In the library with my dig camera. surreptitiously ‘copying’ an article by taking photos of it. much cheaper than the copy machines…
Author: Jana
-
something’s simmering
Something’s been simmering at chez pilgrimgirl (part of the reason that I’ve been running so many ‘classic’ posts lately). A new top-secret project…
This picture is a hint.
Can I just say that I just love new projects! And can I also say that I’ve been humming this song an awful lot lately…
-
pilgrimgirl classic: proclivities
Picture: Close-up of a small purple flower with pink stamens.
Recently we watched the movie “Amazing Grace” (which I highly recommend to each of you). The main character, Wilberforce, realizes that he could easily spend his life enjoying nature–studying spiderwebs and gazing into flowers. He find so much satisfaction in his communion with the natural world. Yet he comes to realize that this isn’t his mission in life. Instead, he becomes a politician and is instrumental in ending the British slave trade.
Some days I feel like I lose myself in a flower. Time flies by while I’m in my garden and I start to only care about growing things. The rest of life seems so mundane in comparison. Yet I also have this feeling that I am supposed to do so much more. That gardening is important, even bedrock, for my life. But it’s not the whole of it. There are books to write, and children to raise, and friends to meet. And the flowers will continue to grow. Whether I am wholly absorbed in them or not.
-
TV-Free
I’m going to start this post off with a lie. The lie is that we don’t have a TV.*
We are often asked why our kids are so amazing and smart. Though some of it is probably due to good genes, it is quite possible that much of their intelligence, curiosity, and good behavior is the result of our not having a TV.
When John and I married, we decided that we wouldn’t own a TV. We felt that TV was just a waste of time. We’ve stuck to that resolve except for a short 6 month period when I was pregnant with CatGirl and my grandma insisted on giving us a large spankin’-new television set. In our brief TV era we enjoyed a lot of PBS programming, including such classics as Bill Nye and The Big Comfy Couch. But after the baby was born we sold the TV to the neighbor and quickly settled back into our sans-TV lifestyle.
Yet we haven’t completely deprived ourselves of TV programming. Over the years we’ve occasionally rented TV shows from the library or from netflicks. For awhile we watched movies via a VCR hooked up to our computer. Now we watch via DVD. I think my kids have seen every episode of The Magic SchoolBus and WishBone. I can’t think of any other series that they’ve watched in its entirety.
There have been a few times that our TV-free life has been socially awkward. But now with youtube we can watch all the funny bits of most shows (and with no commercials!). And I’ve experienced many shows vicariously through re-tellings from friends (e.g. I feel I’ve watched every episode of Seinfeld simply through various watercooler-talk references and not through actual watching of the show).
I’m sure that there are plenty of brilliant TV-watching kids out there. And I’m sure that a TV-less lifestyle has probably hindered our kids socially a bit. But there’s something completely satisfying about the fact that my kids have wanted very few toys or cereals or any such thing simply because they’ve never seen or heard of them. We’ve filtered much of their media exposure and they are the better for it. I suspect that when they leave home they may go through a kind of TV orgy period. Indulging in such entertainment 24/7. And I’ll roll my eyes and tell them that I thought they’d learned better than that. But secretly, inside, I’ll be smiling at their mini-rebellion. And I suspect after the novelty wears off, that their homes will be TV-free, too (if there even is such a thing as TV in their futures).
*Full disclosure: We actually do have a TV–given to us by one of John’s coworkers. We use it for playing Taiko DrumMaster and Dance Dance Revolution. We’ve never used it to watch any kind of TV programming. In fact, I wouldn’t even know how to hook the thing up to receive cable although we get it for free where we live. -
pilgrimgirl classic: passing
This entry originally appeared on 9/25/06:
Last night I lost a friend to complications from breast cancer. She was a loyal friend, a Mormon historian, and an avid gardener. She and I met in an LDS writer’s group a few years ago. We shared a lot, including some deep thoughts about living with a disability and cancer. She wrote me about two weeks ago to tell me that she was ready to die now, a big change from her feelings when she was first diagnosed with terminal cancer.
I won’t get to attend her funeral. I know none of her family members. These roses are for her.
-Pause-
A neighbor just rang the bell. When I answered it I saw a huge bundle of rosemary in his arms. He explained that he he had more clippings than he could use, and thought I would enjoy some.Rosemary, the herb of love and remembrance, is steeped in thousands of years of myth and tradition, known to have been used for magic, healing, and seasoning since the beginnings of recorded history.
The herb was originally carried to funerals simply as a protector against infection. It soon became customary, however, for mourners to drop sprigs of it onto the coffin as a promise that they would not forget the deceased.
“There’s rosemary, that’s for remembrance,
pray, love, remember.”
(Shakespeare, Hamlet) -
last night I had the strangest dream…
Let myself sleep in this morning and dreamed much more lucidly than usual…
I was riding in a van with a friend who let me know that he was divorcing me (even though we weren’t married). But somehow this also meant that John was divorcing me.
Then we went to church. It was the old LDS Chapel where we held our wedding reception except moved to the location of our favorite public library.
I went to Sacrament Meeting but no one would let me sit down–even in the empty seats. Apparently they were all ‘saved’ for other people.
So I went outside and stood on the porch and realized that a huge tsunami-like wave had flooded the area all around the chapel. I was shocked and scared. But when I tried to raise an alarm to other attendees, they said it happened all the time and not to worry.
As the water receded from the lawn in front I saw that it was covered with small birds’ nests. I was told that the birds were chickens and that I needed to gather their eggs into my basket (yes, apparently I had been carrying a basket all along).
As I gathered the eggs I realized that the birds were really sparrows and not chickens. Each nest had two live chicks and several eggs. I gathered a basketful of delicate spotted eggs.
Then I woke up and called for John.
He reassured me that he wasn’t seeking a divorce. Folded me in his arms and listened to my retelling of the dream. Then we mused on the possible symbols and meanings.
Then I got up and started my day.
-
pilgrimgirl classic: sour
A reprint from 2/14/2006
Note to self: next time John gets you your favorite super-sour gummies for Valentine’s Day Eve, squeal when he presents them to you. :)
However, do not proceed to eat said gummies while wearing a low-cut top and reading scholarly journal articles because sour gummy powder will then accumulate in your, um, cleavage while you are concentrating on the arguments of the very stimulating writings of 19th-century historians.
And then you’ll wake up in the middle of the night w/ cleavage sore and burning from said powder and you’ll have to teach the next day while trying to ignore that you want very much to scratch that particularly irritated area….
-
the sacrament of doubt
Just skimmed through Paul Toscano’s latest book, Sacrament of Doubt
. This book might appeal to some of my readers with LDS background. It’s a collection of Paul’s recent talks, including a rather scathing critique of Mormon apostle Boyd K. Packer. But what caught my eye was this passage:
Perhaps faith is to give God the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps doubt is to restrain the narcissism of certainty. For me, the bread of doubt is as sacred as the water of faith. Together they form a eucharist of hope, a wellspring of charity–a love that is neither partial nor sentimental but simply the heart’s desire that God’s love fall like rain in equal measure upon the just and the unjust, that no one claim a blessing one would withhold from another or impose a burden one would not bear oneself.
Such charity is what, in the end, may be the best remedy for the privations of poverty, the pretensions of priesthood, and the privileging of patriarchs because it does not arise upon the authority of certainty but is a grace flowing freely from the ordinance of faith and the sacrament of doubt.
-
Just sing
In various venues I’ve discussed how singing aided my journey from depression.* Even given that, I don’t sing as often now as I did a few years ago. I think I’m just too wrapped up in my daily busy-ness. I’m in a rut, perhaps. So I appreciated xJane’s challenge last week to “Sing.” As part of that I’m sharing a favorite song with you (the video follows the lyrics). I especially like the lines that I’ve put in bold type.
Why this song resonates with me: I think fear rules far too many of our choices. Some days we need to just break out into song, not being afraid of what others around us may think. Just letting the words rise in our throats and drip off of our lips. Gaining pleasure from the strength of our own voice…
There is this thing that’s like touching except you don’t touch
Back in the day it just went without saying at all
All the world’s history gradually dying of shock
There is this thing it’s like talking except you don’t talk
You sing
You singSing for the bartender sing for the janitor sing
Sing for the cameras sing for the animals sing
Sing for the children shooting the children sing
Sing for the teachers who told you that you couldn’t sing
Just singThere is thing keeping everyone’s lungs and lips locked
It is called fear and it’s seeing a great renaissance
After the show you can not sing wherever you want
But for now let’s just pretend we’re all gonna get bombed
So singSing cause its obvious sing for the astronauts sing
Sing for the president sing for the terrorists sing
Sing for the soccer team sing for the janjuweed sing
Sing for the kid with the phone who refuses to sing
Just singAs a little treat, you might want to check out my old post about John’s uninhibited singing….
*Such as in my Sunstone presentation on this topic–see SL04271, Real Goddesses Have Curves (and Identities)
-
pilgrimgirl classic: Why I Blog
Friends, I read through this post from 7/24/06 last night and thought it might be about time to repost it. Enjoy!
I’m preparing to speak about Mormon feminist blogging in a few weeks. So as I’ve been mulling over various thoughts, I thought I’d make a list of the top 10 reasons why I blog….
1) For reflection. Each time I sit at my computer to write a post, I reflect on my life and cull the gems that I feel are worth sharing. This affords the opportunity to recall joy, blessings, frustrations. I like these moments of examination, they offer great insight.
2) For FUN. Often, blogging is play for me. I take an experience and try to render it in text. I experiment with phrasing, punctuation and pauses. I attempt to express humor and pathos.
3) To tell it like it is. I like having the uninterrupted space to tell my stories. No one is cutting me off mid-sentence or censoring my words. It’s probably the narcissist in me that enjoys the blog as both soapbox and pedestal.
4) To speak the unspeakable. On my blog I’ve often discussed my disability. This is a fairly taboo subject in mainstream culture. It’s empowering to me to tell the stories of my different body without framing them in terms of an inspirational or pity-full narrative. Yet, ironically, it is the parts of my life that are the most visible (my religious practice, my academic pursuits) that I discuss least often. I’m not yet sure why that is. (more on this in #10)
5) To share pictures. I’ve just started really enjoying photography. I know our camera sucks and my photos are amateur-ish, but they bring me great joy. I love sharing my ‘lens’ with you.
6) For community. Several of you, dear readers, know me only through my blog. Others of you are old familiar friends who like to continue to keep in touch through cyberspace. I cherish my virtual neighborhood. Your blogs and emails nourish me, your thoughts buoy me, and your comments affirm, challenge, provoke and validate my musings.
7) For memory. What joy it is to scroll through my blog history and remember the fun things I’ve done!
8) Because I’m a geek. Hmmmm….yes, I spend a good chunk of my day sitting at my laptop writing emails and composing blogposts. ‘nuff said.
9) To mimic John. I’m not really the jealous type, but I saw all the benefits that he’s gotten from blogging through the years, and I wanted in on it, too!
10) To be vulnerable. Though the personal essays and other opportunities I’ve had to share the intimate parts of my life over the past 10 years, I have often been afraid. I’ve been afraid to tell the truth as I see it, I’ve been afraid of offending, I’ve even been afraid of ‘discipline.’* But there is something so empowering about laying out truth bare. My truth-telling brings me closer to others, creates bonds with strangers, allows an intimacy that is both frightening and exhilarating.*I suspect that the reason I feel reticent to discuss school and church are because of fear of backlash. Within academia there’s a pretty high barrier to becoming personal and vulnerable. The LDS church has a history is censuring its more outspoken members, especially feminist women. So far, no one in the Mormon ‘Bloggernacle’ has been disciplined by church authorities for what they’ve written on their blogs, yet I am still wary. I love the freedom of the LDS community on the Net. I don’t want to see that change.
-
greatest hits
Some keywords that’ll hit my blog first on a google search:
mormon quaker
amputee jana
flower pilgrimgirl
Eleanora Duse food
scribes changing the bible
[Note: that last one really surprised me]okay and this is a bit of a cheat because it doesn’t pull up my site, but it pulls up a post that I wrote for another blog:
mormon kama sutra
