Almost a decade ago, I started keeping a blog at enivri.com. My first “About” is below. So much has changed, and so much is the same…It’s a bit painful to see how strongly I defined myself by who I was married to–if you’d have known me then, you would have realized that more of my conversation was about my spouse than about me. My entire world revolved around him…That’s one thing (among many) that I’m working to change in my current and future relationships–letting them add ‘spice’ to my life without letting them dominate every facet of it. But there is still some little-girl part of me that could easily let herself be swept away by a Prince Charming again, and invest every bit of herself in him. That thought scares me more than just a little bit…
I wear a facade for most of my day-to-day interactions. This façade self is fairly aloof and businesslike. However I am lucky enough to have several people in my life who know the ‘real me.’ One of them is my husband of 10 years. We married very young, when we were both 21, because we knew we’d found a good thing. We’ve weathered some pretty rough storms, yet always managed to surface together. Perhaps it is not ironic that one of our favorite recreational activities is tandem kayaking where we synch our paddling rhythms together to reach a destination. I have several women friends, most of whom I correspond with via email. I don’t like talking on the phone, but love the Internet–I’d rather carry on a conversation in text than by voice.
If you were one of my best friends you might know that I enjoy gardening, waterfalls, and I only go to the beach in the winter. I’m peso-vegetarian, I love black & white movies and the smell of vanilla. Some of my favorite pastimes are listening to the music of Sting, eating red grapes, and taking naps lying on the living room floor. I don’t own a TV. I am very sensitive to violence. I hate to cry in public, but often feel like I want to–especially when parents are cruel to their children. I am a pacifist, anti-capitalist, and an environmentalist. I have ‘synesthesia’, which means that I have overlapping sensory experiences. For example, when I look at paintings in art gallery, I hear music. When I feel intense emotions, I see the colors and shapes of my feelings in my mind. My strongest sense is that of smell. I am very picky about fragrances, detergents, and so forth because the wrong one can be quite troubling to me.
Just about anyone who knows me knows that I am passionate about literature. I own thousands of books and read 4 or 5 new ones each week. I have a perfect job–I am the ‘Review Editor’ for a literary journal. This means I have dozens of books shipped to me each week that I have to read and write about, or to assign to my pool of reviewers. Through my job I get to hobnob with many excellent writers and attend literary conferences.
And here’s what I wrote, way back then, about our move to UCI–when I started back to school and ceased being a full-time, stay-at-home Mom. I knew then that the move to campus and to graduate school would alter my life in dramatic ways. I didn’t know that I would leave the Mormon church and divorce. Had I known then what I know now, I’m not sure how or what I would have done differently. My now-self thinks that my then-self was awfully brave to start on an academic path. It has not been an easy one…
Our family is moving this week. Not to a bigger house (like my friend Brenda who showed me her palatial new 5 bedroom home today). No, we’re moving to an apartment just one building away from where John and I lived as young (and impoverished) newlyweds.
Why are we doing this? Good question. The move is borne of years of planning, prayer and hope. About 3 years ago John and I realized that our lives weren’t satisfying. John was on the corporate ladder, making a fine salary with the promise of vesting in a profitable company. I was a SAHM with 2 perfectly wonderful kids. What could be wrong? We realized that we’d lost the idealism of our youth–when the corporate world and middle-class America paled in comparison to the world-traveling, educated college professors that we intended to be. Two kids later, with college loans to be repaid, the lure of IT jobs, etc., the dream had evaporated.
Then a family vacation to the UK, a re-examination of our marriage commitments, and another family member diagnosed with terminal cancer. We realized that life was just too short to be pursuing goals without passion. John downscaled his job and started working for the university. I re-entered school part-time to take the classes I would need to prepare for grad school.
And now here we are, just three days away from the final leap–a move to campus housing at the university where I will be enrolled full-time this fall. Yahoooo!!!