Jana Remy
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Jana Remy

  • Writing
    • Disability
    • Making History
    • Digital Humanities
      • dayofDH
    • Canoeing
    • Creative Nonfiction & Essays
    • Feminism
    • Bibliographies
      • Pacific Worlds Bibliography
    • Social Media
      • Mentions/Links
  • Scholarship
    • Awards/Fellowships
    • Conferences & Invited Talks
    • Collaboration
    • Workshops
    • Conference Planning
    • Technical Skills
  • Teaching
    • Blogposts About Teaching
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February 19, 2011

Traveler's Tales

Traveler’s Tales: “Sometimes I still turn into a puddle”

Another post in the series of Traveler’s Tales

A Guest Post by Mary

Sometimes I still turn into a puddle.

This time of year is filled with first “anniversaries” I’d rather not remember, let alone commemorate. The day my husband told me he thought we should do a trial separation.  The day I found out about the infidelity. The day — December 10th, today — he made it clear that, for him, the marriage was over. The day the “D” word became more than a threat I shouted at him in the depths of despondency and rage.

What a long, strange trip it’s been. Within the next few days my divorce will be finalized and I will be a single twenty-something again. I’ll get my rather awesome surname back.  “Getting” a divorce will become “got” a divorce. And, truthfully, I’m ready for it.  But I also refuse to anesthetize the emotional messiness of the process by offering up platitudes about closure and fresh starts.  I am still grieving. I am still recovering. And I am still figuring out what my life is supposed to look like without my husband in it.

My days are still mixed-bag of complex and contradictory emotions. Often it’s only when my eyes well up with tears that I realize my mind has wandered to my marriage. At other times I’ll  find myself re-hashing old arguments and conjuring up cutting retorts. These feelings strike suddenly and they strike hard, but fortunately, these days, they also pass quickly.

Today I cry not because I’m getting divorced this week. The woman I am today  can handle it, lingering, conflicting emotions notwithstanding.  I cry for the woman I was a year ago, who felt like her marriage had been exposed as nothing but a series of protective fictions. The woman for whom the mere possibility of divorce was an unbearably painful thought.

February 19, 2011
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About Me

About Me

Hi there friend, and welcome to my blog. I started writing on the internet two decades ago. Since then I've started and finished a PhD program, left the Mormon church and became a Quaker, got divorced, remarried, found full-time work in academia, took up rock climbing and outrigger canoeing, and traveled across the globe (China! Belgium! Italy! Chicago! Montana! Portland! Gettysburg! and oh-so-many points in-between). This blog is eclectic and random--it has poetry and cooking and books. And cats. And flowers. And the ocean (my ocean). But in that sense it's a good reflection of me and my wide-ranging, far-reaching, magpie curiosity.

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