dates
    Do have fun and be yourself (don’t pretend to be someone you’re not)
    Don’t date anyone who only talks about themselves
    Don’t go rock climbing with someone who’s never been before

  • closer to the edge…

    A friend sent me a link to the video above, with a note saying how it reminded him of where I’m at in my life right now. Not all of the lyrics of the song apply to me, of course, but I am definitely wanting not to live a life of “what ifs” and regrets. Perhaps that does translate well to “living closer to the edge.”  I want to take each day as it comes and simply live. As my friend Sara said so powerfully in so many ways on her blog, “Live Now, Die Later.”

  • on this day…

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    I encountered this old family Bible this morning, in the place where I’m staying this weekend, and reading the list of entries of significant family events reminded me how important it is to mark the significant events in our lives. And just because it is so charming, I’ll give you a few handwritten lines from this text:

    My daughter Mary was born on 24th of Febr: 1648 at Rocky m Shopshire betwixt a 2 & Half an Houre past 8 at night. My Father Robi is God Father, Mrs. Mason Mc Ball God Mother….
    My Daughter Dorothy was born at Sutton in Surrey on 14th of May 1680 about half an Hour after 5 in the evening Sir Rich Mason Mr John Inwood God-Fathers Mrs Margaret Mason Mrs Draper God-Mothers

    So this line of thinking prompted my reflection about today being one of the more significant anniversaries in my life…On this day in 1984 I was diagnosed with bone cancer. Ever since then, I’ve found May 21st to be a heavy day. Bad things don’t necessarily happen to me on the anniversary of this event, but I can’t help but re-live some of the horror of the doctor’s words as he told me that my life would change forever.  This was back in the day before “cancer awareness” and widespread survival from the disease. Up to that point I’d never known anyone who’d had cancer and lived to tell the tale.  And while I’ve lived through and well-beyond my cancer experience, the reminder of how it changed my life still lingers and feels a bit raw on this date every year…

    So…I didn’t plan my day with anything to specifically respond to this anniversary. Rather, I let my day evolve rather organically, to see what adventures might fall in my path. It began quite early (5am!), with a drive up the 101 freeway to my outrigger race. And that race was one of the best ever–with an enthusiastic team and wild ride on a huge wave back to shore (and that stellar ending where I jumped out of the canoe and into the surf!). I ran in the earliest race slot, which meant I was finished by 10am. And from that point on, so many interesting happenings: a warm shower in a rock waterfall, mid-morning coffee and a photo session in an old church, several used bookstores, a bison burger, finding the perfect pretty little sundress, a rather-thrilling drive up into the hills above Ventura, chile verde, meeting a vintner/sommelier and taste-testing his week-old bottling of a yummy cabernet sauvignon, a special treat for my upcoming birthday (with homemade caramel sauce–yum!), and a long evening conversation with a nonfiction writer who’s working on a YA book about the wildlife of the Channel Islands (including this kitten-sized Island fox).  And now I’m lounging in front of a fireplace with a warm fire and am feeling quite satisfied at how this day turned out.  I couldn’t have planned it any better if I had tried…

  • I contain multitudes

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    Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes.

    ~Walt Whitman

    A colleague shared the quote above with me when I contradicted myself this morning.  There’s something enchanting about recognizing and embracing one’s own internal inconsistencies–and for being human, flawed, confused, and malleable/mutable/changing.  I say one thing, I do another.  I set my compass in one direction, and then take a U-turn before reaching my destination.

    One more from a fellow transcendentalist,

    “A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of feeble minds”

    ~Henry Thoreau

  • blame it on the rain…

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    It’s pouring rain this morning–an unusual event in a SoCal spring.  As I prepped for work and grabbed the umbrella I bought in Portland under threat of rain on my last trip and the raincoat purchased on a gusty-drizzly afternoon in England’s Lake District, I felt such hunger to travel again.

    And as I commuted in gnarly rain-related traffic on the 55 this morning, I was so tempted to just keep going–back to my rainy December spent in Pasadena, with quiet wet afternoon walks around the rose gardens of the Huntington Library.

  • Reading is Sexy

    “Great writers are either husbands or lovers. Some writers supply the solid virtues of a husband: reliability, intelligibility, generosity, decency. There are other writers in whom one prizes the gifts of a lover, gifts of temperament rather than of moral goodness. Notoriously, women tolerate qualities in a lover—moodiness, selfishness, unreliability, brutality—that they would never countenance in a husband, in return for excitement, an infusion of intense feeling. In the same way, readers put up with unintelligibility, obsessiveness, painful truths, lies, bad grammar — if, in compensation, the writer allows them to savor rare emotions and dangerous sensations. And, as in life, so in art both are necessary, husbands and lovers. It’s a great pity when one is forced to choose between them.”
    ~Susan Sontag

    reading is sexyIt’s been awhile since we’ve talked books (other than cookbooks) on my blog, but of course that doesn’t mean that I haven’t been reading. Although, of late, I’ve been reading more on my iPad than in ‘analog’ form. While there’s nothing quite as wonderful as holding a book in my hand and feeling its spine crack every so slightly with each turn of the page, the convenience of using an eReader makes them my favorite format these days–especially because I can sync my reading between my various desktop computers and laptops, my iPad, and iPhone (I have more of these devices that I can keep track of nowadays!). Here’s a list of some of the books that I’ve either recently finished or am currently reading:

    The Great Railway Bazaar
    This travel narrative by Paul Theroux is a description of his rail travels around Asia (including the Orient Express and the trans-Siberian express), and is what I dip into before bed most nights. He’s got me dreaming of future train-related adventures (I’m compiling a list of all those must-do journeys!). I’ve also got his book The Happy Isles of Oceania: Paddling the Pacific on my nightstand–to read as soon as I finish the Railway Bazaar.

    Oranges Are Not the Only Fruit
    I discovered Jeannette Winterson through her Bill Moyer’s interview about religion and writing. I first read her book Weight: The Myth of Atlas and Heracles because I’m always game for a re-telling of a classic narrative. However, her writing in that book didn’t charm me nearly as much as in Oranges. But of course, I am always a fan of a coming-of-age tale, and the experience of the young protagonist who finds herself at odds with her family’s religious tradition because of her sexual orientation, resonated on many levels with my own experience. I’ve also just barely finished reading her book Written on the Body, which had some of the most tantalizingly-beautiful descriptions of physical love that I’ve ever encountered. The ending left me a bit flat, however (a cancer story–ugh). But I still highly recommend it, especially as a potent rumination on the way we humans tend to ‘create’ our lovers to satisfy our own needs.

    Tess of the D’Urbervilles
    This past year I’ve been re-reading many old favorite novels–especially those that impacted me significantly as a teen or young-20-something.  I dove back into Tess for that reason.  I first encountered Tess in high school and probably re-read it every year until my mid-20s (as well as Hardy’s entire oeuvre–his bleak settings with such tragic scarred characters really spoke to me when I was younger.  Why, I’m still not sure).  Tess grabbed me all over again, the words and storyline so familiar.  I’m at once comforted by the routine-ness of the story, as well as freshly horrified by the plotline.  I see myself, my daughter, and every other woman I know, vulnerable on its pages.

    Storming the Gates of Paradise: Landscapes for Politics
    For someone who knows the West as I do, Solnit’s writing feels as familiar as the rolling hills of California.  A perfect accompaniment to my many recent roadtrips, and an affirmation of the importance of this land and our stewardship over it. Her chapter “Sontag and the Tsunami” sums up many of my own feelings about the cultural valence of war, poverty, and calamity:

    “We cannot wish that human beings were not subject to the forces of nature, including the mortality that is so central a part of our own nature.  We cannot wish that the seas dry up, that the waves grow still, that the tectonic plates cease to exist, that nature ceases to be beyond our abilities to predict and control.  But the terms of that nature include such catastrophe and such suffering, which leaves us with sorrow as not a problem to be solved but a fact.  And it leaves us with compassion as the work we will never finish.”

     

     

  • vistas

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    This has been a week of hard work and travel. It’s the end of the semester crunch, I’ve been in the last stages of training for the opening of my outrigger season, and have layered on to that some significant obligations to friends and family. Oh, and also…I’ve found a house for the kids and I to move into later this summer (a house with roses, no less. Roses. And did I mention roses?)…

    As I look out at the months to come, I feel a lot like those wide open vistas that I encountered coming down highway 89 in Arizona last weekend. There’s so much ahead. Some of it is mysterious and indistinct. Some of it I can see clearly, but it’s going to be a bit of a climb. And some of it still lies around the bend in the road and I have no idea what will emerge as I move forward.

    Whew.

    It’s a lot, even for a pilgrim soul like mine.

    But it’s all good.

  • trying again

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    Nearly every picture I take, I evaluate it and find things that I could have done differently. I’m learning. I’m making mistakes. But I’m enjoying the process and trying and trying and trying again. When I’m behind the lens my whole body relaxes and it’s just me and whatever is in my viewfinder.

    And, on a mostly-unrelated note, I was feeling sad about some divorce-related things yesterday. A friend mentioned to me that it was okay to cry. I don’t think he knew that I usually don’t think it’s okay to cry. And so when another friend comforted me last night I let myself acknowledge what I was feeling inside and the tears flowed. I think I’ve only done that once since my marriage ended. It felt awkward and embarrassing to be so emotional. But I did it anyways. And it was okay. I was okay.

  • whirlwind

    orchards and sky
    It seems that sometimes life sends a convergence of happenings all at once.  Of course it can be thrilling when this happens, but it can also be tiring or stressful, or even the best-laid plans can go awry in the midst of the whirlwind.

    This past week held a bit of that craziness for me.  It was Spring Break for the kiddos and I had conference travel planned.  Then I added into the mix a much-needed four-day vacation to Portland…and then there was some major emotional stuff happening that I won’t go into now, but that definitely made this week out-of-the-norm (in a good way).

    So I was scheduled to fly to a conference in Palo Alto this weekend, and instead I decided to drive.  I realized that I needed the wide open spaces–both the landscape and the time to think as I sat behind the wheel.  And I needed very much just to be alone for awhile.

    I’m still digesting it all, making sense of change.  Making sense of this huge love I have for my life and for the state where I live (really, I feel like I could give the entire state of California a bit wet slobbery kiss after driving through the central valley, and following the meandering road over the Pacheco Pass).  Over the past ten years or so I’ve built up some strong walls around my emotions–as a protective mechanism to prevent being hurt (by the Mormons, by my ex-spouse, by academia, etc).  I’m breaking down a few of those barriers right now, ever-so-tentatively.  It’s hard work, being vulnerable again.  But I think I’m ready.

    At this moment I’m my bathrobe sitting on the balcony of a quiet hotel, looking out over a waterfall and dense trees.  It’s the first time that I’ve ever spent an Easter weekend alone (in recent years, I’ve been here). But it feels right for where I am in my life right now.  And I do have the loveliest view…

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  • beyond my reasonable self…

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    “What I fear and desire most in this world is passion. I fear it because it promises to be spontaneous, out of my control, unnamed, beyond my reasonable self. I desire it because passion has color, like the landscape before me. It is not pale. It is not neutral. It reveals the backside of the heart.”
    ~Terry Tempest Williams

    I suppose we are all a mass of contradictions. What we want we also the most afraid of. What we cherish is what we find most elusive.

    A major contradiction in my life is the tension between my online and my ‘real life’ self. I’m actually a fairly pragmatic and reasonable person. Aside from my morning meditation and the time I occasionally spend on my porch with a cup of tea, I’m not particularly contemplative. I usually only wear pink with irony, and I’m rarely sentimental in my daily conversation (although, I will admit to wearing flowers behind my ear to the office quite often).

    There’s an interior part of me that’s romantic and rose-loving and full of poetry. She leaks out here on this electronic page quite often. But she is just one part of who I am, and isn’t much present when I interact with other people. Perhaps she is who I once was–that little girl who gobbled up the novels of L.M. Montgomery and dreamed of someday marrying her own Professer Bhaer (and who was quite sure that she would someday be a famous research scientist like Meg Murry’s mother).

    But one of the most important lessons that I’ve learned from growing up, is that fairytales can be dangerous things. Focusing only on the flowers in the midst of a desert can be a lovely exercise, but it’s not the best guiding principle for an adult life. That this blog often veers into sentimentality is a counterpoint to the sometimes-difficult realities of my lived experience. I know full well that life isn’t a path strewn with roses, and that what washes up on the beach is more often stinky seaweed than seaglass. But sometimes it’s nice to have a vision of that possibility as one is meandering through the thorny details of the day.