“Tourists don’t know where they’ve been…Travelers don’t know where they’re going.”
~Paul Theroux, The Happy Isles of Oceania
Category: deep thoughts
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Travelers…
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holding it in…
After a few attempts to get up the rock wall last night, my climbing partner observed that I seemed unusually stressed. She suggested that I just hang out for a bit and talk before I got back on the wall. When she pointed that out, I realized just how wound up my body was–I was talking a bit too fast, holding my shoulders tight, creasing that space between my eyebrows…I wasn’t climbing particularly well, either–I was too tense to stretch and reach and feel confident.
There are days when things tend to cluster in my life (and in my mind), and worry overtakes me for awhile–even when it’s sort of simmering beneath the surface and I don’t realize it. The various things that are concerning me right now: moving, job, research, health, kids…they are impacting me far more than I’d like to admit. My back muscles are taut, my throat feels sore, my food isn’t digesting well, and I’m wishing away some of my responsibilities.
I know this will pass and tomorrow or the next day I’ll feel relaxed and lighthearted again. But some days…are just harder than others.
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to travel well…
It is better to travel well than to arrive.
~BuddhaThis time around, my traveling took on a new pattern. Instead of making a long list of ‘must-see’ places, I carried some guidebooks and maps around (on my iPad–so convenient), and let serendipity guide much of my wanderings. The second and third days in Provence I had no reservations and no firm plan except that I had a vague notion of wanting to see St. Remy-de-Provence because of being a Remy myself. And while that town was utterly charming, it was more crowded and less fun than the other parts of Provence that I visited. Some things I learned from this experience:
-local Visitor’s Bureaus are invaluable resources for finding lodging at the last minute
-much of Provence is not in guidebooks and can’t be found through a Google search
-the locals were eager to make suggestions for excellent eating, and they were more than willing to go out of their way to make sure that we didn’t get lost in our search for food and lodging
-though at times the roundabouts were confusing, most every road was well signposted for finding one’s way
-when you get up one morning with the intention of ‘driving to the next village’ for coffee and you just start driving in whatever random direction seems interesting, it might be a very long time before you find coffee. But when you do, it will be at the perfect little family-run cafe with pain chocolate and a hot dark brew.
More than anything, I learned to release my need to know everything ahead of time. I let myself just be where I was, even if that included being a wee bit hungry when a restaurant wasn’t just around the corner. I not only found beautiful medieval towns, waterways, rock formations, and tasty olives-wine-lavender-cheese, but I also found huge comfort in learning to do things a new way, and to even enjoyed it more than how I’ve traveled in the past.
I used to be far more afraid of an uncertain future. But I’m not (so much) now…
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unthinkably good things can happen…
On the last day of my trip when I was feeling blue about having to return home, a ladybug landed on my arm. I held it in my hands for a bit, remembering all of the times that my kids and I had held critters and talked about them (we would sit for hours in the garden and experience whatever came our way, but ladybugs were always an especially fun find, part of why I’ve sometimes called Catgirl ‘ladybug’). A few times we even bought ladybugs and released them into our garden to eat the aphids on our roses.
Perhaps what I was thinking of most as that little critter crawled up and down my arm, was simply how random and beautiful life is. So many twists and turns have brought me to where I am now–some the result of long-sown seeds of intention and some the result of complete serendipity. But it seems that the most important thing is to continue to marvel at what life brings and to slow down a bit on those days that ladybugs (and butterflies and new friends) find me…Yes, it’s a bit cliche to say it that way, but sometimes when life gives you a cliche, you’ve got to embrace that, too :)
(Sort of like this clip from “Under the Tuscan Sun”….):
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burning
Isn’t it enough to see that a garden is beautiful without having to believe that there are fairies at the bottom of it too?
~Douglas Adams
Over and over again during my travels I found myself drawn into churches (this behavior undoubtedly abetted by the fact that France and Belgium are chock-full of churches). I love the cool quiet spaces of sanctuaries–for meditation and for observation.While at one famous church in Paris, I lit a candle for a friend and said a prayer for her. Paying 2 euros for the candle before lighting and setting it on the stand felt a bit…cheap to me. I didn’t want to think about money, only about my friend. I suppose that’s why I tend to feel so conflicted about religion–somehow the practicalities of the organizations (money, structure, authority) tend to bog down what’s most beautiful about the devotion of the adherents. Yet, as frustrated as I am with religion, I give homage to the beautiful spaces that are the remnants of such faith–the church structures that delight and lift my thoughts a bit higher.
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by leaving our safety net…
Oh, I love this article and the connections it draws between lust and wanderlust. I’ve done a bit of that myself, these past few months, so I can relate to Eaves’ stories–there’s something so fresh with potential when meeting someone new while traveling…
Written on five small sheets of yellow notepaper, the letter read in part: “By leaving our safety net, we have thrown our souls upon the wind, exposing ourselves to all of the fears and dangers that we sought to protect each other from, and in doing so, we have made ourselves available to experience things that … border on the magical.”
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francophilia & future dreams
Recently I told a friend the story of the print that hangs on my bedroom wall. It’s a Mary Cassatt, called “Summertime,” and I purchased the print in the spring of 1987. How do I remember that date so well? Because I’d just turned 16 and attended a local painting exhibit with a boyfriend–my first real ‘date.’ And the first time I remember seeing art hanging in a gallery. I saw my first Titian and my first Rembrandt, and the accompanying music was beautiful. Sort of as if I was seeing the world in a new way, to see how painters viewed it. So my mother bought the print for me and framed it and it’s hung in my home ever since.
Cassatt’s painting resonated with me at some level because of the water–nearly every art-print that I’ve ever bought has a lake/ocean/canal theme. But it also meant something important to me because of who she was–an American woman who traveled to Paris to study her craft. She inspired me to reach higher than my own smallish ambitions and to dream of living abroad someday. Although I’d already begun studying the French language by the time I encountered Cassatt, her work cemented my desire to learn that language and fostered an enduring passion for French culture, too.
When I first committed to returning to school ten years ago, it was no surprise that the first classes I took were to hone up my French. And then I had the serendipity of finding an amazing French teacher, who understood the power of big dreams (and I just now googled Jody to find a link to her book and learned that she died in March. Oh. Ouch. I’d long dreamed of getting ‘caught up’ with her again…).
She wrote, of her book:“There was a theme that was being played out on a daily basis in the lives of practically every woman I knew (not to mention my own): how can a woman satisfy the demands of the creative will and still preserve an intimate life? All the women I interviewed were driven in one direction or another by the fierce imperative of the creative will – whether to art, literature, psychology, or music. And all of them refused to sacrifice the private dimension of their lives: all were unwilling to give up the intimate and sexual rewards of a woman’s life…These interviews document the joys and difficulties of being a productive human being in the shape of a woman.”
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Wear sunscreen…
Some advice from a friend for my upcoming trip: “Do something every day that scares you” (and, wear sunscreen)…. I especially think that sunscreen advice is going to come in handy as I try out my very first European beach! ;-)
Picture of me above, taken on a happy afternoon while at the Annenberg Photography Space in Santa Monica.
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cliche
Let’s see, since I’m middle-aged and divorced and trying to make a new path for my life, I think that means it’s time to go to Italy, right? I’ll be just like Diane Lane and Elizabeth Gilbert…and before you know it, I’ll not only have a villa, a foreign lover, and a new outlook on the world, but I’ll finally be the real me. Don’t you think?
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dependence

I was chatting with CatGirl the other day when the subject of dependence came up. I took the opportunity to explain to her what the consequences were of the choices I made to marry young and start a family at age 21. That it meant that over a decade ago, when it became obvious that my spouse was not as trustworthy as he had seemed, that I was stuck. At that time I spent all day caring for my two young children. He took our only car to work everyday and our neighborhood wasn’t well-served by local bus routes. Which meant not only was I confined within the walls of our home nearly every hour of the day, but I was also ‘stuck’ in a larger sense. I’d never held a full-time job and my bachelor’s degree wasn’t in a marketable field. Even in college when I’d applied for crappy part-time jobs I’d usually been turned down because of my disability (this was back in the day when they could tell you to your face that “We think you just aren’t physically capable of this job”–which meant that somehow my artificial leg would prevent me from answering phones for an office?). And as a cancer survivor, I was also insurance-dependent, knowing that the only means I had for acquiring my expensive prosthetic limbs was via my spouse’s policy. The fear of losing my mobility loomed large.What I didn’t explain to her then, but will someday, is what followed. After celebrating my 30th birthday I started wearing black all of the time because I felt frumpy and old. Soon, I stopped eating, and then I spent most of the day staring listlessly into space while sitting on the back porch, or curled in a ball leaning against the washing machine and feeling its comforting hum. I thought too often about matches and knives and wanting my life to be over. My chronic bronchitis developed into chronic laryngitis. I whispered and wheezed. And over time I grew smaller and smaller and smaller…
So I told my daughter that I would always support and respect her choices for the future, but I hoped that she would never-ever-ever put herself in a position where she was as dependent as I was. Because everyone deserves mobility and opportunity for employment–even spouses who choose to stay at home and care for their children.
She was listening carefully as I spoke, and she agreed.
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a great lover…
A friend shared the poem below on my Facebook page recently, and it literally left me breathless as I read (note: I’ve made a few changes here to make it a bit more female-positive).
A few days ago I was having a thoughtful chat with another friend and it struck me how hard my life has often been–in that I’ve had to bend and alter my path because of situations beyond my control. So many of my wishes and desires are unfulfilled. There are so many ‘what ifs’ to my life that I simply can’t pursue because of circumstance. But despite this, I feel as though I’ve surrendered myself to these restrictions and found even more freedom through doing so. In large part, I think my ability to surface from a morass is because I simply love life so much, and I find huge pleasure in the smallest of things. Perhaps that’s the result of having survived so much already, or perhaps it’s simply my nature. I don’t know. But it makes me feel buoyant and strong.
The Great Lover
by Rupert BrookeI have been so great a lover: filled my days
So proudly with the splendour of Love’s praise,
The pain, the calm, and the astonishment,
Desire illimitable, and still content,
And all dear names [wo]men use, to cheat despair,For the perplexed and viewless streams that bear
Our hearts at random down the dark of life.
Now, ere the unthinking silence on that strife
Steals down, I would cheat drowsy Death so far,
My night shall be remembered for a starThat outshone all the suns of all [wo]men’s days.
Shall I not crown them with immortal praise
Whom I have loved, who have given me, dared with me
High secrets, and in darkness knelt to seeThe inenarrable god[dess]head of delight?
Love is a flame;—we have beaconed the world’s night.
A city:—and we have built it, these and I.An emp[ress]:—we have taught the world to die.
So, for their sakes I loved, ere I go hence,
And the high cause of Love’s magnificence,
And to keep loyalties young, I’ll write those names
Golden for ever, eagles, crying flames,
And set them as a banner, that [wo]men may know,
To dare the generations, burn, and blow
Out on the wind of Time, shining and streaming….
These I have loved:
White plates and cups, clean-gleaming,
Ringed with blue lines; and feathery, faery dust;
Wet roofs, beneath the lamp-light; the strong crust
Of friendly bread; and many-tasting food;
Rainbows; and the blue bitter smoke of wood;
And radiant raindrops couching in cool flowers;
And flowers themselves, that sway through sunny hours,
Dreaming of moths that drink them under the moon;
Then, the cool kindliness of sheets, that soon
Smooth away trouble; and the rough male kiss
Of blankets; grainy wood; live hair that is
Shining and free; blue-massing clouds; the keenUnpassioned beauty of a great machine;
The benison of hot water; furs to touch;
The good smell of old clothes; and other such—
The comfortable smell of friendly fingers,
Hair’s fragrance, and the musty reek that lingers
About dead leaves and last year’s ferns….
Dear names,
And thousand others throng to me! Royal flames;
Sweet water’s dimpling laugh from tap or spring;
Holes in the ground; and voices that do sing:
Voices in laughter, too; and body’s pain,
Soon turned to peace; and the deep-panting train;
Firm sands; the little dulling edge of foam
That browns and dwindles as the wave goes home;And washen stones, gay for an hour; the cold
Graveness of iron; moist black earthen mould;
Sleep; and high places; footprints in the dew;
And oaks; and brown horse-chestnuts, glossy-new;
And new-peeled sticks; and shining pools on grass;—
All these have been my loves. And these shall pass.
Whatever passes not, in the great hour,
Nor all my passion, all my prayers, have power
To hold them with me through the gate of Death.
They’ll play deserter, turn with the traitor breath,
Break the high bond we made, and sell Love’s trustAnd sacramented covenant to the dust.
—Oh, never a doubt but, somewhere, I shall wake,
And give what’s left of love again, and makeNew friends, now strangers….
But the best I’ve known,Stays here, and changes, breaks, grows old, is blown
About the winds of the world, and fades from brains
Of living [wo]men, and dies.
Nothing remains.O dear my loves, O faithless, once again
This one last gift I give: that after [wo]men
Shall know, and later lovers, far-removed
Praise you, “All these were lovely”; say, “[S]he loved.” -
dropping from the veils of the morning…
It’s a quiet morning, the members of my household all working in different tasks. Working together, but separate. There’s the sound of a neighbor’s friendly conversation that can be faintly heard through the window. The cawing of crows outside the front of our home is not so faint. But there are songbirds, too. And an occasional motorcycle or loud-ish car passing. There’s the tinkle of Ellycat’s bell as she wanders from room to room looking for a warm lap. And the living room is full of soft morning light.
A few days ago, Catgirl asked me about my synesthesia, specifically curious about the types of sensory cross-over that I experience. I don’t have the common variety of text-to-visual synesthesia. Rather, I have visual-to-sound and touch-to-visual. I explained to her that it’s why I can find it so difficult to shop in a mall or in an unfamiliar grocery store–the ‘loud’ designs of the displays create a tornado of sound in my head. It’s hard to process so much visual-sound all at once. It makes me want to find a dim quiet place to sit down and close my eyes. But, on the other hand, if I’m somewhere like an art museum and can take time to savor each painting, the result is far more melodic.
Lately, I’ve found that images with rich brown-grey colors are yielding such peaceful-quiet tones in my mind. There’s something about their softness that makes me breathe a little deeper and feel more relaxed. It’s almost beyond description, the way my mind makes sounds from images–so I don’t know if this makes any sense at all to someone who hasn’t experienced it. It’s similar to the way I feel when I read some poetry, such as the classic “Lake Isle of Innisfree.”
Here are some of my recent favorite “quiet” photos:
[flickrslideshow acct_name=”pilgrimgirl” id=”72157626821277615″]
The Lake Isle of Innisfree
By William Butler Yeats
I will arise and go now, and go to Innisfree,
And a small cabin build there, of clay and wattles made;
Nine bean rows will I have there, a hive for the honeybee,
And live alone in the bee-loud glade.And I shall have some peace there, for peace comes dropping slow,
Dropping from the veils of the morning to where the cricket sings;
There midnight’s all a-glimmer, and noon a purple glow,
And evening full of the linnet’s wings.I will arise and go now, for always night and day
I hear lake water lapping with low sounds by the shore;
While I stand on the roadway, or on the pavements gray,
I hear it in the deep heart’s core.

