Category: deep thoughts

  • one small step…

    Some of you may have noticed that I have a new identity now. I’m no longer pilgrimgirl. Well, at least my blog isn’t. :)

    I’ve opted for a blog name that’s less about my own identity and is more about my life journey: my ‘pilgrimage.’ So the new name is ‘pilgrimsteps.’ This name, at least for me, is more reflective of who I am right now. Still a girl, but even more than that, I am a traveler. I am moving and changing. I am not in the same place today as I was yesterday, or last week, or last year. So from now on, you can type pilgrimsteps.com into your browser to find my site.

    Wow, that was huge. Really. And so exciting!!

    So to shift gears a bit:

    My favorite book when I was little: The Poky Little Puppy! That, and The Saggy Baggy Elephant. Classics. Can you believe that the writer only got $75 for writing this, the bestselling children’s book of all time?

    Okay, so those MesoAmericans, they knew what they were doing! They started drinking chocolate somewhere between 1400 and 1100 BCE. Now why can’t I remember any chocolate references in The Book of Mormon??? Because of this?

  • not so long ago…


    Shanghai view, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

    Two years ago today, I was just returning home from a whirlwind trip to China. It seems so very long ago now!

    What I remember well:
    –the air: how wet and misty and ethereal it was.
    –the food: excellent and scary sometimes (I stopped asking what I was eating and just tried everything. I learned to love SPICY!).
    –the shopping: I was so tired of Chinese touristy crappy stuff by the end of the trip–I came home with suitcases nearly empty except for cheongsam for CatGirl and myself and a few trinkets.
    –the bathrooms: thinking LAX toilets were just heavenly after 2 weeks of squatters and no TP
    –the people: endlessly interesting to watch, to listen to their voices, to attempt communication.
    –fun: crazy taxi rides to the night markets with Dora, Mom and new groovy friends
    –the massages. ’nuff said there….
    –the escape: getting away from everything familiar for enough time to find parts of myself again.

    :)

    Lingering Garden

    Tiger Hill

    Summer Palace bridge and lake

  • did you know…

    Today I have been investing my time in “professional activities.” Because I suspect there’s very little chance that I’ll get a job as a professional blogger, I’ve been trying my hand at a few projects that’ll look good on my CV (in other words, taking flower photos and writing sweater poetry does not equal career success).

    So I’ve started a podcast about History. You can find my first episode here, and it will be listed on iTunes shortly (under the title of “Making History” podcast). You might also be interested in taking a look at the blog affiliated with my new podcast. It’s pretty dry and professional stuff. But that’s life, right? :)

    That said, I’ll bet you didn’t know this:

    1) Did you know that there’s an Italian proverb, quoted by Montaigne, that says, “He knowes not the perfect pleasure of Venus that hath not layne with a limping woman”? Essentially it’s saying that women who limp, they’re better in bed. Just thought you might want to know that.

    2) Betcha’ didn’t know that I just spent about two hours sitting in my cozy purple chair recording my podcast and then editing out most of my ‘ummms’ and then uploading everything. When I stood up I realized that the whole time I’d been sitting on a very lovely bar of certified organic 73% Super Dark chocolate. Thanks to my butt, it is now a very lovely certified organic 73% Super Dark chocolate soup.

    Yum :)

  • pilgrimgirl classic: proclivities

    Originally posted 4/10/07


    pink&purple, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

    Picture: Close-up of a small purple flower with pink stamens.

    Recently we watched the movie “Amazing Grace” (which I highly recommend to each of you). The main character, Wilberforce, realizes that he could easily spend his life enjoying nature–studying spiderwebs and gazing into flowers. He find so much satisfaction in his communion with the natural world. Yet he comes to realize that this isn’t his mission in life. Instead, he becomes a politician and is instrumental in ending the British slave trade.

    Some days I feel like I lose myself in a flower. Time flies by while I’m in my garden and I start to only care about growing things. The rest of life seems so mundane in comparison. Yet I also have this feeling that I am supposed to do so much more. That gardening is important, even bedrock, for my life. But it’s not the whole of it. There are books to write, and children to raise, and friends to meet. And the flowers will continue to grow. Whether I am wholly absorbed in them or not.

  • last night I had the strangest dream…

    Let myself sleep in this morning and dreamed much more lucidly than usual…

    I was riding in a van with a friend who let me know that he was divorcing me (even though we weren’t married). But somehow this also meant that John was divorcing me.

    Then we went to church. It was the old LDS Chapel where we held our wedding reception except moved to the location of our favorite public library.

    I went to Sacrament Meeting but no one would let me sit down–even in the empty seats. Apparently they were all ‘saved’ for other people.

    So I went outside and stood on the porch and realized that a huge tsunami-like wave had flooded the area all around the chapel. I was shocked and scared. But when I tried to raise an alarm to other attendees, they said it happened all the time and not to worry.

    As the water receded from the lawn in front I saw that it was covered with small birds’ nests. I was told that the birds were chickens and that I needed to gather their eggs into my basket (yes, apparently I had been carrying a basket all along).

    As I gathered the eggs I realized that the birds were really sparrows and not chickens. Each nest had two live chicks and several eggs. I gathered a basketful of delicate spotted eggs.

    Then I woke up and called for John.

    He reassured me that he wasn’t seeking a divorce. Folded me in his arms and listened to my retelling of the dream. Then we mused on the possible symbols and meanings.

    Then I got up and started my day.

  • pilgrimgirl classic: Why I Blog

    Friends, I read through this post from 7/24/06 last night and thought it might be about time to repost it. Enjoy!

    I’m preparing to speak about Mormon feminist blogging in a few weeks. So as I’ve been mulling over various thoughts, I thought I’d make a list of the top 10 reasons why I blog….

    1) For reflection. Each time I sit at my computer to write a post, I reflect on my life and cull the gems that I feel are worth sharing. This affords the opportunity to recall joy, blessings, frustrations. I like these moments of examination, they offer great insight.
    2) For FUN. Often, blogging is play for me. I take an experience and try to render it in text. I experiment with phrasing, punctuation and pauses. I attempt to express humor and pathos.
    3) To tell it like it is. I like having the uninterrupted space to tell my stories. No one is cutting me off mid-sentence or censoring my words. It’s probably the narcissist in me that enjoys the blog as both soapbox and pedestal.
    4) To speak the unspeakable. On my blog I’ve often discussed my disability. This is a fairly taboo subject in mainstream culture. It’s empowering to me to tell the stories of my different body without framing them in terms of an inspirational or pity-full narrative. Yet, ironically, it is the parts of my life that are the most visible (my religious practice, my academic pursuits) that I discuss least often. I’m not yet sure why that is. (more on this in #10)
    5) To share pictures. I’ve just started really enjoying photography. I know our camera sucks and my photos are amateur-ish, but they bring me great joy. I love sharing my ‘lens’ with you.
    6) For community. Several of you, dear readers, know me only through my blog. Others of you are old familiar friends who like to continue to keep in touch through cyberspace. I cherish my virtual neighborhood. Your blogs and emails nourish me, your thoughts buoy me, and your comments affirm, challenge, provoke and validate my musings.
    7) For memory. What joy it is to scroll through my blog history and remember the fun things I’ve done!
    8) Because I’m a geek. Hmmmm….yes, I spend a good chunk of my day sitting at my laptop writing emails and composing blogposts. ‘nuff said.
    9) To mimic John. I’m not really the jealous type, but I saw all the benefits that he’s gotten from blogging through the years, and I wanted in on it, too!
    10) To be vulnerable. Though the personal essays and other opportunities I’ve had to share the intimate parts of my life over the past 10 years, I have often been afraid. I’ve been afraid to tell the truth as I see it, I’ve been afraid of offending, I’ve even been afraid of ‘discipline.’* But there is something so empowering about laying out truth bare. My truth-telling brings me closer to others, creates bonds with strangers, allows an intimacy that is both frightening and exhilarating.

    *I suspect that the reason I feel reticent to discuss school and church are because of fear of backlash. Within academia there’s a pretty high barrier to becoming personal and vulnerable. The LDS church has a history is censuring its more outspoken members, especially feminist women. So far, no one in the Mormon ‘Bloggernacle’ has been disciplined by church authorities for what they’ve written on their blogs, yet I am still wary. I love the freedom of the LDS community on the Net. I don’t want to see that change.

  • not so girlish anymore?

    Yesterday I was telling someone the URL for my blog and all of a sudden I felt sheepish. Pilgrim_girl_? What am I thinking? I’ll be 40 in a few years, for crying out loud! Is it time to let go of the girl and become something else? Something more mature and scholarly-sounding?

    BTW, I think pilgrimwoman sounds dorky. Waaaaay too puritannical. I could just be pilgrim, but that’s a bit vanilla-ish. Your ideas?

  • what about you and me

    This vid fits in nicely with my earlier thoughts about my narcissism….Take a look and let me know what you think:

  • because it’s all about me

    Deep thoughts this morning…

    I suspect that my blogwriting is fueling my narcissism. I think I’ve generally been the type of person who likes to draw attention to myself and I’m pretty thrilled to have this platform to discuss my favorite subject (ME).

    And I’m not particularly proud of that.

  • going for a smoke…

    Yesterday RJohn related an epiphany he had while waiting impatiently in an airport lounge. As he sat with his luggage trying to make the time pass faster, he watched a group of people in the glass-enclosed smoker’s lounge. He explained how relaxed they looked as they sat there, puffing away. Chatting with friends. Creating a kind of impromptu community that was completely unlike the impersonal anxiety on the other side of the glass. He found that he was jealous of the time these folks took out of their travel frenzy to just kick back and indulge in their cigarettes. And while not advocating a smoking habit, he suggested that we would all be better off if we partitioned a similar space of self-indulgence into our daily routines.

    I responded to him with a smoking anecdote of my own…When I was undergoing my cancer treatments and I needed some time to escape from the craziness of the hospital for awhile, I often went to the smoker’s lounge. There I wasn’t a patient, I was just one other person seeking some respite from their life for a moment. I’d cozy up in one of the padded chairs and lose myself in a book. The smoker’s lounge also had vending machines with Juicy Fruit gum (a favorite back then that I can’t stand now) and toffee ice cream bars (ditto). And I didn’t mind the smoke, really. Because my fears of ‘getting cancer’ seemed oh-so-ridiculous at that moment. :)

    I don’t smoke now and have no interest in taking up the habit. But I do try to find ways of incorporating ‘smokers breaks’ into my day. It’s my cup of tea that I drink leisurely as I sit in a wicker chair on my back porch or my evening escape to water my garden. Just 10 minutes of space can make such a difference.

  • flying mountain


    IMG_4499, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

    Tonite I watched an interview of housewife-turned-Buddhist-nun Pema Chodron with some friends. Chodron spoke about many common Buddhist concepts, with her own unique spin on the issues of pain and suffering and the goal to be ‘fully awake.’

    For me, the most provocative quotation from the program was this one:

    “We are all capable of becoming fundamentalists because we get addicted to other people’s wrongness.”

    She spoke at length about how this addiction, or ‘getting hooked’ as she calls it, sets off a chain reaction of suffering. By removing ourselves from the addictive cycle we can have more peace and compassion.

    I love that idea. I am certainly guilty of being addicted to other people’s wrongness just as I am guilty of being addicted to my own rightness. I recognize that this is a very rigid way to live, but it is so human…sigh.

    What I really want…to see the divine in each person I meet and not to feel anger and self-righteousness when someone believes differently than I do. So I will keep trying….

    Note: the picture above is of some Buddhist carvings on the “Flying Mountain” at the Lingyin Temple in Hangzhou, China. The day I visited the temple nearly two years ago it was rainy and cold, the ground so slippery underfoot that it was difficult to walk around the temple and monastery. Yet there were still dozens of worshipers lighting huge bundles of incense outside of the temple and saying their prayers. I was impressed by the devotion of the adherents. That day I also felt very homesick for my family back in the states. At the foot of the Buddha I said prayers for their continued safety and felt great comfort.

  • What if….

    Photo: taken sometime during the latter half of my chemo treatments. At this time I weighed just over 70 lbs and had lost all my hair (including eyebrows and eyelashes). I’m wearing my wig in this pic. I was using crutches to get around much of the time, still unable to use a prosthetic limb comfortably following my amputation surgery a few months earlier.

    Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like if I’d never had cancer. It’s a big question, one that looms every morning as I get out of bed and put on my prosthetic leg.

    I wonder how having had the cancer has held me back in so many ways. I deal daily with pain and sores. I have chronic issues related to the toxicity of the chemo. I limp. I am often tired and somewhat prone to depression. Every time I have an ache somewhere I wonder if it is the cancer again. Currently I am avoiding doctors and I haven’t had a physical exam in three years.

    I just want to be me and not a cancer patient.

    But I also wonder if I hadn’t had cancer, would I be a totally different person? Would I still be a gardener, a locavore, a mother, a lover of John? A Mormon? A Quaker? A teacher and writer of academic papers?

    Would I love cats? Chocolate? Or meditating by candlelight? Would I have rowed the canals of Canterbury or clambered up The Great Wall? Would I be afraid of rodents? Would I relish simple living?

    I suspect that I would be a wearer of high heels and a swimmer in oceans. And a cartwheeler in meadows of green grass. That I would be a hiker of the Narrows and walker of the Pilgrim’s Path.

    But what if not?

    And what if my cancer came back tomorrow? Or my kitties run away? Or I run away? Or what if my latest insurance claims are denied and my leg breaks and I lose my job and the Mormons excommunicate me and I make John miserable and I am unkind to my children and I am just so so so tired that I never get out of bed again?

    What if?