Got a surprise package in the mail yesterday. It was a bundle of old letters that I’d written to a former beau (D). This particular guy I dated, off-and-on, for about 7 years.
At first I was delighted. The silly little cards, odd stationary, the doodles drawn in the margins and the photos (yah, this was all back in the stone ages when long-distance romances had to be carried out in paper and not via email or voice messenging). Fun.
But then I was horrified–for awhile I had, um…ditched D in favor of a mutual friend. The ditch was mean and purposeful. And I gloated about in my letters to D afterwards. (Ok…I have to say here that the ditch was short-lived and D and I were soon back together, but I was, nevertheless, quite cruel in my letters.)
So, hoping to feel some sense of redemption, I mentioned to John that I thought I had changed a lot since I was 16. I made the comment hoping for a bit of validation. Something along the lines, of “Yah, you’re nothing like that nowadays.”
Instead, John said something more like: “Jana, you can be completely self-centered. You think the world revolves around you.” [Note to readers: John’s comment sounds tough here, perhaps given the context–he’s actually a super-supportive husband. But he’s also good at guiding me through moments of self-introspection].
That stung. But deservedly so. I realized that I hurt people every day through my self-absorption. I have a huge ego. I am cocky and smug. My little jabs at D about the other guy might be old news now, but I do similar things all the time. Like answering emails while my kids are begging for my attention, continuing painful threads of conversation w/John even after he asks me to stop, not giving extended family members attention until I need something from them, dominating conversations with my opinons, taking over meetings where I’m not in charge, asking others to do errands for me that I can do myself, etc.
So, for all those people out there that I hurt with my selfishness, I’m sorry. I can’t erase awful things like the foolish letters I wrote 20 years ago, or undo the biting comments, or take back my moments of inflated self-importance.
For those whom I have hurt, please accept my apology…I’m sorry. I’m sorry to have caused you pain. I promise to do better. To be less self-focused. Less of a drama queen/ heartbreaker/ selfish person.
And to D: thanks for the letters and the CDs (such memories!). Thanks for not holding it against me. :)
6 comments
And I can be completely wrapped up in myself and make flippant critical statements as well. I suspect some jealousy on my part, since you were going through memories of someone who was and is still very special to you.
Anyway, you are paradoxically one of the most self-focused and other-focused people I know. I think you’re just intense. It’s hard to be such an intimate part of your life and still sometimes feel like you’re someplace else for days at a time, because you can be so focused.
Sometimes I want to be more like you in this way, but I also value my ability to drop everything and give you and others my attention when it’s needed. I guess there’s pros and cons to both approaches…
Man, I wish someone would send me back all my letters I wrote 20 years ago, so I could assess how I’ve changed and how I’m the same. A couple of years ago, I went to some trouble to send back old letters to half a dozen friends (no old lovers among them, I don’t think; I think I saved the one major girlfriend’s letters still, as possible fodder for my own writing). I would be so thrilled to get such a package in the mail…
What happened to the other guy, the “mutual friend”? That sounds like an interesting story….
Dear G. Sumner (as I write this I’m not sure I can ignore the fact that you have the same first initial and last name of Sting!!!….):
As for the mutual friend, he continued on as said mutual friend. My relationship with him was really just a flash in the pan–I don’t think he was really invested in it.
The whole story is complicated by the fact that this all happened in the context of a sumer camp. D and I, as well as the mutual friend (MF), were campers and later counselors at this camp. Our romances were week-long trysts, reinforced by letters during the year and a few brief weekend visits (we didn’t live in the same states). We all had SOs outside of camp. MF had a pretty serious out-of-camp girlfriend (I think they were engaged?), so I don’t think he ever saw our brief relationship as anything more than a camp fling. D and I, however, had a pretty long-term and intense friendship/romance that lasted for many years. We’re still friends, though of the Xmas card variety because we live about as far apart as geographically possible in the contiguous US. Even if we did live near each other it might be awkward to be close friends since we’re both married to others now. (FWIW, tho, John has many of D’s qualities and I think D’s wife shares some of mine, too).
One of the reasons that D sent me the letters was because about 2 years ago I was working a novel that was loosely based on our relationship. I workshopped several chapters in a writing class that I was taking and I wasn’t getting the male protag right. I talked to D about it and he suggested that reading the letters might help…Now the story is on the back burner as I do my grad school work, but it’s something I hope to return to in the future.
Jana,
I love the personal/confessional qualities of this post. I don’t know you as well as some, but I can safely say that you are a person more sensitive to others than most. And regardless as to who your apology was directed at, I’m sure my feelings were never hurt by you. Paradoxically (to use a word from John’s comment), I will also say that sometimes growing hurts and you have helped me grow in some ways. :)
I think John was right when he said that I can be both intensely self-focusd and other-focused. I think I rarely intend to hurt others, and that’s what concerns me. I just don’t _think_ about how my actions influence other people (the result of my selfishness). I know I often hurt my family members in this way (both immediate and extended).
But I’m trying to be better. Especially with my kids. I want them to know that they are my first priority, and not just playthings or trophies.
I can be a really terrible friend–hot and cold depending on my mood and other distractions. I’m working on this, too. :)