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Jana Remy

  • Writing
    • Disability
    • Making History
    • Digital Humanities
      • dayofDH
    • Canoeing
    • Creative Nonfiction & Essays
    • Feminism
    • Bibliographies
      • Pacific Worlds Bibliography
    • Social Media
      • Mentions/Links
  • Scholarship
    • Awards/Fellowships
    • Conferences & Invited Talks
    • Collaboration
    • Workshops
    • Conference Planning
    • Technical Skills
  • Teaching
    • Blogposts About Teaching
Traveler’s Tales: “I miss sex. There, I’ve said it.”
Traveler's Tales

Traveler’s Tales: “I miss sex. There, I’ve said it.”

written by Jana February 18, 2011

This is the first installment in the Traveler’s Tales series

A Guest Post by Simone

I miss sex.  There, I’ve said it.  At a slightly old, and not at all cougarish 42, I really do miss having someone that knows my body.  That knows what to touch, where to touch, and (perhaps most importantly) when.  The person who knows that exact spot on my neck that makes my knees go weak.

As a single mother of a teenager, opportunities for meeting someone to actually have sex with are slim.  When I first got divorced, and met the man I dated for a year, it was great.  Friends got it.  There were sleepovers and all sorts of fun things for my kid to do, so I could – well, so I could get laid.  It was great.  And the man I dated was pretty great, too.  I knew he wasn’t Mr. Forever (and I certainly wasn’t looking for it), but dang.  He reminded me, after a very long time of being married to someone who wouldn’t do that to the mother of his child, that oh yes, that felt really, really good.  We had some fun, and then I broke it off.  I had gotten what I wanted out of the relationship, and he was actually pretty okay with it.  His new wife is a lovely woman.

But here I am, several years later, and my best friend is my vibrator.  I like it (heck, I recommend every woman get a pocket rocket), but it’s not particularly good for cuddling, and impossible to make out with.  For all the shuffling and scheduling and disruption, I’d like a real, live human being now, thanks.  There’s this spot on my neck that makes my knees weak, you see, and, well…

Oh, yes.  Right ….there.

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5 comments

janaremy February 18, 2011 - 4:16 pm

I think it’s not only hard to lose the regularity of sex that comes from being married, but also the little intimacies. Like someone to rub that knot out of your shoulder after a day of sitting at the computer, or someone to snuggle with on the couch while you watch a DVD, or someone to wrap their arms around you when you come in from the cold night. Sigh.

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Jennifer February 18, 2011 - 8:01 pm

Yes, well honestly if being married actually meant you had satisfyig sex and the little intimacies and sweetness of cuddling on the couch with someone then maybe you would be missing something. However, if we were getting our intimacy needs met would we be getting divorced?

I suppose that the nostalgia for that is normal but I think for most in this boat the reality of marriage was not great sex and a cozy, comfortable mate who was aware of the knots in our shoulders and wanted to relax and enjoy life together.

ya know?

Reply
Simone February 19, 2011 - 5:49 pm

Jennifer, I think you can have a rockin’ sex life and still be getting divorced. I’ve got plenty of friends for whom that is very true. I also have friends who have the most boring sex lives ever (or so it seems) but they’re still intimately tied to their partners.

I had a great sex life until my daughter was born, but it was more than just that. It was the drinking, the gambling, the lying…all of those things were there, too. And then, with Mr. Not Forever, the sex was beyond great, but intimacy? Yeah, not so much. Oh, he was very sweet, and attentive in bed, but there were lots of reasons we were lucky to make it as long as we did. But he did remind me I like sex. A lot. And now I live in a very, very small town, and my chances of having a fulfilling sex life have dropped even further.

Reply
Megan February 22, 2011 - 4:16 am

I struggle with this still. I miss my late husband desperately, and while yes, of course, I miss sex, I married at 19 and was (at the time) Mormon so my only experience of sex was with him. So for me, even now, those exact spots, THOSE moments, THAT place are all intimately tied to him and to the sweetness that we had. I don’t know how to release those ties… maybe because, I’m starting to fear, I don’t really want to?

Hey, at least my vibrator doesn’t come with a little red wagon of emotional baggage!

Reply
Traveler’s Tales: dating (or not) « Jana Remy June 15, 2011 - 7:02 am

[…] By Simone […]

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About Me

Hi there friend, and welcome to my blog. I started writing on the internet two decades ago. Since then I've started and finished a PhD program, left the Mormon church and became a Quaker, got divorced, remarried, found full-time work in academia, took up rock climbing and outrigger canoeing, and traveled across the globe (China! Belgium! Italy! Chicago! Montana! Portland! Gettysburg! and oh-so-many points in-between). This blog is eclectic and random--it has poetry and cooking and books. And cats. And flowers. And the ocean (my ocean). But in that sense it's a good reflection of me and my wide-ranging, far-reaching, magpie curiosity.

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