thread flowers into my hair as we lounge around in the grass and watch the sun set.
June 2009
Though I really love traveling, it feels delicious to get back into the routines of home and to sleep in my own cozy bed again. :)
I had a lot of time to think this past week while I was out of town, and as my mind turned to thoughts of home I started making some mental lists about my goals, values and priorities. So much of our home life reflects the intentional choices of our family.
For example, we embrace small footprint living, the effect of which is that we currently live in a small on-campus home rather than in a suburban tract. We spend our discretionary funds on travel rather than on late-model cars. Our clothes are functional but not fancy. We tend to eat fresh & local gourmet-style foods, and our kids can tell the difference between an artisan cheese and a supermarket imitation. We recycle and compost and grow our own. If you drop by, you will be offered a chair and a cup of tea or a glass of wine, as well as an earful of conversation.
While on the road I thumbed through some “home” magazines, admiring the beauty of the decor and comparing them to my own nothing-like-a-magazine-layout home. It made me feel sort of inadequate and empty. Wondering where I’d gone wrong because of my own lack of artfulness and taste. This thought came rather specifically as I thumbed through a “Coastal Living” magazine and fantasized a bit about having a beach cottage with pale blue walls and white linens (sigh). But…can you even imagine the nightmare of cat hair that would collect on a white couch?
I am just not a fancy living room person, nor would such decor mesh with my chosen lifestyle. I think I will forever be the kind of person who will have to scooch over a pile of books or a sleeping kitty to make space for you to sit down when you drop by. I might even have to wash a mug or two for that tea that we’ll share. And you might find me wearing my gardening jeans with their holes and mud-dirty hems, rather than anything fashionable.
Sometimes I wonder if I’m “doing it wrong,” and perhaps I should be setting my sights a bit higher, or working harder to have nicer “things” and be a better hostess. But I think I’m really more in the stage of life where I’ve realized that I just don’t find joy in those pursuits. I’d far rather have a lazy conversation with a friend, spend the afternoon puttering in my garden, take the kids to a new bookshop, go for a swim, read a novel, bake some muffins, paddle a canoe, or take pictures of the sunset.
I know my life is unusual, even strange, to many people who have made other types of lifestyle choices. And there are days that I wonder if maybe I should work harder to conform to society’s expectations or aspirations. But then I walk in that front door and melt into my favorite chair with a kitty at my side. I look out over the broad green field that we share with our adjacent neighbors and I see our garden off in the distance. I hear the kiddos chattering away in their room as they make their summer dream lists. I sip on a latte from a favorite flowery mug, my drink made by John after waking together this morning. And I am satisfied. To know that I am truly home.
Picture: a bunch of climbing roses cut from my garden in a vase placed on my back porch table that’s covered with a favorite vintage cloth that I found at a thrift shop many years ago. How’s that for picture-perfect? :)
Huang Meihua, the 12 year-old girl who was the recipient of my birthday wish donations, sent this thank you note to me and to all of those who contributed. Our money was wired to her family this week, for her ongoing medical care (and specifically for those prosthetic legs that she needs).
Friends, you are WONDERFUL.
A note for you:
I’m Brecken, the director of HandReach — the one who got to actually collect the money that Jana raised for her birthday wish to Meihua, the 12-year-old in China whose legs had been amputated in the Sichuan earthquake. We wired the money Jana raised to Meihua’s family about a week ago, and our coordinator in China told Meihua how “Auntie Jana” had raised this money in honor of her own birthday. Meihua said she was very touched and inspired by Jana’s big heart, thinking of others instead of just thinking about her own life. She said she hopes to grow up to be a woman like Jana someday and help children who need it. I’ll be meeting Meihua personally in a couple of weeks, and will look forward to sharing the photos of Meihua’s new prosthetic legs with Jana and all of her wonderful friends!
I’m Brecken, the director of HandReach — the one who got to actually collect the money that Jana raised for her birthday wish to Meihua, the 12-year-old in China whose legs had been amputated in the Sichuan earthquake. We wired the money Jana raised to Meihua’s family about a week ago, and our coordinator in China told Meihua how “Auntie Jana” had raised this money in honor of her own birthday. Meihua said she was very touched and inspired by Jana’s big heart, thinking of others instead of just thinking about her own life. She said she hopes to grow up to be a woman like Jana someday and help children who need it. I’ll be meeting Meihua personally in a couple of weeks, and will look forward to sharing the photos of Meihua’s new prosthetic legs with Jana and all of her wonderful friends!
This morning I found several new bright yellow roses had opened in my garden. It was my intention to share them with you via a few pictures, but when I turned on my camera I learned that my battery pack was dead. Oops! So here’s a photo of an orange rose from a few weeks ago for you to enjoy.
Today I’m thinking about open-ness. It’s a topic that I’ve discussed fairly often on my blog. For example, one of my primary aims in blogging was to discuss my disability in an open and honest way. There’s a strong taboo in our culture about addressing physical differences, and it seemed that a blog was a great way to initiate the discourse.
Of course there are risks to being open. When I talk about my experience as an amputee, I’m vulnerable to cyber-stalking by folks who have acrotomophilia (a sexual fetish for amputee women). So at some point I had to decide that the benefits of blogging about my disability outweigh the risks of attracting the wrong crowd of visitors to my blog.
Similarly, my discussions about my spiritual journey have often touched on the taboo. I’ve been open about my frustrations with the LDS church and my experiences as a marginal member. My attraction to Quakerism has also been an significant thread in this journey and it’s been important for me to share that with you, even though my Mormon readers might find it disconcerting. I know that some of my extended family members follow my blog and are saddened to hear that I’m not currently active in the LDS church. But the reality of that is that many of our family members have left activity–it’s not just me. And I appreciate open dialogue with family members from both extremes of the faith spectrum. I love hearing about how your spiritual experiences have impacted your life choices. Truly. Now I am not going to tell anyone how to live their lives, but I would encourage those who have something to say to me about the church or any other aspect of my life to feel free to initiate that dialog. I will listen to and respect your thoughts, even if my beliefs are different than yours.
In this process of navigating my journey it’s been my aim to be as sincere and honest as possible. I learned long ago that speaking my truth makes me vulnerable to hurt*, but it also helps me to live authentically. I am not one person in a church setting and another person at home. I am not different online than I am in person. I am not ashamed of anything I believe nor of any of my actions.
*and yes, it does pain me sometimes when anonymous folks leave rude comments. I am not made of steel (although approximately 1/4 of my body is a carbon-fiber composite that’s pretty rugged stuff).
or at the prompting of books, — it is our custom to think in the open air, walking, leaping, climbing, or dancing on lonesome mountains by preference,
or close to the sea,where even the paths become thoughtful.”
~Friedrich Nietzsche
Someone once said to me, that because I’ve had to fight so hard for things in my life (living with a disability has that effect), sometimes I don’t know when to stop fighting.
I’ve been thinking a lot about that lately. I enjoy the challenge that comes from doing something new or proving that I’m strong enough to take on the ‘impossible.’ But I know I need to pick and choose my challenges. I can’t do it all, and I need to guard my energy for the things that matter most.
A friend called me a ‘renegade’ yesterday when we were discussing my lifepath. He suggested that I can’t take the easy way out or follow the herd. He was right in some sense–I crave distinction and I find it more satisfying to live by my values than to conform to society. But I do wonder how much of my choice to live differently is based on an inherent enjoyment of the struggle, rather than the actual outcome.
Pic taken of me (by Dora) in 2005 on my way up the Badaling section of the Great Wall–a tough climb for someone who is as leery of heights as I am–those steps are super steep. But I had to climb even though my tummy was doing backflips–because I just had to!
Looking at this picture from last weekend always garners a smile even though I truly sucked at surfing–mostly because I couldn’t stay on the surfboard (each time a wave would hit, the weight imbalance between my right and left side would flip the board over). Since the lesson I’ve been pondering some strategies to make it easier next time. Meanwhile I’ll just stick to ocean swimming and/or boogie boarding.
There are two things about this picture that really make me happy:
- In getting out on the board I tried something scary/hard/seemingly impossible. I tried it just to see what would happen. And there’s a thrill in doing that and not being afraid of failure (or perhaps realizing that failure will happen and that’s okay, too).
- In this image my body looks healthy (especially those shoulders), a far cry from where I was a year ago. I can’t say enough how thrilled I am to be strong again. When I move in the buoyancy of the water, the physical difference from my limb loss is erased–I can ‘float’ and move comfortably, naturally.
My life is a continual journey of lessons and learning. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.
PS: For those of you who want to read a bit more about me & mine, I’ve recently written a piece for The Exponent about my marriage and am quoted on Bill Lobdell’s blog. Also, a thoughtful post on Main Street Plaza links back to John & me and here’s a gorgeous poem in John’s honor from BiV.
From what I can gather, John’s impending church council for apostasy would be either the first or second incidence of a church member receiving discipline for blogging. Right now I am pondering the possible significance of this. For those of you who are LDS, does it concern you that this could set a precedent for future ecclesiastical discipline against blogging? If so, how do you think this might affect online conversations, which up to now have been uncensored by church authorities?
I’m too tired to write a full blogpost tonight, but I just wanted to post this quick pic from today’s Los Angeles adventure with two new friends (one of them was holding the camera for this shot as we rode the train back home).
And….thank you for all of your kindnesses and well-wishes. Three cheers to being ‘open’ to all of life’s pleasures and possibilities, I say! :) I refuse to live my life by fear and I refuse to let others’ choices diminish any of the joy that I feel on my journey.
:)
Feeling the need to republish this “classic” piece due to recent happenings. Perhaps my true sadness is that this church continues to provoke such strong feelings of frustration and disappointment, just when I think I’ve made “peace” with it. I want to say some more and to really vent, but I’ll hold off. It’s just not even worth wasting my time on, methinks.
The acknowledgment of our weakness
is the first step in repairing our loss.
~Thomas Kempis
While I was at the Sunstone Symposium in August, sitting in a session about women and the Mormon church, I had to fight the urge to flee the room.
In sitting there I realized that the rationales, the angst, and the pain of gender inequity–those were the things that I’d been so relieved to leave behind when I stopped attending LDS church. Being confronted with them again was repulsive and pulled me back to that dark place where I’d been a few years ago: a sort of dark cave where I felt stranded. Where I couldn’t see how god could bless an institution that was so biased, so short-sighted. And at the same time afraid of the pain that would come to me and to my extended family should I choose to walk away.
As these thoughts ran through my mind I felt a pendulum of emotion shifting to and fro inside of me and I was on the verge of tears. And then I realized something about myself…I’m just not one of the “strong ones” who can continue on in the LDS church while being fully aware all of its flaws. My soul and my spirit just aren’t up for the task. I am too weak. Too fragile. I need a spiritual home where I am buoyed and supported and affirmed. The dissonance of being Mormon was literally ripping my spirit into pieces. I felt no hope there.
For me, the move to practicing as a Quaker is not just transferring my allegiance to a new religious institution. It’s about adopting a spiritual practice and community based on the yearnings of my heart and not based on my pedigree and my upbringing. It’s a choice for comfort and peace. It’s laying down the struggle of trying to fit into the LDS mold–the continued abrasiveness of being a square peg that can’t adapt to the expectations and orthodoxies of Mormonism. It’s about recognizing my own weakness and accepting it.
The Mormon founder, Joseph Smith, compared his spiritual journey to that of a rough stone rolling down a mountain. He saw each of his experiences as chipping away at himself, smoothing away his raw edges. Me, I’m not up for a similar trajectory, or perhaps my body has just had enough trauma. I’m seeking an angle of repose.
Let me quote from a favorite author who has walked a similar path:
Spirituality is solitary…At times, it is lonely, often informed by pain. On other occasions, it is the body submerged in a phosphorescent tide, every movement sparking a trail of illumination. Afterwards, we sit on the shore in moonlight. No candles are necessary. Spirituality exists when we are present, buoyed up by the waters of attention. We learn the courage of faith. It is peace that is earned. We can take solace in the heat of doubt knowing this is the pulse of poetry.
~Terry Tempest Williams, Leap (2000)
As my birthday neared last month I received an email from the Facebook “Causes” application, suggesting that I could put a Birthday Wish on my FB page to gather donations for a favorite charity in lieu of birthday gifts. At first I was reluctant to participate. I tend to dislike FB apps and I don’t want to annoy my FB friends with frivolous emails or requests. However, I let the idea gel for a few days and then decided that it might be worth fundraising for HandReach, a non-profit that provides and education and medical care for children in China. When my friend Brecken (who works for HandReach) visited a few weeks ago I felt drawn to her stories of the children who were severely burned or disabled and were in need of prosthetics to replace missing limbs.
So I decided to jump in and do it, despite my initial hesitancy. As I logged onto the application it gave me many options for my “wish,” including setting a suggested donation amount ($38 because I was turning 38 years old), sending out individual messages to each of my FB friends, letting the application take over my status messages for the duration of the fundraising, and setting a reasonable campaign goal (I chose $380 thinking that maybe 10 of my friends might want to contribute).
What ensued blew me away.
I met my $380 goal within a few hours, then upped it to $600 and met that quickly, too. I then set the seemingly unreachable goal of $1000 and met that long before my actual birthday. What an amazing experience it was to see the donations and well-wishes pouring in from friends near and far.
Words aren’t enough to tell you how much joy it brought to be a part of this campaign and to experience the goodness and generosity of my friends. And I’d call this a tremendous success story for the potential of social media. While I think Facebook and Twitter can be huge time-wasters, they also have HUGE potential for connecting groups of likeminded people for doing good. We saw this with the impact of social media on the last election and I’m sure that we will continue to see its ripple effects in the months and years to come. It’s invigorating (even seductive) to participate in these forms of media and to get a feel for their immediacy and power.
After the hoopla of my Birthday Wish was over, one of the developers of the Causes application contacted me about the success of my fundraising efforts. From her I learned that my Wish had earned more funding than most, and they wanted learn why I was so successful. In a nutshell, these were my thoughts:
I picked this particular organization because they give money for medical care to amputees in China–I am an amputee myself so this is a Cause that I’m passionate about and that most of my friends have sympathy for through my experiences. My advice to those who are considering a Birthday Wish is to choose an organization that reflects your own experiences and interests–so your friends will feel invested in supporting your Cause.
One reason I believe I received so many donations is that I not only had FB announcing my Cause, but I also did daily blogposts leading up to my birthday about my Wish, I tweeted the link daily, which was ‘re-tweeted’ by some friends.
I found myself incredibly satisfied with the overall functionality of the Causes application and would encourage each of you to consider a Birthday Wish campaign. I look forward to seeing what Cause would motivate you to forgo birthday presents, and wish the developers of this application the best of luck in their efforts in using Facebook for such positive ends.
As my birthday neared last month I received an email from the Facebook “Causes” application, suggesting that I could put a Birthday Wish on my FB page to gather donations for a favorite charity in lieu of birthday gifts. At first I was reluctant to participate. I tend to dislike FB apps and I don’t want to annoy my FB friends with frivolous emails or requests. However, I let the idea gel for a few days and then decided that it might be worth fundraising for HandReach, a non-profit that provides and education and medical care for children in China. When my friend Brecken (who works for HandReach) visited a few weeks ago I felt drawn to her stories of the children who were severely burned or disabled and were in need of prosthetics to replace missing limbs.
So I decided to jump in and do it, despite my initial hesitancy. As I logged onto the application it gave me many options for my “wish,” including setting a suggested donation amount ($38 because I was turning 38 years old), sending out individual messages to each of my FB friends, letting the application take over my status messages for the duration of the fundraising, and setting a reasonable campaign goal (I chose $380 thinking that maybe 10 of my friends might want to contribute).
What ensued blew me away.
I met my $380 goal within a few hours, then upped it to $600 and met that quickly, too. I then set the seemingly unreachable goal of $1000 and met that long before my actual birthday. What an amazing experience it was to see the donations and well-wishes pouring in from friends near and far.
Words aren’t enough to tell you how much joy it brought to be a part of this campaign and to experience the goodness and generosity of my friends. And I’d call this a tremendous success story for the potential of social media. While I think Facebook and Twitter can be huge time-wasters, they also have HUGE potential for connecting groups of likeminded people for doing good. We saw this with the impact of social media on the last election and I’m sure that we will continue to see its ripple effects in the months and years to come. It’s invigorating (even seductive) to participate in these forms of media and to get a feel for their immediacy and power.
After the hoopla of my Birthday Wish was over, one of the developers of the Causes application contacted me about the success of my fundraising efforts. From her I learned that my Wish had earned more funding than most, and they wanted learn why I was so successful. In a nutshell, these were my thoughts:
I picked this particular organization because they give money for medical care to amputees in China–I am an amputee myself so this is a Cause that I’m passionate about and that most of my friends have sympathy for through my experiences. My advice to those who are considering a Birthday Wish is to choose an organization that reflects your own experiences and interests–so your friends will feel invested in supporting your Cause.
One reason I believe I received so many donations is that I not only had FB announcing my Cause, but I also did daily blogposts leading up to my birthday about my Wish, I tweeted the link daily, which was ‘re-tweeted’ by some friends.
I found myself incredibly satisfied with the overall functionality of the Causes application and would encourage each of you to consider a Birthday Wish campaign. I look forward to seeing what Cause would motivate you to forgo birthday presents, and wish the developers of this application the best of luck in their efforts in using Facebook for such positive ends.
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