Category: deep thoughts

  • off center


    unfolding, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

    I don’t want to tell this story, really, but I will anyways.

    On Wednesday afternoon I felt a strange burning on my left calf–in the area where my wound was from 10 days ago. Later that night after being on my feet for a few hours at some meetings, as I got undressed I realized that my lower leg was raw and swollen. I passed the night feverish and in increasing pain. By Thursday morning I realized that I needed to see a doctor, and soon.

    It’s hard having just one leg, to have something go awry like this. Ambulation became nearly impossible, I couldn’t drive, I was getting increasingly scared about the hot red swelling spreading up my leg.

    Long story short: I am on some antibiotics and I haven’t left the couch since returning home from the doctor. We are watching carefully for signs of further problems but so far all seems okay.

    This incident has caused me to consider many things: the problems of antibiotic resistance, my vulnerability to infection, and my dependence on John & the kids. I find myself continuingly grateful for a spouse who keeps a job that he dislikes so I can have good health insurance.

    But the overriding emotion for me, in all this, has been fear. I am scared of pain, of being bedridden, and of having my body be out of my control. Even as I write this there’s a big knot in my stomach. Because I remember another time when my leg was red and swollen and I started spending most of my days on the couch. Since then I don’t think there’s ever been a day that I have not felt afraid that it could happen again. To me. Or to one that I love.

  • which part is mine?

    small and purple
    Today as I sat in silence, an old song was running through my mind. It’s a ballad by LDS songwriter Michael McLean and each verse portrays a stage of a women’s life and has her perplexed by her role in her various relationships–with friends, spouse, children and spiritual journey. The refrain asks “Which part is mine and which part is yours?”

    I thought about this song as I pondered my various relationships. I wondered, for example, about my children’s growing autonomy. At what point do I intervene and help them to solve their problems and when do I let them learn their own lessons? How much do I hover? When it is better to let them strike out on their own? How can I affirm my love without stifling them or breaking their will? And are there moments when I am too aloof, too absorbed in my own projects?

    I thought about it in terms of my relationship with John. I considered the significant investment I have in him and how difficult it is for me when, like this last week, he is out of town. And I wonder what the best balance is between absorbing myself in him and pursuing my own goals & desires? I considered those moments when my being self-focused weakens our relationship. Yet I also think that, in many ways, I can only be a good partner when I have a strong self to offer. Which part is mine and which part is his, indeed?

    This line of thought also has resonance with my involvement in the larger community of Friends. For the past two years I’ve mostly been a recipient–indulging in the efforts of others’ planning, sharing, and ministry. This has been a necessary time to nourish my wounded soul. Accepting the care of others has allowed me space and time for healing. I wonder, though, if it isn’t my turn to serve? As I sat in Meeting today and acknowledged each person in the circle I realized that I have much to give. I am no longer the girl in corner who is constantly on the verge of tears, who has no voice to speak in Meeting. Perhaps ironically, this brings to mind some words from my patriarchal blessing, an admonishment to “move with confidence because there are many who look to you as an example and who will receive encouragement from you through your example.” I am starting to feel that it is “my part” to become more active in the Meeting community. Perhaps it is time to return some of what I have received.

  • 98 degrees

    ‘Nuff said….

  • reverence


    iris, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

    Reverence the highest, have patience with the lowest. Let this day’s performance of the meanest duty be thy religion. Are the stars too distant? Pick up the pebble that lies at thy feet, and from it learn the all.
    ~Margaret Fuller

    [Note: this iris is one of the beauties blooming in my garden right now. I love the two-toned purples. Nearly everyone who passes by comments on how spectacular these flowers look.]

  • letters


    forgotten_letter, originally uploaded by sillydog.

    I have always been a letter writer. I love the feel of a fresh piece of stationery, and watching my words fill a card or a page. I fell in love with my spouse through the letters we exchanged during the years he was in Japan–long before the days of email.

    During my college years I wrote letters every Sunday. Letters to John, letters to my parents and extended family, letters to friends both close and farflung. I kept a thick folder of quotations and poetry that could easily be inserted in letters. When appropriate I enclosed pressed ferns or flowers. I decorated my stationery with pictures in the margins and with stickers. I often sealed them closed with an impression from a favorite rubber stamp.

    My Mom recently came across the letters that I wrote to my grandmother–covering a span of two decades. Mom had never known that I’d written so frequently and at such length. I remember thinking, at the time, that my grandma would be delighted to get my missives in the mail and it seemed an important duty to write to her often. And she regularly replied, though more than once she expressed her surprise at how much I liked to write letters. I wonder, now, if I was one of the few who wrote to her during those years. Perhaps it was those many years of letters that led to our closeness when I eventually moved my young family near her home. She came over regularly and offered much help and advice with the children. Though our interests didn’t overlap much, it was a joy to have her participate in our lives and I’d forgotten how important that was to me at the time.

    Grandma loved roses and she let me pick from her many rosebushes as much as I wanted to. After visiting her I would craft huge bouquets that brought me much joy during the years that I didn’t have my own garden. I suspect that much of my affection for flowers comes from grandma and her husband, who was also an avid gardener.

    Grandma is still alive, but suffers now from advanced Alzheimer’s and resides in an assisted living facility. She doesn’t remember any of her family members–even her own children. But I have heard that she still enjoys receiving cards and letters.

  • breathe vs. achieve

    like a sunset

    What can we do but keep on breathing in and out,
    modest and willing, and in our places? ~Mary Oliver


    Last night in our Study Group, a friend gave an awesome lesson about world religions and what we can glean from various faith traditions to augment our own spiritual paths. She read a passage about the difference between ‘western’ traditions versus ‘eastern’ traditions, specifically noting that western traditions emphasize progression whereas the eastern foster satisfaction with the here and now–“being” in the moment.

    I’ve been thinking about that a lot today. I often work so hard to achieve things, yet I crave just sitting in solitude or the time to lose myself in a flower or to lie across my bed with a purring cat beside me. I have so many lofty goals–books to write, places to travel, classes to teach, and so on. But I feel a tension between the ambition it will take to accomplish these goals…and the desire to sit in solitude.

    I think for now I am choosing the latter. And tomorrow I will take up the pursuit again. But today, I may just breathe awhile.

    The best things in life are nearest: Breath in your nostrils, light in your eyes, flowers at your feet, duties at your hand, the path of right just before you. Then do not grasp at the stars, but do life’s plain, common work as it comes, certain that daily duties and daily bread are the sweetest things in life.
    ~Robert Louis Stevenson

  • a(nother) project

    Over the past few weeks I’ve been playing with wordpress and redesigning the ExponentBlog site. It went live last night, which is a relief. I’m looking forward to working on some other projects now!

    Over and over again during this project I had moments where I realized that I was stretching my knowledge. Thinking to myself, “Wow, never done that before” or “Wow, I didn’t think I could do that.” Though the site isn’t the splashiest, flashiest thing, it represents many successes for me and that’s exciting, indeed.

    And you can just guess (hint, hint) that now that I’m done with The Exponent, I’ll be implementing some of my new tricks here at pilgrimsteps.com pretty soon! :)

  • the facts of life…

    These these life & death portraits and the accompanying stories express in so many ways what I feel every day. That life is too short to put off happiness for some future date:

    Gerda couldn’t believe that cancer was cheating her of her hard-earned retirement. “My whole life was nothing but work, work, work,” she told me. She had worked on the assembly line in a soap factory, and had brought up her children single-handedly. “Does it really have to happen now? Can’t death wait?” she sobbed.

    And the subtext of this photo essay? Cancer fucking sucks.

  • April Fool’s

    April Fool’s Almanac, for your reading pleasure.

  • already

    Dear Spring Break:

    I miss you already. Why did you have to leave so soon?

    Sigh.

    Fondly,
    Me

  • Holy H-E-double hockey sticks

    The DesNews linking to lil ol’ me. Thanks Emily Jensen–I’m so flattered to be included in your bloggernacle lineup.

    So welcome to all you readers of the Mormon Times and the Lord’s Anointed Newspaper. Feel free to sit yourself right down in a cozy chair, kick your shoes off, prop your feet up on the edge of the “Postum table,” and stay awhile.

    PS: If you liked “Brilliance,” you might want to take a peek at some more of my blogpics or my flower/garden photos….

  • note to self

    I am not sick, I am not sick, I am not sick.

    And maybe, just maybe, someday I will be a star…