Category: things I like

  • backrubs!!!!


    when I weighed 85lbs, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

    This was just one page of the 1200 or so medical records that I viewed over the last few days while in the archives at the Denver Children’s Hospital, where my osteosarcoma was treated 25 years ago.

    This record cracked me up when I recognized my own handwriting on two of the line items (the rest of the form was penned by my very-favorite nurse Penny). As I was considering why and when I’d written on the intake form, I had a vague flashback memory of sitting on the hospital bed next to Penny, joking together as we filled out the form. I think she had to leave the room for a minute to attend to another patient and I wrote in those answers myself, the “no hospital food” and “LOTS OF BACK RUBS!!!!!!”

    After viewing so many pages of records that were about me but where my presence was only indirect, it was such a pleasure to see my own handwriting. It also made me remember the little ways that I took control of my experience in the hospital.

    Oh, and one more thing about Penny: she’d been a massage therapist before she was a nurse. And she did give the very best backrubs and headrubs (one good thing about being bald was that there was no hair to interfere with a vigorous head massage)…

  • I simply go on drifting…


    Cape Cod hydrangea in the morning, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

    An excerpt from Mary Oliver’s “What is There Beyond Knowing”

    What I know
    I could put into a pack

    as if it were bread and cheese, and carry it
    on one shoulder,

    important and honorable, but so small!
    While everything else continues, unexplained

    and unexplainable. How wonderful it is
    to follow a thought quietly

    to its logical end.
    I have done this a few times.

    But mostly I just stand in the dark field,
    in the middle of the world, breathing

    in and out. Life so far doesn’t have any other name
    but breath and light, wind and rain.

    If there’s a temple, I haven’t found it yet.
    I simply go on drifting, in the heaven of the grass and the weeds.

  • water, water, everywhere…


    sitting in the water, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

    This morning I opted for cross-training and did a session at the gym rather than paddling in the Back Bay or going for a swim. But all day I’ve had this ‘unfinished’ feeling. And I just realized, after watching the trailer for this outrigger film that I’m just hungry for the open water, for the thrill and the fear of it. For diving deep and moving freely.

    Bench pressing just isn’t going to do it for me anymore, I suppose…

    Pic above of me in Walden Pond last week. I was giddy with the pleasure of swimming around in such a gorgeous body of water! Kudos to ECS for snapping a few pics of me while I swam & played. :)

  • and did I mention…


    Boston Public Library courtyard, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

    Boston, Boston, Boston, BOS-TON! And did I mention Boston?

    Boston 2008

    Boston 2007

  • Catalina Crossing

    Some random delights from my longest, toughest, outrigger race ever:

    –My teammates were amazing! We had a coed crew of 6 girls and 3 guys. We sync-ed together far better than we’d expected, with everyone’s timing being excellent. I paddled the race rather than steering. It was a huge change for me to slip into a different role, but I wanted to just paddle hard and not have to think (so much of steering is in your head), which ended up working well.

    –I flubbed one seat change (where you’re dropped into the water by the support boat and then ‘leap’ into the canoe to fill the seat of someone who jumps out just seconds before). It was near the end of the race and I was exhausted, not to mention that the bruising on my leg under my knee was so gnarly that I couldn’t keep using it as a fulcrum point (typically, you hook one leg over the side to help get you in). Next time, I will be stronger & more ready. :)

    –My novice coach’s canoe was close to ours for much of the race (she was racing with a Masters Womens team). Everytime she passed by in the chase boat I felt such a thrill. This journey that we started together in February–back when I thought getting to the PCH bridge was an accomplishment (that’s like 1/4 mi of paddling)–I can’t believe how far I’ve come in these past few months!

    –The day was overcast–a thick marine layer–and temps were in the mid-70s. The ocean water was in the mid-70s, too. It felt so remarkable to be out there in that huge expanse of blue. Each time I was rotated out of the canoe and had to swim back to the support boat I would ask for a bit of extra time to swim and float. It felt so good to my aching muscles and just felt cosmically right to be carried by the swells.

    –The island wasn’t visible until the last 8 miles, when the edge of the cliff started appearing out of the mist. It was ethereal–the stuff of fairy-tales. I won’t forget the beauty of that. Ever. By that point I didn’t care what our place was in the race anymore, I just wanted to get there!

    –After we landed and retrieved our belongings, I realized that I needed some help figuring out how to make my connections–to get into Avalon and to get to the airport that sits up on a high cliff in the center of the island. A teammate flagged down a nice guy driving a golf cart and he ever-so-willingly gave me a lift to town (it was one of those moments where the kindness of strangers absolutely bowls me over). Then I got to the shuttle stop and had about 30 min to change into dry clothes and find some food (both relatively easily accomplished and I should also say how grateful I am for the extremely large & clean disabled bathroom stall that I found. I had to completely remove my beach leg to dump the inches of ocean water that I was carrying in my socket. And there’s nothing nicer than having a nice space with grab bars for accomplishing the relatively complicated task of peeling off layers of wet clothes, removing pegleg, and then putting everything back on again!)

    –As I’d been told, the ride up to airport was as precarious as one could imagine–a one lane road climbing high. We saw the island bison, survived some hairpin turns with oncoming vehicles, and every minute I kept looking out at the big blue ocean and knew that I’d just paddled that. What an amazing feeling!

    –Originally I’d planned to ride the ferry home from the race, but Laura & Graham told me that they’d love to pick me up by plane(!). I’ve never been in a plane that small, but how could I turn down such an offer(!). Even though the clouds were rolling in in a rather dramatic way by the time they landed, all went well (Graham’s landing skills are excellent, I must say!). And, the views!! Laura let me borrow her digital camera during the flight so hopefully I’ll be sharing a bit of that with you soon!

    –Flying in over the coast of California I saw various harbors & bays–from Marina del Rey, on down. It felt so satisfying to reflect on the races that’ve taken me all up and down the coast this past year.

    —People. I did it. Or rather, we did it. Thank you to everyone who has aided, supported and been patient with me this past year. For teammates who’ve been so willing to jump into my boat, for the prosthetists who crafted my extra-special beach leg, for coaches who challenged me to work harder each practice, to friends who listened to me yammer on about paddling, and to Sharine for introducing me to the world of the outrigger(!). But most especially to John, who is right now cooking up a protein-heavy omelet breakfast for his uber-achy pilgrimgirl.

    PS: As for the ginormous bruise behind my knee…I am naming her Catalina :)

  • from blossoms (and peaches)

    peach blossom

    from blossoms

    from blossoms comes
    this brown paper bag of peaches
    we bought from the joy
    at the bend in the road where we turned toward
    signs painted peaches.

    from laden boughs, from hands,
    from sweet fellowship in the bins,
    comes nectar at the roadside, succulent
    peaches we devour, dusty skin and all,
    comes the familiar dust of summer, dust we eat.

    o, to take what we love inside,
    to carry within us an orchard, to eat
    not only the skin, but the shade,
    not only the sugar, but the days, to hold
    the fruit in our hands, adore it, then bite into
    the round jubilance of peach.

    there are days we live
    as if death were nowhere
    in the background; from joy
    to joy to joy, from wing to wing,
    from blossom to blossom to
    impossible blossom, to sweet impossible blossom.

    ~li-young lee

    (h/t to vintagedramas for the poem)

    My peach tree is chock-full of hard green knobs right now. And as I do every year around this time, I am dreaming of peaches

  • My BIG Birthday Wish!

    I’ve decided that this year what I really want most for my birthday is for each of you who are able, to make a donation to my favorite charity, HandReach. One reason I care so much about HandReach is that they provide medical services, most specifically prosthetic limbs, to children in China. I want to give the gift of mobility to these young amputees–because I know all-too-personally just how much easier life can be with a good-fitting prosthesis!

    My friend Brecken of HandReach sent me the following message after learning of my plan to solicit donations:

    Jana, you rock!!! I was offline all day today, only to log in and find a bunch of lovely donations from your friends. Now I feel like it’s HandReach’s birthday, too! :)

    I’d like to designate this money to a special cause. We’re going to be providing prostheses this summer for a 12-year-old girl who lost both legs in the Sichuan earthquake last year. We just learned this morning that there was a fire in her temporary camp overnight, and her house and first set of prostheses burned. We’re planning to get her a set of even better prostheses, and plenty of excellent rehab. Her name is Huang Meihua (pronounced “Hwahng May-hwa”), and you can see her photos here [note: link fixed!]

    Happy, happy, happy birthday, Jana! I can’t thank you enough for thinking of HandReach! You are giving the gift that will truly keep on giving….

    For those of you who would like to join in my birthday wish, you can donate directly via this page. And do feel free to pass the link forward to anyone outside of this blog’s sphere who might also want to contribute to this worthy cause.

    And for those of you who have already donated…your generosity amazes me. Thank you so much for making my birthday the best one ever!

  • more adventuring….


    Coffee Shop, originally uploaded by Makiko.Y.

    I learned that this little shop above, Temple Coffee, used to be a bookstore. I’m thinking that’s one reason it has such groovy karma. So far I’ve started every morning in Sacramento in this spot: free wi-fi, delicious fruity scones, and hearts on my latte.

    Now just wishin’ the books were still here, too :)

    Yesterday I tried my hardest to convince John that this town was worth a family visit. Oh, how he resists. So now I’m asking myself: is this a particularly charming place or is it just me??

    Some notes on other recent adventures here: eating lunch in the Secretary of State dining room. Button-down shirts were the de-facto uniform and the menu was sorta ‘meh,’ but I met the most dynamic line-cook ever (damn it’s fun to meet someone who’s truly passionate about their job) and he did fabulous work with my veggie burger.

    I walked a few blocks out of my way to find the closest used bookshop. Loved meeting Raffles, the resident kitty (and she tolerated me). Loved that they had a “Happy Hour” 10% discount, loved that some of the books I bought were only $1, loved meeting a young art teacher buying a stack of threadbare hardbacks for altered books, loved walking past the fortune cookie baker (oh, what a smell!) on the way. Why (oh why) doesn’t OC have a decent bookstore–esp a used bookstore? (Acres of Books, I miss you, too). I need such spaces to feel alive.

    Last night I sat in the parlor of the old home where I’m staying, working on my conference talk for tomorrow(!). To try to avoid the skeeters I opened the windows wide for the evening breezes (rather than sitting on the veranda) and was charmed that I could still hear the sax player practicing nearby, well into the wee hours of the night.

    For those of you who might find yourself in Sacto anytime soon, some pertinent links:
    Sacramento Hostel
    Beers Books
    Temple Coffee
    Pyramid Alehouse

    PS: To the dissertation gods that have arranged for me to have the funding necessary for such adventures while I’m working in archival repositories. Thank you!

    Note: trip pics to come soon–I’m using my ASUS laptop while traveling and I can’t get it to read the SD card from my camera–any advice on how to fix this??

  • I said yes…


    butterfly on heliotrope, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

    Today I said Yes to waking up curled up against John and hitting the snooze button over and over…and a homemade orange-cranberry scone and fresh strawberries.

    I said Yes to jumping on the trampoline for my morning exercise and to giving the kitties their morning hugs. I said Yes to opening the curtains wide to let the morning sun inside, to wearing bright pink, to Rachmaninoff, and to giving myself this day to immerse myself in my research.

    What are you saying Yes to today?

  • steering my boat


    outrigger, originally uploaded by chotda.

    Awhile ago I told a friend that my dream life would include paddling on the ocean every morning. It’s part of that fantasy-dream life that includes that two-room cottage in a hippie beach city, that we’ll buy after I’ve sold a few bestseller books or hit paydirt in some other manner. I remember as I told my friend this, thinking of all the logistical hurdles that kept me from paddling: a boat, the skills, the time, etc.

    So it really was cooler-than-cool when a new friend invited me along to go outrigger canoeing on Newport’s Back Bay a few months ago. And it was hardly any wonder that when she told me about her paddling team that I was eager to try it out. So fast forward a few months–I’ve joined the “novice” women’s team and I’m having a blast learning how to paddle.

    The irony of this wasn’t entirely evident until attended my first novice practice. Because we’re just learning the ropes, us newbies are practicing on Sunday mornings and not with the regular team yet. We push off from the beach at about 9 and return around noon. It’s three hours of various drills, sprints, and pointed advice on technique. We switch positions in the boat because each seat has different responsibilities. And most of all, we’re building up our endurance because the races are miles long and we’ve barely just gotten the feel of paddling through the waves (most of our practices are still held in the harbor as we toodle around Lido or Balboa islands).

    What didn’t dawn on my until the first practice, was that the beach where we launch…it’s just across the street from the LDS Chapel where I first met John, where we held our wedding reception, where our son was blessed, where I taught early-morning seminary, where I worshiped for most of my adult life. And as I turn right to the beach, all those SUVs turning left are my LDS friends who are pulling into their Sunday meetings.

    This really gave me pause on the first morning of practice. I reflected on how much I’ve changed in the past five years, how when I was even a lukewarm Mormon I never would have considered joining a sport team with practices on a Sunday morning, because of injunctions about keeping the Sabbath holy and because of my obligations to my ward.

    This week my coach announced that she was teaching me how to steer the boat. The steerer sits in the back of the boat and is basically in charge of keeping the other team members on track–most literally because the steerer sets the course for the entire boat because they are the boat’s rudder. Using special strokes to keep the craft going in the appropriate direction, the steerer also calls the ‘start’ of the paddling and watches to make sure the other paddlers are in sync. My coach, during the time I was training gave me tips on how to keep a team together, how to help the boat move successfully toward a destination. I was amazed by the trust my teammates had in me, because the canoes are precarious and the ocean current is strong. A slight miscalculation on my part would result in all of us landing in frigid water, which was especially undesirable given the chilly winter temps on Sunday (and we all saw another team with a seasoned steersman tip a boatload into the bay last week, so we were well aware of the risks).

    So we zig-zgged around the channel a bit until I figured out how not to ‘overshoot’ with my steering strokes. My boatmates were calm and never expressed concern about my efforts. As we pulled into shore and finished cleaning the canoe, my coach told the other team members (who were in other boats) of my success at steering and they congratulated me on my efforts–a few even offering applause. It was a kind and rather unnecessarily embarrassing gesture, but I loved how it made me feel part of the team.

    As I drove away from the beach area and passed the LDS chapel I thought a lot about the way I used to feel a part of the Mormon team. I felt a thrill every time I entered that building and felt its echoes of memories and special occasions. It will never cease being a holy place for me. But when I get out of the canoe and feel the bone-deep satisfaction of having paddled hard, having felt the thrill of being on the open ocean and the rhythm of the waves, of seeing dolphins playing in the surf, of having dry lips and chapped cheeks from hours facing into the sea wind…I can’t help but feel joy that I’m steering my own boat these days. I don’t have the surety of the ‘final destination’ that I used to when I spent my Sundays on the other side of the street, but I’m okay with that. The open water offers me more now. And I’m up for the challenge.

    Picture above not mine, but is of the same kind of canoe that I paddle in with my team.

  • Lucky

    We’ll have three Friday the 13ths this year. I’ve never found them to be particularly unlucky days (how ’bout you?). John started a twitter thread to record 13 Lucky Things for today and I’m playing along. Here are my tweets:

    Lucky Friday #1: found fav cashmere sweater immediately upon opening drawer in sleepy fog of awaking and realizing ‘must-now-drive-carpool’

    Lucky Friday #2: Flan. In fridge. And I have a spoon.

    Lucky Friday #3: calendar page: empty. (though ‘to-do’ list is plenty long)

    Lucky Friday #4: New silver hoop earrings, tinkling lightly as I walk

    Lucky Friday #5: Three gigantic farm-fresh tomatoes broiled in the oven. And I have a fork.

    Lucky Friday #6: My podcast intro song, “I Fell Off My Name,” randomly playing on my iPod mix while I’m exercising

    Lucky Friday #7 & 8: Rain outside while I’m cozy inside. Wearing socks handknit by Mom.

    Lucky Friday #9: some fav lyrics–“Oh hold me like a baby that will not fall asleep.Curl me up inside you and let me hear you feel the heat”

    Lucky Friday #10: Finishing up with book that’s been recalled by the univ library. Will put me in good graces with ILL again.

    Lucky Friday #11: Finished reading _Oryx & Crake_ last night so I get to start a new novel tonite. Which one will it be?

    Lucky Friday #12: cornbread w/bean stew for dinner. Daughter asks “is there anything that doesn’t taste better with cornbread?”

  • creature of habit

    xmas
    Back in 1990 or so I wore this dress when I was a bridesmaid in a friend’s wedding. I liked the dress and thought the fit was flattering. I’ve also always been a sucker for plaid taffeta (my fav dress as a young girl was red plaid taffeta).

    Well this pic was taken in 2000, when I was still wearing this dress at least once/yr. Recently I put together some FaceBook pics of numerous formal dates on which I wore this same dress. I was pretty surprised–I hadn’t realized just how much I’d liked it until I thumbed through all those old pictures!
    With Ryan
    With Todd
    With Aaron
    At Steph’s wedding

    So now I wonder how weird it is that I’ve worn this same dress for so many events? I tend to have a fairly small wardrobe of clothes that I really love. I’m not the kind of gal that gets a new dress for every occasion.

    How about you? Do you have some favorite clothes that you’ve worn repeatedly through the years?