A friend sent me a link to the video above, with a note saying how it reminded him of where I’m at in my life right now. Not all of the lyrics of the song apply to me, of course, but I am definitely wanting not to live a life of “what ifs” and regrets. Perhaps that does translate well to “living closer to the edge.” I want to take each day as it comes and simply live. As my friend Sara said so powerfully in so many ways on her blog, “Live Now, Die Later.”
"video"
“Great writers are either husbands or lovers. Some writers supply the solid virtues of a husband: reliability, intelligibility, generosity, decency. There are other writers in whom one prizes the gifts of a lover, gifts of temperament rather than of moral goodness. Notoriously, women tolerate qualities in a lover—moodiness, selfishness, unreliability, brutality—that they would never countenance in a husband, in return for excitement, an infusion of intense feeling. In the same way, readers put up with unintelligibility, obsessiveness, painful truths, lies, bad grammar — if, in compensation, the writer allows them to savor rare emotions and dangerous sensations. And, as in life, so in art both are necessary, husbands and lovers. It’s a great pity when one is forced to choose between them.”
~Susan Sontag
It’s been awhile since we’ve talked books (other than cookbooks) on my blog, but of course that doesn’t mean that I haven’t been reading. Although, of late, I’ve been reading more on my iPad than in ‘analog’ form. While there’s nothing quite as wonderful as holding a book in my hand and feeling its spine crack every so slightly with each turn of the page, the convenience of using an eReader makes them my favorite format these days–especially because I can sync my reading between my various desktop computers and laptops, my iPad, and iPhone (I have more of these devices that I can keep track of nowadays!). Here’s a list of some of the books that I’ve either recently finished or am currently reading:
The Great Railway Bazaar
This travel narrative by Paul Theroux is a description of his rail travels around Asia (including the Orient Express and the trans-Siberian express), and is what I dip into before bed most nights. He’s got me dreaming of future train-related adventures (I’m compiling a list of all those must-do journeys!). I’ve also got his book The Happy Isles of Oceania: Paddling the Pacific on my nightstand–to read as soon as I finish the Railway Bazaar.
Oranges Are Not the Only Fruit
I discovered Jeannette Winterson through her Bill Moyer’s interview about religion and writing. I first read her book Weight: The Myth of Atlas and Heracles because I’m always game for a re-telling of a classic narrative. However, her writing in that book didn’t charm me nearly as much as in Oranges. But of course, I am always a fan of a coming-of-age tale, and the experience of the young protagonist who finds herself at odds with her family’s religious tradition because of her sexual orientation, resonated on many levels with my own experience. I’ve also just barely finished reading her book Written on the Body
, which had some of the most tantalizingly-beautiful descriptions of physical love that I’ve ever encountered. The ending left me a bit flat, however (a cancer story–ugh). But I still highly recommend it, especially as a potent rumination on the way we humans tend to ‘create’ our lovers to satisfy our own needs.
Tess of the D’Urbervilles
This past year I’ve been re-reading many old favorite novels–especially those that impacted me significantly as a teen or young-20-something. I dove back into Tess for that reason. I first encountered Tess in high school and probably re-read it every year until my mid-20s (as well as Hardy’s entire oeuvre–his bleak settings with such tragic scarred characters really spoke to me when I was younger. Why, I’m still not sure). Tess grabbed me all over again, the words and storyline so familiar. I’m at once comforted by the routine-ness of the story, as well as freshly horrified by the plotline. I see myself, my daughter, and every other woman I know, vulnerable on its pages.
Storming the Gates of Paradise: Landscapes for Politics
For someone who knows the West as I do, Solnit’s writing feels as familiar as the rolling hills of California. A perfect accompaniment to my many recent roadtrips, and an affirmation of the importance of this land and our stewardship over it. Her chapter “Sontag and the Tsunami” sums up many of my own feelings about the cultural valence of war, poverty, and calamity:
“We cannot wish that human beings were not subject to the forces of nature, including the mortality that is so central a part of our own nature. We cannot wish that the seas dry up, that the waves grow still, that the tectonic plates cease to exist, that nature ceases to be beyond our abilities to predict and control. But the terms of that nature include such catastrophe and such suffering, which leaves us with sorrow as not a problem to be solved but a fact. And it leaves us with compassion as the work we will never finish.”
- MT @wcronon: I've just posted a new blog entry on UW-Madison's response to the request for my emails. Please share: http://bit.ly/dF00Mu #
- In the midst of planning three upcoming travel adventures around the West. Woot! #bringit2011 #
- RT @MHpodcast: Join us April 21st for "The Journalist as Historian" @theHuntington: http://bit.ly/dHZ4dA #
- Tried Korean BBQ for the first time tonite & had the all-u-can-eat special. It might be awhile before I eat meat again… #
- Big hat tip to DavidM for turning me on to Universalsubtitles.org-it's creating great transcriptions for our #ChapmanU oral history project! #
- The ocean, it's calling my name (I love it when that happens…). #
- I have synethesia. The 2nd video here is pretty close to how I "see" music http://bit.ly/efyuRq (h/t @anselm) #
- I'm testing the hypothesis that an indulgent weekend fosters a more productive workweek. :) #mondaymorning #sofarsogood #
- Slept in, drank afternoon tea in the sunshine on the front porch, & had a rather lazy Sunday. #indulgent #fun #justwhatIneeded :) #
- Medical "Art" Posters. Amazing. Wish I could see this exhibit! http://bit.ly/dJRbS5 (h/t Steve) #
- FRIDAY! #nuffsaid #
Yesterday I posted a video by Pink (the musician) and today I’m posting a slideshow of pink (flowers, from my garden). :)
I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong…I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles.
~Audrey Hepburn
[flickrslideshow acct_name=”pilgrimgirl” id=”72157625290605193″ border_width=”5″]
I’ve listened to some pretty spectacular and melancholy break-up songs these past few weeks. Most don’t entirely reflect my experience, but have some nuggets of emotion that resonate with the various stages of feelings that have accompanied my divorce.
For example, this one is excellent for those moments that I’m screaming at the universe (and my ex) (and, oh, that hair. I want that hair!).
And this one works for those moments when I’m feeling overwhelmed with a path that wasn’t of my choosing:
And certainly Piaf is apt when I consider whether I could have done something different along the way, or could have better protected myself from the pain that came from investing myself so fully in my marriage.
I’m not really in break-up mode any longer so these songs bring back specific memories of those first few days rather than reflecting the place where I’m at right now (which is, generally, one where I’m listening to less angry/sad music). But given how significant some of these songs were in my process, they seemed worth sharing here…
What about you, what songs have you listened to during a break-up?
This evening our vet put our TobyJoy to sleep, after her seizures had escalated to the point where further control with medication seemed unlikely. Her seizures started again a few days ago–small ones at first, then morphing into body-wracking shakes that contorted her small frame backwards and forwards.
Last night when Toby’s seizures began to escalate I texted John, unsure of whether it was appropriate to ask for his support. We exchanged a few messages as Toby writhed in my arms, and as her legs became paralyzed. I was so confused. I didn’t know whether to lean on John–as I had so many times before–or whether this was my own burden to carry. All I knew was that I was hurting and I couldn’t figure out who else to call on. For the past two decades when I’ve been weak, John has stepped in to “fix” the problem, to offer solace, to help me to decide what to do.
As I wavered with indecision, Toby was curled in a ball on my chest–so much like my babies did when they were little. Feeling her weight, wrapping my hands securely around her body, I settled into an armchair and sang some songs. I stroked her fur and told her how much I loved her. I rocked back and forth. I was unsure of what else to do but just be there with her. I alternately prayed she would die and then prayed that she would live. I cried. I hoped. I wondered. And eventually…the morning came. When I needed help getting her into her crate for transport to the animal hospital, I chose to call on my friends rather than John.
Within a few hours John joined me at the vet to ascertain the extent of Toby’s ailment and we decided to put her to sleep to ease her pain. I sat, and John stood uncomfortably nearby as Toby’s doctor explained the procedure and our options. I signed the paperwork. Because Toby-cat was so ill, we got no last visit or chance to say good-bye.
When we settled the bill in the foyer (tears sliding down my cheeks) and reviewed the charges with the cashier, I pointed out some details to John and called him “sweetie.” It was pure instinct to address him that manner (as I always had). The endearment spoken as we stood side by side, working through something hard together. I instantly regretted my slip, not knowing if he had even noticed it, but at the same time feeling an even greater loss than a moment before when all I was mourning was our sweet kitten.
We then walked out to our separate cars, me carrying Toby’s crate and collar.
John’s hands were empty.
A friend sent over this link, letting me know how the words of this song apply to my situation in many ways. I love it for numerous reasons, although it did make me desperately hungry for the ocean as I’m sitting in my office today…(oh, and reminded me how much I need to add some ab-strengthening exercises to my workout routine!)
- Last night I dreamed of ModPodge. And of songs about ModPodge. #THATCamp #craftcabinFTW #
- MT @PennamitePLR: @janaremy you mean the Analog Remix Lab & Game Theory Practicum? #dontmakeitsoundsofunitsunfundable #THATCamp //indeed! #
- Next #THATCampSoCal we want a Gaming Arcade next to the Craft Cabin! #beinganacademicissosofun #THATCamp #
- Whew…#THATCampSoCal is officially over now. What an awesome event. As always, amazed by the vigor & brilliance of DH'ers. #
- Just caught myself trying to set my iPhone alarm clock with a mapping app. It's official: #THATCamp wore me out today! #andstillmoretocome #
- RT @PhDeviate: Before heading to Haven pub, @janaremy and I will be taking #THATCamp catering leftovers to OC Rescue Mission. #THATGiving #
- Still a few timeslots left on tomorrow's #THATCamp schedule if you want to add a session: http://bit.ly/g1VV77 #
- Chicken & waffles at #THATCamp #whoknew? #
- RT @PhDeviate: #Freebase session is over, on now to the ACRONYMAPALOOZA that is (X)HTMLCSSXMLTEI! #THATCamp // ha!! :) #
- RT @hmprescott: Knitting Clio Daily is out! http://bit.ly/gYH4cm ▸ Top stories by @feminists @janaremy @dancohen @bikeshopgirlcom @dave_eby #
- Follow the #THATCamp hashtag today to see the tweets from the unconference that I'm chairing today! #
- RT @THATCampSoCal: The schedule for #THATCampLA http://bit.ly/g1VV77 // see you there! :) #
- Hosting @Phdeviate for #THATCampSoCal & looking forward for some Puerto Rican treats later tonite :) #
- the blossoms on my lime tree are so distractingly fragrant right now… http://brizzly.com/pic/43AJ #
- Now at #mla11 with two of the most brilliant emergent scholars in the house http://brizzly.com/pic/4381 #
- Don't forget: #THATCamp #mla11 meetup tonite,JWMarriott, Olympic 1, 8-10pm. All invited–even those w/o an MLA badge. Pls RT #
- RT @jbj:"Never doubt that a series of 140 character messages can change higher education. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has" #mla11 #
- I like my lattes with extra foam http://brizzly.com/pic/434Y #yumyumyum #
- It's really frustrating to cook in a kitchen w/half the stuff missing. Argh. At least he left the garlic, if not the olive oil #remydivorce #
- Can you folks in #309 #mla11 snap a few pictures with your phones? #Iwannaseeitformyself #
- RT @mlaconvention: Clarification: Because MLA MEMBERS do DH work and plan sessions for #mla11 All member driven. @janaremy #
- RT @FrostDavis: Online game, using @zotero, teaches citation skills: http://tinyurl.com/23srt8u // so cool!! #
- RT @jaheppler: "the PhD student is someone who forgoes current income in order to forgo future income" http://econ.st/icE1O4 //Indeed! #
- MT @cmleitch: People leaving previous session are talking about this newfangled "digital humanities" #mla11 //maybe at #aha2011 too? #
- Video: The oceans are werewolves. http://bit.ly/eMo47A (via @taojunky) #
I’ve listened to the video below over and over again. Gaiman’s voice is simply gorgeous and his words ring with so much possibility…
This year I intend to be wise and kind. I intend to create art and write important words. I intend to love and to like the people that I am with. I intend to dream outrageously and dangerously (and perhaps more importantly, I intend to take the steps necessary to fulfill those dreams).
This year ahead has a fairly well-defined script: file my dissertation, get divorced, turn 40. But I also suspect that it holds some miraculous surprises. So that next year when I write my wrap-up, it will be more than I ever imagined. (For a walk down memory lane, here’s my 2009 end-of-the-year blog entry.)
What about you, what do you imagine this next year holds?
It seemed time to run this post again–it was orginally published on October 20, 2006. A lot has changed in our home since this video: we’ve moved to a slightly bigger place, we now have a couch, and we no longer own that big table. But a lot has stayed the same (i.e. BOOKS)…
For your viewing pleasure, I’ve created a brief house tour video. This is for all those folks who are shocked/amazed/mortified that our family lives in ~750 sq ft of space. Of course, if we were in Japan, we’d probably have half this space and call ourselves lucky. But here in SoCal, our ‘living small’ lifestyle is definitely an anomaly.
The tour is limited to half of our home, so you’ll miss about five bookshelves (primarily the kiddos’ books and our magazines and journals). TobyJoy decided not to make an appearance in the show (EllyCat is the star) and John, CatGirl and GameBoy were at school during the tour, so the house is pretty quiet. One note: I mention that the table in the LR is “my desk,” well it’s also the heart of our home. We eat meals, watch movies, play games, read books, pray, and entertain guests around this table. Even as I type this post, John and I are working on our laptops at the table, and CG has a whiteboard that she’s drawing on at the table.
Our home is my very favorite place. There is a lot of love within these walls. It’s not fancy, but it’s home. :)
PS: kudos to John for helping me to compress the video for youtube!
PPS: Did you notice my oh-so-vintage-cool record player?? I’ll play some of my 80s record collection for you the next time you drop by for a cup of tea :)
Some of my raw emotions about losing my garden aren’t only about the loss of a plot of land. I always knew that it was not mine to keep. I always knew I would move on.
But maybe I just wasn’t quite ready yet. And it seems such a slap in the face to lose a magical productive food-growing urban garden to such a ridiculous development project. (h/t to my Quaker friend the “chard lady” for the video below. I missed spending time with her at the Quaker fall retreat to clean out my garden this weekend, at a time when I very much needed to be with Friends. Which made it all that harder….)