Jana Remy
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Jana Remy

  • Writing
    • Disability
    • Making History
    • Digital Humanities
      • dayofDH
    • Canoeing
    • Creative Nonfiction & Essays
    • Feminism
    • Bibliographies
      • Pacific Worlds Bibliography
    • Social Media
      • Mentions/Links
  • Scholarship
    • Awards/Fellowships
    • Conferences & Invited Talks
    • Collaboration
    • Workshops
    • Conference Planning
    • Technical Skills
  • Teaching
    • Blogposts About Teaching
Tag:

osteosarcoma

amputeebodycorona diary

Corona Diary: Social

SIP Day 64, wearing a black tank and brown linen pants; 85 degrees outside; writing from the living room sofa before I head to bed.

Today held lots of socializing:

  • A socially-distant in-person dropoff of tomato plants that I grew from seed, to a friend
  • A neighbor dropping in to chat about sourdough starter with Stijn, and to share some special flour
  • A phone call with a Quaker-Friend
  • A breakfast conversation with my daughter

I also got several tasks completed on my To Do list:

  • stripped, sanded, stained, and applied a new coat of varnish to the wooden handle of my favorite canoe paddle
  • cleaned, sanded, and applied a coat of varnish to our outdoor dining table
  • graded most of the final assignments for History class I taught this past Spring
  • chatted with Stijn about some garden priorities while he fixed the sprinklers and hand-watered the tomatoes with fish emulsion

Thirty-six years ago today I learned that I had osteosarcoma and that my leg would be amputated. I still remember laying awake in bed that night, so many thoughts running through my head and not being able to sleep. I snuck back out of bed and wrote and wrote in my diary until my handwriting got big and loopy and drifted off the page. It was such overwhelming and impossible-to-believe news then and now when I think about it, it still seems too sad and hard to have actually happened to me.

May 23, 2020
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amputeebooks

There’s no word for it…

When I was diagnosed with bone cancer, the weight of that word meant many things: I had some sense that I would lose my hair, that I would become thin, that I would be fighting for my life.  I knew all of that because my disease had a name, albeit a frightening one (oh, and how glad I am that google did not exist then to tell me just how frightening a bout of bone cancer might be)….

So this article from the NYTimes highlights Ugandan women who have breast cancer and don’t even have a name for their condition in their language, caused me to wonder what it would be like to be diagnosed with a life-threatening ailment which carried no meaning, no cultural baggage, and no fears (a la Susan Sontag). I suspect that I would not have followed through with the treatment had I not been more afraid of dying of cancer than I was of chemo.

Related to that, is a book that I picked up yesterday called Improvising Medicine, about the cancer epidemic in Botswana.  What connects these research pieces is that there is currently a surge of cancer in Africa and its unknown whether this is due to an actual increase in the disease or an increase in diagnosis rates.  And, although I haven’t yet begun reading Livingston’s book, the summary tells me that, like the NYTimes article, it addresses many of the socioeconomic challenges of treating a disease in communities without sophisticated medical care options.

Perhaps a book that will hit a bit closer to home for me is a new release from UCPress, Malignant: How Cancer Becomes Us, which combines cultural analysis and memoir in addressing the complex social nature of this disease in the United States.  The summary says, “Jain explains how a national culture that simultaneously aims to deny, profit from, and cure cancer entraps us in a state of paradox—one that makes the world of cancer virtually impossible to navigate for doctors, patients, caretakers, and policy makers alike.”  Indeed, my experience is that treatment for cancer now hinges so much on what type of health insurance one has and the process of “shopping” for a doctor who will tell you what you want to hear, which seems a wrongheaded approach to a cure.

Even though thirty years have now passed since I first heard that dreadful cancer word spoken in connection with the symptoms of my own body, I still find it difficult to comprehend the life-changing event that was my diagnosis and treatment for osteosarcoma.  As I look back on what I went through then, it remains a kind of encapsulated moment that is hard for me to connect with now.  But what I remember most significantly, was the feeling that the temporary horror of my cancer treatments was worthwhile to endure because of the possibility of eradicating my disease, and I trusted that my doctors were giving me the treatments that would increase my odds for survival.  I suspect, now, that my faith in my doctors was naive, as was my willingness to endure mutagenic treatments.  And if I had not lived in a society where I was told that it was my (heroic) responsibility to “fight” and “kill” that cancer, I am quite sure that I would not have consented to the amputation of my leg and the months of high-dose chemotherapy treatments afterwards.  Of course, with 30 years of hindsight it seems to have been a wise choice.  But I can’t help but wonder how differently my experience would have played out if I hadn’t been part of a community that encouraged, even championed, a specific behavior for me as a “victim” of cancer.

 

 

 

 

October 18, 2013
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About Me

About Me

Hi there friend, and welcome to my blog. I started writing on the internet two decades ago. Since then I've started and finished a PhD program, left the Mormon church and became a Quaker, got divorced, remarried, found full-time work in academia, took up rock climbing and outrigger canoeing, and traveled across the globe (China! Belgium! Italy! Chicago! Montana! Portland! Gettysburg! and oh-so-many points in-between). This blog is eclectic and random--it has poetry and cooking and books. And cats. And flowers. And the ocean (my ocean). But in that sense it's a good reflection of me and my wide-ranging, far-reaching, magpie curiosity.

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