Category: deep thoughts

  • avoidance

    I realized something about myself recently. When I’m hurt by someone or something I tend to go into avoidance mode. As an example, one time someone humiliated me while we were playing charades. I haven’t been able to do a charade since then (although I will support others who want to play) and for many years I lost interest in party games of any kind. The same thing goes for an incident with some photos that someone took that really hurt my feelings. It took about five years for me to pick up a camera after that and I still have some resistance to taking pictures of people for that same reason.

    My inability to participate in Mormon services is certainly part of wanting to avoid situations that cause hurt. I feel a bit like a lab rat running in a maze who once I’ve been shocked a few times in a particular lane, learns not to return there again.

    I don’t think this is an entirely healthy safety mechanism. I think I need to learn better how to face the things that have caused hurt. I can’t always just run the other way.

  • that v-word


    blue flower, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

    The last few months have been really kick-ass cool and productive for me. I’ve made lots of progress on my dissertation research, I’ve spent some super high-quality time with friends, I’ve approached many adventures with a new-found sense of confidence. And most of all, I have been healthy!

    So it’s rather odd to me that when I returned home this afternoon I felt a bit off…as if there is a small fissure in the bright aura that surrounds me. As I sat here trying to pinpoint that feeling, I think it’s the return of vulnerability. Since I’ve been healing from my surgery and getting stronger I’ve thought I could take on the world (and I have, in so many ways). But now I’m coming down a bit off that “high” and as real life resumes, it’s as if I am starting to feel things more deeply again. By nature I am a contemplative person, and I feel the sorrows of the world almost too potently sometimes. And in this moment, as vulnerability settles in on my shoulder, I’m realizing that for months I’ve been in the mode of doing “what has to be done” and maybe now I’m ready for a some gentleness. To allow myself to cry and to need. And to realize that I don’t always have to be so strong.

  • go confidently


    pale pink rose, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

    Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you’ve imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.

    ~Henry David Thoreau

    Life can be so complex, so maniacally wearying. Every once in awhile it’s such a joy to step back from the maddening crowd for awhile and pursue one’s dreams and imaginings.

    As I type this my heart is full of gratitude. For friends, for family, for this beautiful quiet late-night moment that I’m curled up on my couch with a silky kitty at my side, contemplating Thoreau. Remembering the first time I read his words, more than 20 years ago, and knew that they were true.

  • have you ever….

    While working this morning, this song came up on Pandora and I just loved it. I thought you might want to take a listen, too. I love how Carlile captures the magic & wonder of strolling through nature–perfectly appropriate for my pilgrim soul.


    Have you Ever?
    Have you ever wandered lonely through the woods?
    And everything there feels just as it should
    You’re part of the life there
    You’re part of something good
    If you’ve ever wandered lonely through the woods
    if you’ve ever wandered lonlely through the woods

    Have you ever stared into a starry sky?
    Lying on your back you’re asking why
    What’s the purpose I wonder who am I
    If you’ve ever stared into a starry sky
    Have you ever stared into a starry sky

    Have you ever been out walking in the snow?
    Tried to get back to where you were before
    You always end up not knowing where to go
    If you’ve ever been out walking in the snow
    If you’d ever been out walking you would know.

  • what your home says…


    the pinwheels, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

    I love the bright colors in this photo–the seeming randomness of pinks and yellows and the uneven crinkly petals.

    My friend SarahK and I were chatting last night about how you can tell whether someone is liberal or conservative simply through their taste and the orderliness (or not) of their homes. Turns out that there’s even some scientific backing for those ideas (hat tip to John for the link).

    I’m guessing that my house–with its purple overstuffed chairs, scented candles, bright-colored persian rugs, three cats, funky music, arty photos, and BOOKS–says much about my proclivities (and we won’t even mention the amazing spider web in the kitchen nook that I am loathe to destroy). So much so that visitors here probably don’t even need to ask which way I vote. :)

    What does your house say about you? Is there something about your house that you’d like to change so it could better reflect your values and personality?

  • open to growth


    soft and pretty, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

    “I do not think that I will ever reach a stage when I will say, ‘This is what I believe. Finished.’ What I believe is alive … and open to growth.”
    ~Madeleine L’Engle

  • where do we go from here?*

    We’ve been driving around with a pro-gay marriage bumper sticker on our car for years. Sometimes we get angry honks about it and sometimes a thumbs-up from fellow drivers. When we put that sticker on our car, we had no idea that gay marriage was even a possibility in California anytime soon. It just seemed important to let our views be known as widely as possible.

    So today I am disappointed in the success of Prop 8, even as I am simultaneously thrilled that the margin of its passing was so close that this is sure to never happen again in California–the next time gay marriage is on the ballot, it will succeed. The bigotry is dying even as the rising generation realizes that gay marriage is a natural extension of civil rights.

    Of course what is most disappointing is the LDS church‘s involvement in the fight. This is the face of bigotry. As much as I love my Mormon heritage, I feel morally repelled by all of the hate and anti-gay fervor that’s been spewn by LDS activists. And I feel both pleased and relieved to say that I did not raise my hand to sustain the current leadership of the LDS church.

    The upshot: I will not stop fighting for equal marriage rights. Yes, we’ve had a major setback in California today, but the battle is far from over. And we will win.

    This union may never be perfect, but generation after generation has shown that it can always be perfected. And today, whenever I find myself feeling doubtful or cynical about this possibility, what gives me the most hope is the next generation–the young people whose attitudes and beliefs and openness to change have already made history in this election.
    ~Pres-Elect Obama


    As we celebrated the presidential election last night with friends, we made some predictions about how many years it would be before we have a female president, an Asian president, a gay president, a Chicano/Latino president, or an atheist president. We predicted that we’d see at least two of those within the next 20 years. What do you think?

    *Caroline chose this same phrase to title her post on Prop 8. If you’re interested in LDS activism, you might want to take a look.

  • I don’t understand

    While riding the train through Los Angeles I get views of neighborhoods not seen from the freeway. The numbers of abandoned buildings are shocking to me–it’s hard for me to understand why, in a town with such exorbitantly high real estate prices, there are these large abandoned structures.

    It’s what I thought about as a I read through this photo essay at Sweet Juniper about an abandoned historic school in Detroit. It opened my eyes to a major challenge facing anyone who aims to rehabilitate urban buildings–I had no idea that scrapping was so rampant and so destructive. And I wonder why urban blight isn’t being addressed by any of the political candidates (at least not that I’ve heard)?

  • doing the dishes

    When I was at my sickest with my cancer treatments, I spent a lot of time just sitting on the couch watching my Mom do her daily work. It was the first time in my life that I realized how many hours she invested in keeping our home running smoothly. Specifically, I was shocked at how many times each day I watched her load and unload the dishwasher. What a singularly boring and repetitive task. I realized that she had no fondness for washing dishes but yet I saw her doing this same task constantly, with other family members rarely joining in.

    After awhile I remember wishing that I could help her. It became a goal of mine to someday become strong enough that I could help my Mom with those awful dishes.

    Of course, by the time I felt well again, I was preoccupied with my own dramas and I didn’t lend a hand with the dishes nearly as often as I should have. But now when I have tasks in front of me–like dishwashing or other mundanities at work, school, etc., I often think of those many times that I watched Mom loading and unloading those dishes. And sometimes that helps me to remember that life is a lot about washing the dishes–those tasks that one doesn’t particularly like, but that need to be done on a regular basis anyways. And hopefully the dishwashing is sometimes made just a bit easier by the great dinner parties that come beforehand. Or by having some friends join in the work.
    :)

  • disloyal to the daily round

    rose at the H

    I’ve been wanting to read the writings of Pico Ayer for quite some time–I have friends who gush about his travel writing. And I am now a fan, too, since I’ve read and re-read his “Room with a View” article from the Nov/Dec “Yoga + Joyful Living” magazine. In this piece he speaks of the joy of silent meditation during his regular pilgrimages to a California monastery, but as he says, “I wouldn’t call this a pilgrimage because I’m not off to find myself, only to lose myself.” He continues:

    …here in the monastery I’m committing a deeper infidelity, against the life I know and the values by which we are supposed to live. I am being disloyal in the deepest way to the assumptions of the daily round, and daring to lay claim to a mystery at the heart of me…this is who I am when nobody is looking. This is who I’m not, because the petty, struggling, ambitious “I” is gone. I am as still, as timeless as the plate of sea below me.
    …everyone knows moments she has a deeper, purer self within, something that belongs to what stands out of time and space, and…the very beauty of it, is that it admits us into the realm of what cannot be said.”

    In the past few years I have been schooling myself in the beauty of silence. I cherish those moments when I can connect to the deep core of Truth that’s inside of me through removing myself from the complications of language. I know others find this Truth in myriad ways, but it’s nice to hear a fellow pilgrim express the thoughts of my heart so very well.

  • it’s about time….

    I know it’s been awhile since I updated the blog…but I’ve just been too busy doing and not having much time for writing/reflecting (at least not on my personal life).

    But just so you know, all is well ’round here: the trip to Boston exceeded all of my expectations, the dissertation is progressing well, I polished off an article for an academic publication a few days ago, I’ll be leading a Humanities-based technology workshop next week, the cats are all falling into a cozy-happy routine, SoCal is experiencing a wickedly hot late-summer spell, and my leg is looking nearly normal.

    Oh, and John made a super tasty sticky toffee pudding a few days ago (lucky us!).

    Whew…

    :)

  • My Daybook

    My Daybook, an idea from the Simple Woman via the High Desert:

    I am wearing a soft faded tank, undies and nothing else just yet (I’ll pull a skirt on momentarily, I suppose).

    I am reading several books right now, but all went on hold over the weekend as I finished grading a slew of summer school term papers. Grading now completed, I will be returning to my books!

    I am hearing construction noises–there are 1500 new apartments being built across the street (sigh). Also, a cricket that’s determinedly chirping in the front hall closet and has so far eluded the bug-eating kitties in our home.

    Learning all the time about how to balance my work with that of the other members of the household, even as I support friends and am gentle with my body during my continued healing. It’s a lot to do!

    I am thankful that I received an ever-so-kind reply from my query to Friendly Crossways about staying there during part of my time in Massachusetts (a Quaker farm–what could be a better spot for me?). Also, thankful for the many Boston-based friends that I’ll soon be seeing (yay!!)

    I am hoping that all will go well this afternoon when I see my doctor about my leg. Keeping fingers crossed that she will agree that I am improving. Also, hoping that CatGirl’s fever will break soon.

    From the kitchen this morning came steel-cut oats a la John (yum) with milk and a squirt of agave nectar, they are a perfect morning treat. (There are also fruit flies coming from the kitchen, but we won’t talk ’bout that…)

    I am creating peace by breathing deeply and facing fear. That, and also parenting the two most amazing teenagers on the planet. Seriously. I am so pleased that I am not going at this alone–my kids have fab role models and teachers to mentor them along their way.

    Bringing beauty to my home with the two vases of cut roses on my kitchen table. My “Mon Cheri” rose is favoring me with the most gorgeous pink-to-red blossoms and “Vavoom” is a peachy ruffled delight. Because I’m fighting this cold/flu, my kids cut the roses for me when they watered the garden this weekend. My family is always so willing to “bring the garden to me” when I am too weary to go there myself.

    Around the house, we are reeling just a bit from the back-to-school schedule. It’s going to take awhile for the new rhythms to settle in.

    Outside my window it looks like it will be a brighter day than the weekend, when it was mostly overcast (oh, my garden has been so confused by this weird August/September weather). The spiders have nearly taken over my back porch in the past few weeks. Perhaps today (or later this week) I will clean out some of the cobwebs. {I am hoping that no one besides the spiders is outside my window is looking in, given my current state of disrobedness)

    I am thinking about my Quaker community. I missed Meeting yesterday due to the flu that CatGirl and I are enduring. I’m currently sitting on several committees and not always finding time to be proactive in my efforts as the Clerk of the Peace & Social Concerns committee. Hoping to do better with that in the future.

    One of my favorite things is that John is back to focusing on finishing his Master’s thesis. I love his topic and know that he will do a fine job with it.

    A few plans for the rest of the week…I have numerous medical appointments this week (everything from an MRI to dental work to alterations on my prosthesis). Also, I’ll be continuing my commute to the Huntington on three of the weekdays. I am excited for what’s ahead on the calendar and am just hoping hoping hoping that I can move through the days with confidence and strength.

    I would love to take a peek at your daybook. Drop a link in the comments if you play along!