I keep writing and re-writing what I want to say in this post, and it still isn’t coming out right. But here’s an attempt…
Although I’ve been “very productive” in my life these past few years–working towards my PhD, advancing my career, pursuing my hobbies passionately, supporting my family, etc. Many things still fall through the cracks….
For most of my life I wrote letters to my extended family members weekly, and dutifully visited them. For the past five years, I have only intermittently remembered their birthdays and other gifty-holidays. I rarely call. Thank you notes are mostly unwritten. When my great-aunt died a few days ago, I was completely shamed by how lax I’ve been in supporting her the past couple of years.
I feel truly awful about this, and the more I realize how terrible I feel, the more it compounding all of the other ways in which I fail everyday. Whether its missing a deadline, or blurting out something asinine in an academic conversation, or forgetting to follow-up with a friend…I mess up constantly. Constantly.
Some days I just wish I weren’t so fallible, so busy, so careless, so self-absorbed, so tired, so focused, so weak.
4 comments
sweetheart, get off that slide. it goes nowhere good. you are exhausted and cannot let yourself beat yourself up. you come as close as anyone i know to being superwoman, but you gotta let yourself be human and fallible.
Jana, DO NOT beat yourself up! Life happens, and beating yourself up won’t fix anything, won’t stop things from falling through the cracks, and won’t change what’s already happened. Being fallible is part and parcel of being human. You are one of the most giving, forgiving, and insanely productive women I know…it’s okay to not be perfect!
And just think, I like you anyway! :-) *hug*
This is how I feel as a mother lately.
From what little I know of you Jana (and I look forward to meeting you someday), I think even in your failings you are doing better than many of us. Not to belittle your struggles, but I think sometimes in comparing ourselves to what we know we’re capable of we always come up short. I do at least.
So human.