Jana Remy
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Jana Remy

  • Writing
    • Disability
    • Making History
    • Digital Humanities
      • dayofDH
    • Canoeing
    • Creative Nonfiction & Essays
    • Feminism
    • Bibliographies
      • Pacific Worlds Bibliography
    • Social Media
      • Mentions/Links
  • Scholarship
    • Awards/Fellowships
    • Conferences & Invited Talks
    • Collaboration
    • Workshops
    • Conference Planning
    • Technical Skills
  • Teaching
    • Blogposts About Teaching
sweetie
familyJohn

sweetie

written by Jana January 25, 2011

Toby Joy in repose

This evening our vet put our TobyJoy to sleep, after her seizures had escalated to the point where further control with medication seemed unlikely. Her seizures started again a few days ago–small ones at first, then morphing into body-wracking shakes that contorted her small frame backwards and forwards.

Last night when Toby’s seizures began to escalate I texted John, unsure of whether it was appropriate to ask for his support. We exchanged a few messages as Toby writhed in my arms, and as her legs became paralyzed. I was so confused. I didn’t know whether to lean on John–as I had so many times before–or whether this was my own burden to carry. All I knew was that I was hurting and I couldn’t figure out who else to call on. For the past two decades when I’ve been weak, John has stepped in to “fix” the problem, to offer solace, to help me to decide what to do.

As I wavered with indecision, Toby was curled in a ball on my chest–so much like my babies did when they were little. Feeling her weight, wrapping my hands securely around her body, I settled into an armchair and sang some songs. I stroked her fur and told her how much I loved her. I rocked back and forth. I was unsure of what else to do but just be there with her. I alternately prayed she would die and then prayed that she would live. I cried. I hoped. I wondered. And eventually…the morning came.  When I needed help getting her into her crate for transport to the animal hospital, I chose to call on my friends rather than John.

Within a few hours John joined me at the vet to ascertain the extent of Toby’s ailment and we decided to put her to sleep to ease her pain. I sat, and John stood uncomfortably nearby as Toby’s doctor explained the procedure and our options. I signed the paperwork. Because Toby-cat was so ill, we got no last visit or chance to say good-bye.

When we settled the bill in the foyer (tears sliding down my cheeks) and reviewed the charges with the cashier, I pointed out some details to John and called him “sweetie.” It was pure instinct to address him that manner (as I always had).  The endearment spoken as we stood side by side, working through something hard together. I instantly regretted my slip, not knowing if he had even noticed it, but at the same time feeling an even greater loss than a moment before when all I was mourning was our sweet kitten.

We then walked out to our separate cars, me carrying Toby’s crate and collar.

John’s hands were empty.

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16 comments

melissa January 25, 2011 - 9:53 pm

*hug* (for all sorts of reasons)

Reply
bibliogrrl January 25, 2011 - 10:16 pm

*hugs* I am so sorry. The death of a beloved pet on top of everything else is just so unfair. (ask me how I know. *sigh*). I’ll be thinking of you.

Reply
Vajra January 25, 2011 - 11:06 pm

It’s so hard to say goodbye to these hearts wrapped in fur. I’m thinking of you.

Reply
Tiffney January 25, 2011 - 11:27 pm

I lost my cat Ripley to cancer two weeks ago . . . boy am I feeling your pain.

Reply
John White January 26, 2011 - 2:33 am

*HUGS*

Reply
Judy Jeute January 26, 2011 - 3:52 am

Damn, I am soooo sorry.

Reply
deb January 26, 2011 - 5:53 am

I’m sorry Jana.

Reply
catBonny January 26, 2011 - 8:06 am

Much love to you today.

Reply
Kaimi January 26, 2011 - 9:29 am

Aww, Jana. Hugs to you.

Reply
G January 26, 2011 - 9:42 am

:( :( :(
hugs and love to you and the kids

Reply
kmillecam January 26, 2011 - 1:27 pm

Jana, you have such a way with conveying these moments in life. I am thinking of my sweet kitty that died while I was away at college several years ago. I miss having a fuzzy little friend to snuggle, and still haven’t been living in a place where I could have another kitty since then. We’re moving soon though, and we may have enough room for a fuzzy addition to the family. I know I must fear death a little too much though when I think of having an animal whose lifespan I know I will the end of, and then still willingly letting them into my life and family. It’s such a loss to lose a beloved pet. :(

Reply
Mary Ellen January 26, 2011 - 2:26 pm

It’s such a difficult decision to end the life of a beloved furry companion. I hope it’s some comfort that Toby spent her last sentient moments in your arms with you giving comfort. And that when the moment came to decide, you did what was best for her–as you always have while she’s been in your care. Still, it’s hard not to have had a proper goodbye and awkward to have sweetie spill out while you were on trauma autopilot. Many hugs to you.

Reply
ECS January 26, 2011 - 5:13 pm

Thinking of you, Jana. I’m sorry for the loss of your sweet kitty.

Reply
Bored in Vernal January 27, 2011 - 8:47 am

I love you.
…that last line…oh.

Reply
Michael January 27, 2011 - 5:41 pm

I’m sorry for the loss of your furry friend.

Reply
looking forwards (and backwards)… | Jana Remy January 1, 2012 - 1:00 pm

[…] the way I’ve faced some of my worst fears: a rat infestation, a car accident, the prolonged death of a beloved pet. Entertaining for friends resulted in some spectacular parties, whether to mark a holiday or an […]

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About Me

About Me

Hi there friend, and welcome to my blog. I started writing on the internet more than fifteen years ago. Since then I've started and finished a PhD program, left the Mormon church and became a Quaker, got divorced, remarried, found full-time work in academia, took up rock climbing and outrigger canoeing, and traveled across the globe (China! Belgium! Italy! Chicago! Montana! Portland! Gettysburg! and oh-so-many points in-between). This blog is eclectic and random--it has poetry and cooking and books. And cats. And flowers. And the ocean (my ocean). But in that sense it's a good reflection of me and my wide-ranging, far-reaching, magpie curiosity.

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