a window into this week…

I moved back to my home last Saturday.  Which is now more my home than it ever has been–the majority of John’s stuff being gone, as well as the half of our property that he took along with him to his new life.  As far as these things go, I’d say that the transition has been a fairly smooth one.  But it is also strange how this all plays out on a day-to-day basis…so I thought I’d list a few of my experiences this week to illustrate how things are going this far…

• Bought new bedlinens.  I kept our bed (which I love), but it seemed a necessary thing to make a substantive change to make it ‘mine’ rather than ‘ours.’

• Speaking of ‘ours’…a friend noticed that I still use this word when discussing my home.  It’s a hard habit to break.

• At the local rock climbing gym, several people hailing me as “John’s wife.”  Explaining to them that I am no longer John’s wife, and trying to ignore the uncomfortable pause at the end of that interaction.  But supposing that they’ll remember to call me Jana the next time we meet.

• The challenge of my attempts to cook in the kitchen.  I open cupboards to retrieve familiar implements and ingredients, only to find them gone.  Or perhaps moved to a place where I haven’t found them yet.  It will take some time before I know my way around that once-familiar space again.

• Filling out permission slips for a field trip for the kids.  Realizing that the familiar blanks of those forms are now filled out differently with two parents in two different homes.  Just one more thing to get used to.

• A note from an LDS friend, inviting me back to Mormon church.  (Sigh).  For the record: I have no desire to be LDS now that we’re divorcing.  If anything, just the opposite.

• Having primary custody of the children.  Loving that they are nearly always home when I am and enjoying how good it feels to hug them when I walk in the door after work and before we all go to bed at night.

• Going clothes shopping with a friend who encouraged me to move outside my familiar and somewhat conservative ‘Mom’ style.  Shopping at stores that I haven’t been in since I was a teenager, and letting go of the feeling that I need to ‘dress my age.’

• Coming across a folder of cards from John, including the one he wrote me on the two-month anniversary of our marriage that says “it’s like living in a dream to be eternally married to you….”.  Remembering just how young and naive we were then and wondering…wondering…but also knowing that the what-ifs simply don’t matter now.

• Tobykitty’s health stabilizing one more time.  Appreciating that the loss of her is not combined with all of the other losses in our family right now.  Pondering just how many more lives she has to left to spare (fingers crossed).

• Two different friends noticing that I am constantly apologizing (for the strangest things, like tonite when I apologized for my dinner smelling so good).  A habit I’ve slipped into over the past few years that will take some time undo…

• Taking down the photos of us still hanging on my walls.  Seeing the tender notes  from John written on the backs of frames.  Wondering what the hell I am supposed to do with this memorabilia now.  Toss? Keep? Burn?

• Having an in-person conversation with John about one of our children (our first live interaction in quite awhile).  Our shared concern filling the space between us.  Considering how our love for our kids continues to bind us to each other.

• This big empty living room where I am now typing.  I have the intention to go and buy a couch and some art for the empty walls, but I’d rather just be ‘home’ right now.  Retail therapy leaves me feeling so empty afterward.

• The indentation of my wedding ring that still lingers on the 4th finger of my left hand.