Category: deep thoughts

  • almost there…

    almost there…

    Ten years ago I took the first steps to something important, this becoming-a-doctor thing.  It’s so close now, that the last step is consuming all of my mental energy and my discretionary time.  In the midst of it all I’ve left emails unresponded-to, missed appointments with friends, and have been a bit short-tempered in situations where I would usually be calm.

    I’m told, by others who’ve done their PhDs, that this is normal.  The end is hard and intense and time-consuming.  For me, it feels a lot like when I’m almost to the top of a rock-climb and I’m exhausted and my whole body is shaking from the effort to get there.  At that point it’s all I can do to keep focused on what’s in front of me and take it one step at a time.  If I get distracted by anything other than reaching the top, it’s likely that I won’t have the energy to do that one last push to get there.

    So…I apologize for my flakiness in the meantime.  Just a few more weeks and I’ll be on the other side of this and life will go back to photos and paddling and poetry and time-with-friends once again…

  • the wild west (of the internets)

    the wild west (of the internets)

    Recently, I received an email from someone in the marketing department of an institution that I’m affiliated with.  Turns out, he was expressing concern about some of my web activities that didn’t carry appropriate institutional branding.  He explained that I was “going all wild west” and doing things my own way instead of following policy.

    Boy, did I get a kick out of that message.

    Because I realized that what I like most about the various digital spaces where I play, is precisely that they are all “wild west.”  As soon as such venues are codified and monetized, they lose their appeal for me.  I need a place to play and get messy and make mistakes.  I don’t much need a place to play by the rules.  I already have plenty of those kinds of places in my life.

    For example, lately I’ve lost interest in Twitter.  While I still auto-tweet some blogposts and post photos of what I’m eating, I don’t generate much new content there nowadays.  Instagram, which seemed a lot of fun for awhile, lost a lot of its appeal when it was bought by Facebook.  Ditto for Gowalla and Brizzly (Gowalla I miss especially–I liked it early on when I was earning badges and toting items around wherever I traveled).   I though maybe Pinterest would be my new digs, that is until Ann Romney joined.  That kind of killed it for me.  I dabbled a bit in Storify until I realized that it was cross-posting all of my stuff to Facebook.  Ugh.  Hate applications that go there.

    So…I need a new online frontier.  Anyone have any suggestions for me?

    Note: photo above taken while I was on a western road trip two weeks ago–driving from one end of California to the other…

  • make me smile…

    make me smile…

    Heather’s post about her changes in blogging since her marital separation got me thinking about how my blog has changed over the past couple of years.  That, and the recent attention that my Mother Work post* garnered from various media outlets made me remember a time when a lot of what I wrote here was meaningful and interesting and widely-linked.

    A huge change in my blogging practice is due to working full-time.  Gone are the times when I could devote an entire morning to composing a blogpost.  Added to that, is the fact that I’m not getting as personal anymore–for so many reasons.  And, I’m working so much in ‘auto-pilot’ mode most of the time, that I’m not sure that I even have many deep thoughts to share anymore.

    So, instead, I post random bits of poetry and some photos, my travelogues, and the music that’s driving my day.  Because they make me smile and that happiness seems worth sharing with you.

    These days I feel more like a magpie who’s pulling at random bits of string and shiny things to feather her nest, than I do a writer with something important to say.

    *That Mother Work post was the product of a two-hour middle-of-the-night writing jag when I just couldn’t sleep.  Those nights are few and far-between now that my alarm is ringing at 6am.

  • how the sea pines…

    how the sea pines…

    Honestly, I never would have thought that a comparison of the sea to a book could work quite this well.  I’m reading this poem over and over and over again, and it’s pulling my thoughts towards finding a beach to pitch my tent this weekend…
    (note: more of Claire’s poetry can be found here).

    Aquinnah

    by Claire Åkebrand

    Midnight rain gusts against the tent’s drape.
    What height might the already tall waves since noon
    have reached. No light illuminates the felted seascape.
    Just a dim glow of froth, and dune,
    waves all ruffled up pages of a book
    no one has entirely read. How the sea pines
    for a reader. I hear her slinging her hooks.
    No one walks the shallows at this hour. Her brine
    would tow me quickly to her heart. What sea
    creatures might gape for me there.
    Drowsing off, I’m swallowed, and reeled
    again and again by the wake and snared
    to a place each human has been before
    to find nothing but the sallow ocean floor.

  • easter

    easter

    Last Easter weekend was momentous for me–during my long drive to northern California I did a lot of important thinking, and made some significant decisions about what I wanted from my future.  To see the consequences of decisions made that weekend play out in the year since, is a remarkable thing.

    Though I no longer celebrate a Christian holiday at this time of year, it remains an important time for renewal for me.  A time for daffodils and decision-making and peace.

    Image above is of the Pysanky eggs that Catgirl creates each year while at the Quaker Easter retreat.  That she spends her Easter holiday among F/friends makes me happy, even if it’s a time that she spends with her father and not with me.

  • this is how it works…

    I will confess, I haven’t listened to Regina Spektor in a long long time, having removed her from my playlists over a year ago (the songs reminded me too much of my ex, and I had one spectacularly awful breakdown-moment when “Samson” came on while I was on a date–egads, I didn’t need that reminder). But….”On the Radio” appeared on my Pandora playlist this morning and I found it as utterly delightful as the first time I heard it. Perhaps even more so, because I think I understand even better now what she means when she sings “you’ll just do it all again…”

    This is how it works
    You’re young until you’re not
    You love until you don’t
    You try until you can’t

    You laugh until you cry
    You cry until you laugh
    And everyone must breathe
    Until their dying breath

    No, this is how it works
    You peer inside yourself
    You take the things you like
    And try to love the things you took

    And then you take that love you made
    And stick it into some
    Someone else’s heart
    Pumping someone else’s blood

    And walking arm in arm
    You hope it don’t get harmed
    But even if it does
    You’ll just do it all again

    *It’s interesting to me, too, that I first met this friend while at a Regina Spektor concert two years ago, and she’s been such an incredible support to me ever since… :)

  • exploring the edges…

    exploring the edges…

    Because I’m such a fan of Steven Johnson’s The Ghost Map, I chose to download another book by him that Amazon recommended, called Where Good Ideas Come From: The Natural History of Innovation. Usually I avoid books like that that sound like the latest evolutionary-biology-turned-pop-psychology type of text. But based on my enjoyment of his other book, I downloaded it and began reading anyways.

    Lately I’ve been mentally debating the risks of big change versus the comfortable rhythms of my mostly-suburban lifestyle. Some of this line of thinking comes from my desire to buy a house in an urban-ish SoCal neighborhood and some of it has to do with my thinking about what I want to do with my life once I’m an empty-nester. I feel torn between a desire for nature and quiet and places with ponds and lots of trees (and perhaps, an ocean nearby), and the hustle of an urban space filled with noise and smell and remarkable public transportation options. As I was mulling through this possibilities recently, a friend suggested that cities are more generative spaces, where more innovation occurs–and that if I want to stay in a world of high-tech, I would be better served by making a leap to such a space. Johnson argues along these lines, too, saying:

    “Recall the question we began with: What kind of environment creates good ideas? The simplest way to answer it is this: innovative environments are better at helping their inhabitants explore the adjacent possible, because they expose a wide and diverse sample of spare parts—mechanical or conceptual—and they encourage novel ways of recombining those parts. Environments that block or limit those new combinations—by punishing experimentation, by obscuring certain branches of possibility, by making the current state so satisfying that no one bothers to explore the edges—will, on average, generate and circulate fewer innovations than environments that encourage exploration.”

    While I don’t think that cities have an exclusive market on “innovation” or “experimentation,” I do feel convinced that I need to surround myself with a lot of novel input in order to foster my curiosity about the world and my place in it. Often, my best ideas come when I’m outside of familiar territory (i.e. my living room couch or the neighborhood where I’ve lived for 20 years), so I think I need to continue to find ways of doing that, more often.

  • I am not…

    I am not…

    I am not…
    young
    penniless
    or very good at giving directions.

    I am not…
    musical
    middle-aged
    or prone to laughing quietly.

    I am not…
    hungry
    disconnected
    or lost.

    I am…
    resilient.

    PS:  Picture above shows the peach blossoms in my garden, just in time for “(kiss me now) spring.”

  • My Top-10 clothing-packing tips

    My Top-10 clothing-packing tips

    Inspired by this Profhacker post, here are my Top 10 clothing-packing tips.  I believe in keeping things simple, and developed the strategies below so I can minimize the worries that I have before an upcoming trip, and so I can prepare at a moment’s notice.*  For me, that means carrying on one small roll-aboard suitcase with my clothing/toiletries and a shoulder bag with my travel documents and electronics.  For long trips with many transfers, I’ll carry it all in one backpack.

    1) Travel light.  If in doubt, don’t bring it. (I can’t emphasize this enough–one can definitely travel in Europe for two weeks and wear the same clothes everyday)

    2) Related to #1, Carry on.  If you carry on your bags, you’ll be forced to travel light and can make smoother transfers, and can get where you’re going without needing an assistant or a trolley to get you there.  But egads, don’t be that carry-on person with the too-large expandable-zipper suitcase.  If you can’t lift it over your head and into the bin easily, it’s too much.

    3) Make a universal packing list and then customize it for each trip.  I keep my universal packing list in a googledoc (so I can access it from work or phone or home), and then create a new list for a specific trip using the universal list as a template.  Or if my travel is so last-minute that I don’t have time for a custom list, I just use the universal one.

    4) Include an outfit list with your packing list.  I print out this list and put it in the inside mesh-zipper pocket of my roll-aboard, where it’s visible every time I open my bag.  I didn’t use to do that, but I found that if I make a list of each outfit that I’ll need for my trip, I’m less likely to forget something like the shoes or the tights that I need to make an ensemble work.  And I’m also less likely to be packing items that I won’t actually wear and will add unnecessary weight (see #1). Also, I rarely bring more than three outfits on a trip–even one that’ll last two weeks.  By outfit list, I mean something like this:

    Conference day #2: black slacks; brown sweater with black tank layered underneath; black trouser socks; black flats; gold chain necklace and gold hoop earrings; grey raincoat and blue flowered scarf

    As a sidenote:  I’ve you’ve seen me at many conferences you’ve probably realized that I wear the same outfits to most of them.  I like having a “uniform” and making things easy on myself that way–so I can focus on the content of the event and not on fretting about what I’m wearing to and from.  While I also get a lot of pleasure from looking nice when I travel, for me keeping things simple offers that, rather than worrying too much about the details of my clothing choices (and knowing that and being stress-free is more important to me than accessorizing).

    5) Wear black and grey items with colored accessories.  It’s true that I probably wear too much black, but it’s so seductive when one is packing light–it not only doesn’t show roadgrime, but it can go from casual to classy just by changing a necklace or a scarf.  For example, one of my must-packs is a black knit dress like this one.  It can go from beach to opera house** depending on whether I wear tights or a belt or boots or chandelier earrings.  I can layer a long-sleeve tee underneath it for winter, too.  My black travel staples include the dress mentioned above, a tanktop, wash & wear dress-slacks, and a long-sleeve tshirt.

    6) I try to make sure that every item I bring can be both dressed-up and dressed-down, particularly my bulky outerwear because I don’t want to bring along more than one coat or jacket.  For example, for winter I’ve got a hip-length grey wool peacoat that looks good with jeans and a t-shirt, as well as over a cocktail dress.  For fall weather I bring along an artsy-looking black velvet blazer with a bright-colored lining that can be worn with tailored clothes, casual, or dressy.

    7) I wear one pair of shoes and pack another.  Usually I wear something more casual (i.e.  Cons) and pack a pair of black flats.  If it’s winter and I need to bring boots along, then I sacrifice a lot of suitcase real-estate to do so (it’s rarely worth it to me).

    8) For me, going through TSA checkpoints can be a bit of a hassle (i.e. I always get the patdown), so I tend to wear as little clothing as possible for those encounters.  Usually that means a knit dress over leggings or a tank top with slacks or jeans.  That way, there’s no mystery about what I might be “hiding” under my clothes.  Most importantly, I carry the same bags every time I travel so I’m familiar with exactly what they look like and how they feel in my arms. So I can easily tell if I’ve forgotten anything, or left an item behind on the conveyor belt–even when my mind is preoccupied about whether I’ve got time for my flight transfers.  Also, I tend to wear socks when I travel because I don’t like the idea of walking barefoot through the TSA area (oh, and I also like going sock-footed while at my seat on the plane).  But maybe I’m just weird that way.

    9) Have dual-purpose clothing.  I pack pajama pants that I can also wear to the gym, and a spandex tank-top that can be paired with a skirt for a night out, layered under a sweater for warmth, worn for a workout in the hotel fitness center, or also worn for a dip in the ocean/hotel swimming pool/WaldenPond.  I will confess that I’ve done all of those with the same tank-top in the same trip.  It works, and one can always rinse it out in the sink and let it dry overnight if one doesn’t want eau-du-pond lingering for the rest of your travel.

    10) This is only tangentially clothing-related, but is so important to smooth travel, that it warrants being the capstone on this list.  Keep your travel documents in one place, and make that the same place in the same bag every time you travel.  I carry a file folder in my shoulder bag with my travel documents, including itineraries, reservation conformations, train passes, addresses/phone list, and conference schedules.  If I take a document out of that folder, I put it right back in as soon as I’m done.  I also use that same folder to collect receipts for travel reimbursement, or brochures from places that I visited.  If I’m having to jot down some important contact information for my trip on the fly (i.e. my hotel reservation was changed to a different place and I’m copying down an address for a cab driver), I’ll write it directly on the outside of the folder so it’s easy to find.  Then when I get home from the trip I put that folder into my file drawer for future reference.

    And a bonus:
    11) Streamline electronics.  In an ideal world I would bring my Canon 50d and my MacBook and my phone and e-reader along on every trip.  Instead, for freedom and mobility I allow myself one large (read: heavy) electronics item and I forgo the others.  For example, if I’m headed to Europe for pleasure, I’ll bring my nice camera and leave the laptop.  However, if I’m traveling domestically for work, I’ll probably leave both home unless I’m giving a conference talk and I need to present from my laptop (although Prezi for iPad might mean I no longer do that, soon enough).  I tend to bring my iPad (non-3G because I’m cheap like that) and iPhone on every trip now.  On the iPad I load guidebooks and layover-reading materials.  Given its longer battery life, it’s well-worth the weight of that in addition to my iPhone, which works better for mapping and communicating with fellow travelers or family members back home.

    *one day last summer I spent time in three different countries with social obligations in each one that required changes of clothing.  Pulling that off has convinced me that traveling light and simple is the way to go–so I can enjoy the journey more and fret less.
    **or to an on-the-spot cameo appearance in the LDS Conference Center
    musee d'orsay

  • timeline

    timeline

    Recently, I switched my Facebook profile to the Timeline format.  I resisted the change for awhile, thinking that it was better if some parts of my last few years remained in deep-storage.  But I knew that FB was going to force me onto Timeline soon enough anyways, so I decided it was time to set it up.

    As I looked over at the early months of 2011, I was surprised at just how excited I was at everything I was experiencing–so many new places, new friends, roadtrips, adventures.  Wow (funny how I’d even forgotten many of the details, and just how close together many of those events actually occurred). I was a woman who was simply thirsty for everything–I think I must’ve hardly slept at all, I was moving and evolving so fast as I shed the trappings of marriage and everything else that had been holding me back..

    But…perhaps what’s been most interesting to me about perusing the timeline and considering just how much my life has changed in the interim, is my near-silence about some important people that I met then–most specifically the person that I dated for many months, and who is now an integral part of my daily life.

    And…I still don’t have a lot to share here (or on Facebook) on that topic.

    Of course he’s a quiet presence in many of my tales and tweets and photos, and many of my “in-real-life” friends and extended family members have become acquainted with him over the past year.

    But I find it a hard balance to share my personal life–a space intimately shared with my children and my partner–and my desire not to erode the singular identity that’s come at such a price over the past few years.  Added to that, is the fact that I no longer need the validation that comes from sharing certain personal happenings in a public venue.  Maybe that will change over time, but for now it feels right…
    freedom

     

  • wearing my heart on my sleeve (or not)…

    photoFor a good long time (most of the life of this blog), I wrote a lot of super-gooey happy stuff about my spouse and my kids and and my canoeing and my schooling and just about everything else wonderful I could think to write about.  Of course there’ve been some hard times, but the balance has been tilted towards the joyful/remarkable/magical.

    I think, since my divorce, it’s been a bit harder for me to be so celebratory in this space.  It’s true that I still tend to post a lot of happiness here, but I think it’s toned down a bit.

    Now it seems a bit harder for me to celebrate my own successes or happinesses, because I fear it would hurt those of my friends who aren’t experiencing those themselves.  When there is so much unemployment in my social circle, it’s hard to feel joy in having job security.  When a friend’s car is becoming unreliable and they don’t have the resources to fix it, I’m a bit embarrassed by the two new-ish cars in my driveway.  When I hear of a health diagnosis that’s the worst-case-scenario rather than the best-one, it’s hard to find pleasure in my own health.  When others have lost love in their lives, I don’t want to cause pain by speaking about my own romantic adventures.  Perhaps a lot of that sort of feeling comes to a head on a day like today, where half of my friends are celebrating their relationships and the other half are decrying a holiday that’s so overwrought/commercialized/saccharine…

    Maybe it’s because I know (all too well) what it’s like to be alone on a special holiday, to face financial uncertainty, to get bad results from the lab tests, and to have news that wounds so deep inside that it takes days for the sun to shine again, that I’m feeling for friends who are experiencing those now.  And I wish I could find a way to salve the hurts and difficulties and make things easier again…

    On Sunday at sunset I stood at the top of Griffith Park and looked over the whole huge city of Los Angeles and saw more stories and people and places than I could hardly process in a glance.  I’m sure there was all kinds of horror and heartbreak out there in the city, but I couldn’t see it in that moment.  For me, it was simply beautiful.

    But…I wouldn’t know how beautiful it was to be there and to see that if I hadn’t also had days where I couldn’t ambulate well enough to get out of the house, or times when I didn’t have the resources to travel across the city, or moments when I didn’t have a person to share it with walking at my side.

  • standing

    standing

    For the past few weeks I’ve been sitting in a chair at a computer for so many hours a day that my body started rebelling. I knew I couldn’t keep it up–it was getting too hard to stay in the same position for so many hours straight. So I decided maybe it was time to experiment with a standing desk.

    I decided that I shouldn’t buy a standing desk if I wasn’t sure whether I would use it, so I kluged together a desk at about the right height with a milk crate and a few other odd-n-ends from around my office. The first few days of standing went really well–I liked how it felt to get out of my chair and the change kept me focused and productive.

    But I noticed one major problem. I do a lot of one-on-one meetings with faculty, and they became awkward if I was standing at my desk instead of sitting. But I needed to stand to work at my computer (usually I’m demo-ing some software with faculty during our meetings, so I turn my big iMac screen so we can both see it as I’m talking with them). The person I was meeting with invariably felt like they needed to stand up, too. It made our interactions less personable and chatty. I noticed that they apologized often about ‘interrupting me,’ even if we had an appointment to meet together.

    On Day four of my standing desk my left knee began to bother me, an IT-band issue, apparently. By Day 5 it pushed me into a chair more often–the tightness in my knee becoming more unbearable as the day wore on.

    So the upshot of the experience is that I’m still unsure whether I’ll invest in a standing desk. I think it feels good to have a different workspace, especially one that gets me out of my desk chair. But I think the same types of problems that I have with sitting all day will also happen if I stand all day (perhaps even more so, since I’m standing on one organic leg and one bionic one).

    What about you, have you experimented with a standing desk? If so, did you find that it worked well, or did you lose interest in it once the novelty wore off?