Category: deep thoughts

  • because of my weakness…

    The acknowledgment of our weakness
    is the first step in repairing our loss.
    ~Thomas Kempis

    While I was at the Sunstone Symposium in August, sitting in a session about women and the Mormon church, I had to fight the urge to flee the room.

    In sitting there I realized that the rationales, the angst, and the pain of gender inequity–those were the things that I’d been so relieved to leave behind when I stopped attending LDS church. Being confronted with them again was repulsive and pulled me back to that dark place where I’d been a few years ago: a sort of dark cave where I felt stranded. Where I couldn’t see how god could bless an institution that was so biased, so short-sighted. And at the same time afraid of the pain that would come to me and to my extended family should I choose to walk away.

    As these thoughts ran through my mind I felt a pendulum of emotion shifting to and fro inside of me and I was on the verge of tears. And then I realized something about myself…I’m just not one of the “strong ones” who can continue on in the LDS church while being fully aware all of its flaws. My soul and my spirit just aren’t up for the task. I am too weak. Too fragile. I need a spiritual home where I am buoyed and supported and affirmed. The dissonance of being Mormon was literally ripping my spirit into pieces. I felt no hope there.

    For me, the move to practicing as a Quaker is not just transferring my allegiance to a new religious institution. It’s about adopting a spiritual practice and community based on the yearnings of my heart and not based on my pedigree and my upbringing. It’s a choice for comfort and peace. It’s laying down the struggle of trying to fit into the LDS mold–the continued abrasiveness of being a square peg that can’t adapt to the expectations and orthodoxies of Mormonism. It’s about recognizing my own weakness and accepting it.

    The Mormon founder, Joseph Smith, compared his spiritual journey to that of a rough stone rolling down a mountain. He saw each of his experiences as chipping away at himself, smoothing away his raw edges. Me, I’m not up for a similar trajectory, or perhaps my body has just had enough trauma. I’m seeking an angle of repose.

    Let me quote from a favorite author who has walked a similar path:

    Spirituality is solitary…At times, it is lonely, often informed by pain. On other occasions, it is the body submerged in a phosphorescent tide, every movement sparking a trail of illumination. Afterwards, we sit on the shore in moonlight. No candles are necessary. Spirituality exists when we are present, buoyed up by the waters of attention. We learn the courage of faith. It is peace that is earned. We can take solace in the heat of doubt knowing this is the pulse of poetry.
    ~Terry Tempest Williams, Leap (2000)

  • into my heart

    A provocative thought from Rumi, sent to me by a Friend today:

    I tried to find Him on the Christian cross, but He was not there;
    I went to the temple of the Hindus and to the old pagodas, but I could not find a trace of Him anywhere.
    I searched on the mountains and in the valleys, but neither in the heights nor in the depths was I able to find Him.
    I went to the Kaaba in Mecca, but He was not there either.
    I questioned the scholars and philosophers, but He was beyond their understanding.
    I then looked into my heart, and it was there where He dwelled that I saw Him;
    He was nowhere else to be found.
    -Jalaluddin Rumi, poet and mystic (1207-1273)

  • chat disparu!


    CatGirl squealed when she heard that her beloved Shakespeare & Co bookshop kitty has gone missing! Oh No!

    I found this sign via a new fav site, Paris Daily Photo.

    Other favorite French blogs include Paris Parfait, An American in Provence and Le Divan Fumoir Bohemien. Each gaves a daily ‘taste’ of France along with spectacular photography! Enjoy! :)

  • last night I had the strangest dream….

    Queue 80’s music…

    I was on a long bike ride. A ride across the country. I remember pedaling and pedaling. Not really feeling tired, but knowing that I needed to conserve my energy because I would be pedaling for days on end.

    My biggest concern, however, was getting to Chicago ASAP. And knowing that once I got there I would have a hard time finding my way around the city on bike.

    The strangest part, perhaps, was that the only person that I met up with on my bike trek was my Dad. I think he was in Chicago, but I’m not sure (that part of the dream is a bit foggy now). He was living in a seedy apartment with faux wood paneling.

    Weird.

  • because life would be happier and more fulfilling…

    An essay that I wrote back in 1983 that I do believe was my first-ever published piece of writing. [For you young’uns: yes, we did have TV way back in the early eighties…]

    What Would Life Be Like Without Television

    Without television we wouldn’t have video games. People would be a lot wealthier because of not spending money on the games. People would also have time for other things.

    People would be healthier if they didn’t sit in front of the TV all the time. Instead, they would get exercise.

    Many people say TV is a learning tool. I agree with them. Except that without TV I’m sure we could fid other ways to learn. Children would also be a lot smarter because they would do their homework more often.

    Also, I have noticed that when people watch TV, they tend to get grouchy and irritable. So, maybe without TV the world would be a happier place to live.

    I Think without TV there would be less crime and killing. In my opinion, TV is where most people get their wrong ideas.

    Without TV people would not be able to see the news. I suppose people would not me able to see many other informational shows, either. So more people would have to get their news and information another way.

    More people would buy tickets to sports events because people wouldn’t be able to see sports on TV.

    I am not saying I am against television, I really enjoy it, but I think life would be happier and more fulfilling without it.

    I find this essay rather prescient. John and I vowed when we were married* not to have a TV in our home. We’ve stuck to that with just a few brief (and unsatisfactory) exceptions. I also find it notable that even way back then I was concerned with violence–my pacifism was already blossoming.

    *UPDATE: The vow wasn’t part of our Mormon secret marriage ceremony. Just FYI…

  • creativity


    From this lovely post at Message from the Muse, speaking of the courage necessary to follow one’s own creative inspiration:

    “Next time you have a brilliant idea, a shining truth, or even a half-cracked oyster, use that intuitive nose of yours to sniff out the situation. You can only smell the swine if you have identified them in your own psyche and comes to terms with them. When you notice you’re near a trough or trucking through the mud, it’s a good indicator to keep those sweet pearls to yourself. Enjoy them. Celebrate them. And soon a prince, a pauper, a jeweler or a pink poodle with an affinity for oysters is bound to happen by. You’ll know who they are when they show up, if you use your friend Discernment. Then it’s time to take out the pearls, share them, spend them, thread them on a vein of gold and string them ’round your throat. It’s there they shine.”

    One of the things that keeps my own inspiration flowing is seeing the efforts of others, their inspiring photography, reading their poetry, considering the passion with which they live their lives. Along this vein I particularly love etsy (an arts/crafts website) because of the beauty and sparkle of the handmade goods therein. I may not always have the money to buy the pretty things on display, but I am energized by the colors, textures, and enthusiasm of those who create. A few of my recent favorites:

    -a funky frenchy shoulder bag
    -these beautiful bowls and bright mug
    -a print of this collage, because it’s just lovely
    -more handmade jewelry, from sara and other favorite sellers
    –this groovy tee or this one, because they remind me of my garden

  • to die for

    Saw this sigfile on a message from an email list today:

    Only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you:
    1. Jesus Christ
    2. The American G. I.
    One died for your soul, the other for your freedom.

    Wow. I don’t know what the definition of a ‘defining force’ is, but I can think of other people who have put their life on the line for me–starting with my own mother on my birthday. And I don’t know any American GI’s who have ever personally offered to die for me. And, honestly, though I appreciate the unselfish sentiment of both Jesus and the GI, I’d rather they’d just live(d) their own lives rather than sacrifice themselves on my behalf. I can take care of my own soul and my own freedom, thank you.

  • Moanday, Moanday!


    Perhaps it isn’t at all ironic that Sara’s meme tag came after nearly 24 hours straight of moaning and complaining as I had to prepare our home for termite fumigation (I only slept a few hours last night and just grabbed the last few belongings as they were posting the DO NOT ENTER signs on our door….). So I am now sitting cross-leg on the questionably clean carpet in a temporary apartment and watching “The Belle of Amherst” on DVD as I try to calm the kitties down a bit. They have never lived anywhere besides our place and (poor things) Toby won’t even come out from under one of the beds for tuna. Ellycat has glued herself to my side as if to let me know that she knows no vet will come after her in the place of strange smells & sounds as long as I am nearby. Once the kitties calm down a bit they will be delighted to learn that there is a nest on the eaves of the backporch here with the sweetest little orange-throated finch-looking birdies chirping up a storm.

    The Moaning Meme
    5 people who will be annoyed you tagged them.

    -John & Miko
    -CatBonny
    -Brooke
    -TanyaSue
    -Caroline
    But to everyone else, consider yourself tagged and please play along!

    4 things that should go into room 101 and be removed from the face of the earth.

    -Packing for moving.
    We had to to a mini-packing this week (all food, toiletries, and catstuff and anything we needed to survive in a bare-bones apartment) to prepare for the tenting & termite fumigation. Pain.

    -War.
    Really. And any activity done with the intent to harm another person or creature.

    -Rodents.
    ‘Nuff said.

    -Body Odor
    There are good body smells and bad body smells. I’m talking about the bad ones.

    -Cancer.
    Yah, duh. And while we’re at it we can just eliminate disease in general. (Note: I know this is #5 on my list of 4 things, but I’m not much of a rule-follower…)

    3 things people do that make you want to shake them violently. (Ok, really I can’t think of wanting to shake anyone badly, so I’m playing along in the spirit of the meme if not literally)

    -parents or teachers talking smack to little kids
    -praise for our current presidential regime
    -folks who voluntarily join the military (and the corrupt gov’t who sends them on fighting missions)

    2 things you find yourself moaning about.

    -dictatorial community garden members
    -health insurance woes

    1 thing the above answers tell you about yourself.

    -I’m quite sure that my opinions are correct and that everyone else should acknowledge my wisdom.

  • because I cried…

    I bawled during the last 100 pages of The Book. In real-life situations I am not really much of a cry-er but I can be quite emotional while reading and watching movies (yah, I always cry when I watch LOTR even though I know exactly how it will end!). I think I also internalized much of the drama of the Harry Potter story because I see my son in Harry’s stead and my daughter in Ginny and Hermione. When these characters are in danger I feel like one of my own is in danger. [Note: spoiler ahead] and when Mrs. Weasley comes out in defense of her daughter that was ME, I was fighting right there along with her!

    Oddly enough, I don’t think anyone else in my family had quite the emotional reaction that I did. It was certainly exacerbated by sleep deprivation and the intensity of reading the whole thing in the space of a few hours. But I really FELT it.

    What about you, do you ever get emotional about books and/or movies? If so, which ones?

    Oh, and if you need a smile, you really should read this post from Lymphopo. Adorable!

  • 8 Random Things, a meme

    Playing along with this meme from BiV and JourneyGal:

    1) I have difficulty with auditory discrimination. Meaning that if I have several incoming sounds my brain can’t prioritize the sounds very well and I don’t end up hearing much of anything. So chatting in crowded restaurants is tough and I usually sit at the front of classrooms. It also means that I have a really hard time “hearing” the words of songs or movie dialog. If I like a song I search out the words and I watch movies with the subtitles on.

    2) I rarely wear nail polish although I like the idea of wearing it. My favorite color of polish is pale pink. I have strong fingernails that I can easily grow out very long.

    3) Like most other people in my family, my second toe is longer than my big toe.

    4) Until about 5 years ago I hated cats. I thought they were whiny, annoying, and they made me sick (quite literally, because of severe allergies). I resented my friends (and my sister) who liked cats. Now I am a zealous cat lover and the allergies are gone. Nearly every day I cuddle my kitties, sing them songs, and feed them their favorite treats. I find them an endless source of joy and delight.

    5) Until about 5 years ago I hated chocolate. I liked chocolate-flavored things like cake, but hated the taste and texture of chocolate itself (PayDay was my fav candy bar because of its lack of chocolate). Yet at some point I got some very fine dark chocolate and fell head over heels. Now I don’t do milk chocolate and I only eat fine (as in 73% or above) organic dark chocolate. I almost always have a bar in my cupboard and nibble away at a few squares of chocolate per week.

    6) I can touch my tongue to the tip of my nose. And I can do “the wave” with my eyebrows. I can also wiggle my ears–even one at a time.

    7) Vanilla is one of my favorite smells. I am particularly fond of The Body Shop’s vanilla body spray and of Yankee Candle’s French Vanilla scent.

    8) In the spirit of BiV’s “famous-people” list, I’ll add a few of my own. I’ve already written about my relationships with the Broncos. During my cancer treatments I had a few other brushes with famous folks, including Kenny Loggins. At a summer camp for cancer patients I took a drama class from an actress on the then-popular show “Hill Street Blues.” When I was a college student I dated a Japanese Chippendales dancer a few times (my roommate was dating his best buddy so we frequently went out together or hung out at our apartment). That was an ‘interesting’ experience–the hubris of someone who carried 8×10 glossies of his (mostly naked) self at all times. Yah.

  • random

    Three random things about me:

    1) I am direction dyslexic. Meaning that I can’t tell left from right. You would think that I could remember that my right leg is amputated and that that would help me somewhat? Nope. My brain just doesn’t process the difference between the two directions. It makes driving challenging. Fortunately John and the kids have learned to find humor in it. (Note: I do tend to have a pretty good sense of direction, as in cardinal directions. I can also read equally well from either direction)

    2) I don’t care much for ice cream (esp in milkshakes) or ham because of awful throw-up experiences with them. An awful vomit experience with pickles resulted in a fairly temporary aversion. [Note: during my chemo era (when I was throwing up dozens of times each day), I learned that OREO cookies taste just the same going down as coming back up. OREOs became my major food group for about a year.]

    3) I like to write my ‘to do’ list on the side of my left hand, just below the base of my thumb. Right now there are faded words there from this morning reminding me that I needed to put a textbook on reserve in the library.

  • lovin’ these


    lantana orange, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

    My lantana plants are such a source of joy. I have three now: purple, yellow-orange and red. I just love the ways their colors spread and change as they open their series of petals. Truly a burst of sun each time I gaze on them. :)

    The windows of my soul I throw
    Wide open to the sun.
    ~John Greenleaf Whittier