I fell again today: the result of rain, new boots, and the slick marble flooring in the foyer of my office building. Ugh, some weeks are just like that, aren’t they? With the dull ache of bruised wrists and knees lingering long after the mishap. Sometimes it makes me feel like staying inside my comfort zone, with known terrain and few hazards…
A friend sent me this video recently, and I’ve had several of Brown’s ideas running through my mind ever since. I’m so good at being courageous and vulnerable in some parts of my life, so terrible at it in others. It’s a constant challenge to be open to the experiences of my life and to be generous with everyone that I meet, after having been hurt so badly by the losses of the past year…
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This was JUST what I needed to hear tonight as I soaked in a hot bath. The same stirring that I felt in my soul while watching this is the same feeling that I find whenever I am engaged with Phoenix Youth at Risk, or apologizing to someone and restoring trust with them, or taking a good look at my relationship with my six-year-old who is a smaller version of me, and therefore, my mirror. What it feels like is being truly awake. It’s more real than the numbness that I can get stuck in with day to day activities and chores. I sometimes call it Planet Remember. Tapping back into what life is REALLY about.
I know I’m on the right path. The more I embrace vulnerability, the more I laugh and cry and find joy and fulness in life. Everything she said in this video rang so true! When I was waiting for the doctor to call after I knew E had a cleft lip/palate plus kidney issues, I alternately numbed myself with the Twilight books, and also managed to channel the pain and worry into yoga, crying, and the characters in the books (which is the major reason I can’t hate Twilight, in spite of feeling like, as a feminist, I should, heh). I think I have been undoing that numbness from how hard that pregnancy was and subsequent year of surgeries and pumping breastmilk and therapies for a while now.
And now I am finding all kinds of things I have numbed from back when I was a little kid, living through all forms of abuse. But, even in the middle of all that, I smiled when she (in the video) talked about how the wholehearted people talked about vulnerability not as excruciating, but as necessary. In that sense, I can say that I am there with vulnerability: I embrace it as best I can, because I know it’s the catalyst for what I want and what I need. Vulnerability is painful, but I don’t blame it for doing it’s job. I think this is what true freedom is. Pain, fear, self-doubt, my theme of “I don’t matter” are all tied up with my willingness to be vulnerable. And if I can just surrender, then I know that I will feel whole, like my declaration “I make a difference in the world. I am a force.” Thank you for posting this.
You are wonderful, and I love you. Thank for you inspiring me, and being a tether to the greatness in life for me to grab onto. Even as you are questioning safety and dealing with so much hurt, your graciousness always shines through.
I’m glad to know that this resonated with you on so many levels, Kendahl. I feel like we all have lessons to learn from Brown’s insights into human behavior…