Category: deep thoughts

  • once upon a time…

    Once upon a time, I was engaged to marry. As is the custom in my family, I made a quilt. The design reflected the hopes and ambitions that I had for my life. It was all-white, intricate and symmetrical. It was a vintage pattern to remind me of the ways that my life was connected to my heritage.  It was filled with circles to symbolize the ring I would wear in marriage:

    1455121662_dff1d4cfbf_b

    Over the years, I saved bits and scraps of brightly-colored cotton fabric. Then I let my daughter play around with these (with the help of her Aunt Susan), and she made this, while she was still in grade school:

    crazy quilt

    These two quilts are so heavy with metaphor, that it’s difficult to write about them without sounding trite.*  Perhaps it is enough, for now, to say that once upon a time…I made a quilt.

    *And I have already written some of these stories, here and here.

  • on hope & history…

    From Rebecca Solnit’s Hope in the Dark: Untold Histories, Wild Possibilities, on hope and change and activism:

    Causes and effects assume history marches forward. but history is not an army.  It is a crab scuttling sideways, a drip of soft water wearing away stone, an earthquake breaking centuries of tension.  Sometimes one person inspires a movement, or her words do decades later; sometimes a few passionate people change the world; sometimes they start a mass movement and millions do…All of that these transformations have in common is that they begin in the imagination, in hope.  To hope is to gamble.  It’s to bet on the future, on your desires, on the possibility that an open heart and uncertainty is better than gloom and safety.  To hope is dangerous, and yet it is the opposite of fear, for to live is to risk.

    As someone who studies those slow eroding drips of history, I love how Solnit affirms the notion that individuals can create large-scale change. I need to remember this for those days that I feel apathy, and for those moments when I feel small.

  • of pearls and seaweed

    From the journal of Henry Thoreau:

    pearls and seaweed
    …Thoreau’s Journal: 06-Jul-1840

    Have no mean hours, but be grateful for every hour, and accept what it brings. The reality will make any sincere record respectable. No day will have been wholly misspent, if one sincere, thoughtful page has been written.

    Let the daily tide leave some deposit on these pages, as it leaves sand and shells on the shore. So much increase of terra firma. This may be a calendar of the ebbs and flows of the soul; and on these sheets as a beach, the waves may cast up pearls and seaweed.

    A few weeks ago I “archived” my blog, with the intention of not writing in this space again. It seemed a wise move, a motivator for me to be writing in other places, for publication. But then I realized that I need this space, if only to clear the cobwebs from my head every once in awhile, and to record the “ebbs and flows” of my daily life.

  • life, the universe, and everything

    life, the universe, and everything

    Being the geek that I am, I’ve been anticipating tomorrow for quite some time.  It’s not only Towel Day, but it’s my Towel Day–I’ll be turning 42, which means that it is destined to be the perfect birthday.

    Except, of course, it is not.  I’m not wandering in Italy this year, I’m not hosting an inspiring fundraiser, and I’m not throwing a party for friends.  In fact, I haven’t been feeling well at all lately due to this.

    But…

    At the same time, I’ve never felt more at peace with my life than I do now.  I’m not railing against a rigid religion, or feeling friction from a failing relationship, or worrying about what lies ahead.

    Instead…

    My days are filled with many pleasures: a satisfying job, many books to read, much time on the ocean, a happy home-life, and friends who like to talk long into the summer evenings.  If I could sum things up in just a few words, it would be that I am satisfied.  Satisfied with who I am and all that’s happening in my life.  In fact, that’s the primary reason I haven’t been blogging much anymore–I don’t have angst and worries and unfinished business.  I’m recording many of my simple pleasures on instagram, but find little in my everyday life that warrants blog discussion.

    I have enough.  I am enough…

    I suspect that, for me, that’s why 42 is The Answer to “life, the universe, and everything.”  So many things just aren’t necessary on our travels when we know where our towel is.  The rest just seems to work out one way or another.  Or, perhaps we learn that whatever does happen is answer enough.

  • Easter, redux

    Easter, redux

    I tend to feel very reflective on Easter weekend.  Perhaps because it’s spring, or perhaps because every Easter seems to mark a milestone in my life.

    The past two Easters I’ve been in the Bay area, and enjoyed that long drive across the state alone–giving me time for reflection (I do love me a roadtrip!).  But this year I’ll be with the kids again, which makes me pretty happy.  Gameboy is home from college and I never do seem to have enough time with Catgirl.  We’ll also be with a group of Friends–sitting in silence and eating wholesome food and enjoying the mountains.

    I’ll be bringing along my good camera, to capture a few photos of daffodils as I wandel around in the woods (that’s dutch for “walk”–isn’t that a great word?), and will post photos of this year’s Pysanky eggs as soon as they are revealed.

    What I wrote on Easter weekend in 2012:

    Last Easter weekend was momentous for me–during my long drive to northern California I did a lot of important thinking, and made some significant decisions about what I wanted from my future.  To see the consequences of decisions made that weekend play out in the year since, is a remarkable thing.

    Though I no longer celebrate a Christian holiday at this time of year, it remains an important time for renewal for me.  A time for daffodils and decision-making and peace.

    Image above is of the Pysanky eggs that Catgirl creates each year while at the Quaker Easter retreat.  That she spends her Easter holiday among F/friends makes me happy, even if it’s a time that she spends with her father and not with me.

  • busy-body

    busy-body

    Reading Andrea’s post about busy-ness reminded me of a change I made awhile ago.  I decided that I wouldn’t reply to people that I was “busy” or “too busy” when they made a request.  Because it seemed that I’d fallen into a pattern of using that excuse to get out of doing things that weren’t important to me.  Instead, I started replying with a more specific response, either letting them know what was precluding me from attending their party/concert/kaffeeklatsch or explaining that I couldn’t help them because I had another responsibility that was taking priority at the moment.

    Doing so gave me the opportunity to affirm my priorities, such as replying that I couldn’t attend an event because I wanted to spend time with my daughter that night, or I couldn’t join in on gathering because it was a morning that I needed to be out on the ocean, getting some exercise.  I’d like to think that it made my relationships with my friends and associates more authentic, too.  Because I was able to honestly respond to their requests with an affirmative “Yes, I will attend,” or a “No, I have another engagement that will take precedence on my calendar.”  I’m not sure if that was how it was received, but it made me feel better than just the canned reply of “oh, I can’t–too busy.”

    But, additionally, I have been trying to take more time for friends lately.  A chat in front of the fireplace, taking a yoga class together, or even just a brief phone call.  I don’t want to ever be “too busy” for friends, and it feels good to make time with them as a higher-priority item on my list of possibilities.

  • Hey you!

    Hey you!

    Recently I’ve had several sweet friends contact me to see if I’m okay–they’ve noticed my lack of posts on the blog, on FB, twitter, etc.

    I’m fine, and I appreciate the concern very much.  It may be that I won’t return to posting with my previous enthusiasm for awhile or maybe never.  We’ll see…  :)

     

  • short shameful confession #28

    short shameful confession #28

    I have an IRL fetish.  I have a few of them, actually, but the one that’s on my mind right now is my IRL fetish for paper.

    We have boxes full of creamy think white paper leftover from wrapping dishes in our recent move, and I love the texture of it, the color, and its soft wrinkles.  This weekend Catgirl and I used the paper to create a skirt pattern for sewing, and it was an utter delight to use a thick artist pencil on that paper, too.  So much so that I was dreaming about all kinds of ways I might use paper again (digital schmigital).

    That, and I’m also thinking about the book that sits on the edge of my bathtub to entertain me during my evening soaks.  Wet fingers on paper (and the wrinkles that those wet fingers leave on book pages after they dry) are a texture that feels so much more bone-deep satisfying than a swipe of a finger across a screen.

     

    Previous short shameful confessions

     

    Note: featured image is of the old-timey letterbox (and nearby elevator) in the lobby of  the Hotel Allegro in Chicago.  It made me want to mail a few snail-mail letters to friends…

  • 2012 Retrospective #3 (finishing)

    2012 Retrospective #3 (finishing)

    The next installment on my 2012 Retrospective series:

    Finishing my PhD meant the end of a lifetime school career.  With the exception of a few months between the births of my two kids, I was a student my entire adult life.  Until June 2012.

    I’m still grappling with the loss of the “student” discounts for movies and museums and so many other things…

    This resulted in an identity shift that’s much larger than putting aside the laminated student ID card that I carried in my wallet everyday.  Not being a student somehow means that I’m a grown-up now, in a way that I wasn’t before.  It gives a feeling of no longer being “in progress” but of having reached an endpoint of a journey.  There’s something in my soul that has had a hard time accepting that feeling and figuring out what’s next.

  • 2012 Retrospective #2 (simplicity)

    2012 Retrospective #2 (simplicity)

    Post #2 in my 2012 reflections…

    Simplicity is one of my core values, one reinforced by my Quaker beliefs.  The best way that I’ve incorporated simplicity into my life in 2012 has been in the home where I live.  It’s uncluttered and open, and thus it’s easy-to-care-for.  It rarely looks messy just because there isn’t much stuff to pile up.  In general, my fridge and cupboards and closets are sparsely-filled.

    When I moved, I got rid of stuff.  As I packed, before any item went into a box I asked myself whether it was useful and whether I loved it.  If it wasn’t either of those two things, it moved on.  Broken stuff was discarded.  Anything that I hadn’t used in more than a year went to the goodwill. Also, if something had a bad memory attached to it, it didn’t make the cut.  That last element is an important one–I realized that bad memories can clutter my home just as much as piles of physical objects.

    One lesson that I’ve learned from my recent travels, is that there’s very little stuff that you actually need on a daily basis.  So I’ve incorporated that lesson into the ways that I’ve organized my surroundings.  Also, I learned from some of the hotels that I encountered in my travels that sparseness makes feel more comfortable than a space full of many things. (note: I took this to an extreme during christmas when I realized that I couldn’t stomach piles of gaudily-wrapped packages under the tree.  Instead, I used the soft white packing paper that we’d recycled from our move to wrap our gifts)..

    Another way that I “keep it simple” is to arrange all of my financial documents to be delivered online (no more paper!), to shop online, and to keep my google calendar updated.  When I bring in the mail each evening I sort it immediately and try to deal with each piece of paper then, instead of letting them linger somewhere in a pile.  That, and I try to keep stuff in the same spot all of the time so it’s not hard to find when I need it (no more searching for shoes and keys and phones).

    Most importantly, and this is related to my first retrospective post about finances, is that I resist the pull to accumulate more things.  When I’m tempted to buy something new, I first consider how I might meet that need in some other way besides accumulating more stuff.  Maybe I can netflix or ILL that movie or book (or buy it on kindle).  Maybe I can use a slightly different-shaped pan instead of buying a new one with a specific purpose, or maybe I can downscale my giftgiving to a small thoughtful thing rather than many unnecessary things.  Or maybe I can wear some sparkly earrings with that favorite older dress to a special event instead of buying a new one.

    Overall I’ve learned that a quieter simpler life feels better than one filled with busy-ness and things.  Sure I am still often crazy-busy (lining up one to-do after another each evening until I’m exhausted just thinking about it all).  But…I still feel as though this year has taught me much about what’s really important.  And what that is is something that rarely has a shelf-life or a price-tag.  Instead, it’s time spent on the porch swing with a book, or giggling with the kids over a meal, or singing too loud while on a road trip, or a ramble on the beach on a windy day as I am squinting into the horizon.

    This sweet hedgehog bell hangs in the doorway to our home.

    Retrospective Post #1: Finances

  • 2012 Retrospective #1 (finances)

    2012 Retrospective #1 (finances)

    I’m planning to do a series of reflective posts about last year.  It was a big year for me, primarily because it was my first full year being divorced.  What that meant for me was that it was my first full year on my own, where I was financially and physically responsible for myself and my kids.

    That’s a lot to grapple with.

    Perhaps the biggest challenge of being on my own was managing my own finances.  First, I set up a rough budget and tried to live with that, being careful of my spending.  I was fortunate to find a very affordable home for our family, which made living within my means easier than I’d feared it would be.  There were many financial unknowns on the horizon for our family and I also had to pay full tuition for my last few quarters of my PhD program, so I had to be quite careful with my spending.  I found that the (free!) mint.com software helped me to keep tabs on all of my accounts, debts, and assets quite easily.

    The next step was that I anticipated how much I would owe the government and adjusted my tax withholding accordingly (and was so close in my gu-esstimation that I owed less than $200).  I then filed my taxes on my own (with a wee bit of help from TurboTax), which was a bit complicated because of divorce-related entanglements, but I managed to figure it out and also, several months later, I managed to convince the IRS not to audit me when they questioned my status as Head-of-Household(!).

    My employer offers free retirement consultations, so I set up an appointment to ensure that I was taking full advantage of my employer’s matching contributions, and also to discuss how much additional money I should be putting away each month.  While I could definitely be doing better in my long-term savings, I saw a significant increase in my retirement account this past year (it more than quadrupled), so I feel satisfied with my efforts in that arena.

    Overall, while there were some facets of my finances that still warrant improvement, I’m calling 2012 a success.  I sat down and crunched some numbers a few days ago and realized that I began the year with a negative net worth, and am ending it in the black–and all of this while supporting my kiddos well (and even paying for my son’s first semester at a private college).  Whew.

    I know, all too well, what it’s like to not have paycheck-enough to stretch to the end of the month.  I know, too, how careful I still have to be with my finances so I can keep my bills paid and not feel stressed by those expensive emergencies that crop up now and then.  Also, I recognize just how precarious my own financial stability is in today’s economy.  But…even as I realize that, it’s a good feeling to mark 2012 as being the year that I established a strong foundation for my future financial security (and for that of my children, too).

    Photo of my daughter, when she was about 3 or 4 years old.

  • Recursion

    Sorry for anyone who’s getting pinged every time I post.  It seems that the IFTTT.com service that I’ve been experimenting with the past few days has set up a loop of posting and reposting my Facebook links to my blog.

    That was not part of the plan.  But yet, it’s a rather interesting thing to have my blog and my Facebook in a link-laden recursive conversation with each other…without my involvement.