Author: Jana

  • window


    rose in the windowsill (in a wee blue vase), originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

    My kitchen windowsill is so cheery–this rose is such a bright neon red-orange that it almost hurts my eyes (the colors in the pic don’t do justice to its brilliance).

    I love having beauty gracing my view of the outside world.

    This quotation sums up how I am feeling today..

    “Both abundance and lack exist simultaneously in our lives, as parallel realities. It is always our conscious choice which secret garden we will tend… when we choose not to focus on what is missing from our lives but are grateful for the abundance that’s present: love, health, family, friends, work, the joys of nature and personal pursuits that bring us pleasure, the wasteland of illusion falls away and we experience Heaven on earth.”
    ~Sarah Ban Breathnach

    PS: I’m currently planning some travel to Boston, Cape Cod and New Haven. If you’re in that area and would like to meetup, or if you have a recommendation for a must-see place or tearoom, let me know! :)

  • from the air


    Albuquerque, by air, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

    I rarely take pics while flying, simply because it’s mostly clouds out there anyways. But how different the trip to and from Albuquerque was–hardly a cloud in the sky all the way. I loved the textures and colors of the desert, even as I marveled at the strength of the people who live in such an arid environment.

  • I might…


    mon cheri, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

    I might have to stop keeping a bouquet of roses on the table in my living room. Because everytime I walk past this one, I melt into it.

  • why I am missing out on all the fun this year

    The Sunstone Symposium is an event that I look forward to every year. It’s a chance to re-connect with old friends and to make new ones. I chat, discuss, explore, debate, and generally find myself completely intellectually stimulated. Last year, for example, I practically moved mountains to be there–flying across the West just days after my surgery to make a 3-hour appearance. I was in horrible pain, but it was so worth it. I needed to be buoyed by the love of my brothers and sisters after all that I’d been through.

    This year, however, I’ve long planned to attend and when it came down to finalizing my plans I realized that it just wasn’t going to work out–for so many reasons. A few of them:

    –My lingering cough (going on week #4) now is only slowly abating. The dry desert air of Albuquerque exacerbated it so much that I had difficulty even giving my paper last weekend. I am not at all excited about traveling across and to another desert climate so soon again. I fear it would prolong my healing by weeks.

    –The damn economy: John’s hefty paycut, my canceled summer school class, and the still-looming fear of John’s position being nixed altogether as UCI implements its huge budget cuts. Also, the reality that my department no longer has any funding for me and no one’s hiring History professors. We had friends (bless you!) willing to help with our travel costs/accommodations, but the crux of the matter is that the cost of being away for the weekend was too high for us, right now.*

    –We need some family time. When we go to Sunstone the kids are either stuck hanging out at the back of conference sessions or they stay 90 miles away in Cache Valley with extended family. CatGirl and GameBoy are growing up so fast, we hate to keep using our vacation time for activities that aren’t centered around them. We’ve been doing a few local ‘stay-cation’ type activities this summer and intend to continue this until school resumes, rather than taking a longer trip that will exclude them.

    There are other reasons, too, having to do with my overall inability to balance everything in my life right now. I feel the need to simplify some of my commitments. I realize that just trying to be a PhD student and a parent/spouse takes nearly all of my time. Adding in teaching and exercise and gardening and housekeeping between the gaps and nearly every moment of every day is packed. I’m not complaining, I’m just saying that sometimes I have to make choices and let things go. This is one of those times. I will miss my friends desperately this weekend and I am so so sorry to not be there in person to speak on my panel. However, my thoughts will be read by someone else & I’ll also be posting my talk here on the blog. So anyone else who’s had to make similarly tough choices about Sunstone, can participate vicariously here along with me.

    *I should add: we are doing fine economically due to our typically-frugal ways–we’re just erring on the side of caution right now, e.g. wanting our car to last a few more years, avoiding large purchases, etc. Vacations for a family of 4 are pretty expensive, even when you have friends to stay with, a vehicle to borrow, or folks sharing their food. :)

  • on swimming, by moonlight


    Moon Hiding, originally uploaded by vajra.

    During my recent trip to Albuquerque I took very few pictures. I think I needed to just experience the trip rather than document it visually. So here are a few verbal ‘snapshots’ of my travels to share with you:

    –Desert rain as I arrived in town. The shuttle driver telling me that I should have brought an umbrella. The smell of the wet hot breeze wafting across adobe plazas.

    –Swimming by moonlight in a courtyard pool (this very moon that vajra captured in her photo), after sweet-talking a security guard into letting me (& friends) stay past closing time. Then the tolling of bells ringing out over the city, marking the late hour.

    –the characters of Albuquerque including the eccentric Ben Michael whose rustic restaurant and anti-corporate rants charmed me, the baker who admitted that he liked processed bread better than the flaky handmade pastries of his that I enjoyed, the waitress at Julia’s who was so hospitable that I couldn’t help but adore her quirky cafe (and oh, those watermelon napkins, the hot green chile sauce that liquified my sinuses and the honey & frybread that reminded me so much of mom’s sopapillas that I was a child again), and the random strangers, including the hardened-looking man smoking with his buddy who was so eager to give me directions thru Old Town.

    –agave tea at the KISS (Keep It Simple Stupid) cafe, that made my throat feel so much better

    –my colleagues: who are brilliant and witty. I loved sitting around the table & hearing about their research and their dreams for the future. There’s such comfort in knowing that I’m not alone in my passion for the past, and that there are others who share my quirkiness. I especially appreciated their tolerance for my complete lack of direction, so when I said “I think that cafe is somewhere over there,” they were willing to follow (and gently nudge me in the correct direction along the way).

    –the salty-looking shuttle driver as I left town, who had a PhD in Philosophy and who helped me remember that anyone might be so terrifically interesting and well-spoken that I need to be ‘present’ even at 5 am after a night of fitful sleep.

    PS: pic above taken by Vajra, who I met up with (in person!) while in Albuquerque. What fun it was to get a text message saying “I’m wearing a large blue hat and sitting in the plaza on the west side of the San Felipe church.” The wandering around that ensued as I asked locals “which way is west?,” “Where is the church?,” etc, was the best possible treasure hunt!

  • the girls!


    CC novice girls, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

    Another picture of my awesome teammates, taken at our Corporate Challenge fundraiser on Sunday.

    This was snapped just after I steered a boat that “huli’d” (or tipped over) in the Bay. Bet ya can’t tell that I’m soaking wet! And I do have to say that it felt good to get cooled off in the water. :)

    Also this is one of the few pics of our novice crew that includes our coach, Dora, who’s standing in the center wearing a lei of blue orchids.

  • choosing to rejoice


    rose, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

    “We can complain because rose bushes have thorns or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses”

    I loved this article about people who constantly complain while traveling. It reminded me of a recent train trip where we ended up being stranded on the tracks for an hour without power (read: no cafe service or A/C) while our crew helped another train that was having technical difficulties. In the end we ‘donated’ one of our engines to the other train, which then resulted in a further 30 min delay at Union Station while a replacement engine was coupled to our train.

    Most of the passengers spent the delay time complaining loudly into their cellphones and calling Amtrak to demand a refund for their ticket price. I wasn’t terribly pleased to be delayed, but I found it far less unpleasant than say, being gridlocked in LA traffic during the summer heat. I had plenty of reading material on hand and spent some time peeking over the seat at an adorable baby and her mother. Of course I’ve had my fair share of travel frustrations over the years. When the weariness hits, it’s so difficult to continue to be nice. I get that.

    But I have to say, that travel continues to amaze me. That I can fly, train, sail, or drive to so many amazing regions of the world. That I get to try new-to-me foods. That I get to people watch. That I get to smell and listen to and immerse myself in new places. It’s really one of my very favorite pastimes. And I think (though feel free to correct me)…you’ll hardly ever hear me complaining.

  • 365 days ago…


    my leg, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

    I keep trying to think of a way to express how I feel right now, and no matter what I say it just sounds a bit over-the-top sentimental…

    This time last year I was lying in a hospital bed, unable to even stand on my left leg. I was getting megadoses of any antibiotic that I could tolerate. My arms were riddled with IV holes & were raw and swollen from the endless effort to find good veins. I was feverish & exhausted. Vicodin was my constant companion. My friends were caring for my children as I was in the midst of a battle between several medical teams. I knew surgery was looming, the only question was exactly where and when. John was absolutely spent from the emotional and physical burdens placed on his shoulders.

    And then this year….while John and the kiddos were at ComiCon, I raced in the State Champs Sprints with my outrigger canoe team and graduated from a ‘novice’ paddler to a full-fledged member of the team. I thought nothing of strolling all around Old Town Santa Barbara with friends, my left leg now strong and sure, only a deep pink seam and an indentation along the muscle on the inside of my calf as evidence of last year’s trauma.

    Perhaps ironically, I am sick right now–fighting a nasty cough that’s left over from a bout with the flu last week. But it seems hardly anything to me in the larger scheme of things…

    Life has such a fascinating and sometimes awful way of keeping me on my toes (literally and figuratively!). As I went swimming with my family this morning and dove down deep into the blue water, moving strongly & surely with each stroke, I couldn’t help but be grateful for experiencing the contrast between health and sickness. Knowing both makes me appreciate just how precious and beautiful every moment is–getting me through the dark days and helping me to recognize the light for just how very precious it is.

    A favorite quotation of mine is “Quocunque Jeceris Stabit”* (you’ll occasionally see this phrase rotate through the various taglines that appear under my blogtitle). It’s the motto of the Isle of Man, the small UK nation of my maternal ancestors. Translated from the Manx it means “Whichever Way You Throw Me, I Shall Stand.” I think of that phrase often on my life’s journey. I’ve been thrown and pummeled. I’ve lost some pretty significant chunks of my self along the way. But I also like knowing that–even if takes awhile–I will eventually overcome and emerge even stronger than before.

    And thank you, friends, for all of your support and encouragement along this journey. There have been moments when I was carried by the love & goodwill from each of you. You are wonderful. :)

    *UPDATE: As several of my language-savvy readers have pointed out, the phrase is Latin rather than Manx (I’m sure even my Latin-speaking son could’ve told me this!!). Here’s some background on the phrase from wikipedia:

    For centuries, the island’s symbol has been its ancient triskelion, a device similar to Sicily’s Trinacria: three bent legs, each with a spur, joined at the thigh…

    The three legs refer to the island’s motto (adopted late in the symbol’s history): Quocunque Jeceris Stabit, traditionally translated from Latin as ‘Whithersoever you throw it, it will stand’, or ‘Whichever way you throw it, it will stand’.

    The origin of the ‘Three Legs of Man’ (as they are usually called) is explained in the Manx legend that Manannan repelled an invasion by transforming into the three legs and rolling down the hill and defeating the invaders.

  • off and on


    grandma’s flowers, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

    Being a scholar, an “academic,” allows me to meld my daily life into whatever I study. Even the most mundane of experiences can augment the way that I’m approaching a question or a problem that I’m seeing in my historical work. I see this as an asset, as an important skill that I bring to the table. However, it can also be a bit wearying. I feel the weight of the unfinished dissertation pulling me constantly. It’s always there in the back of my mind, even in my most carefree of moments.

    I tend to be very good at “turning off” the dissertation mind on weekends–meaning I can put my work behind me and just enjoy the family or the garden or some solitude. But on weekdays I’m not so good at it. There’s just always more I should be doing, or at least I feel that weighing into my decision-making.

    One reason I love being out on the water with my outrigger team is that when I’m handling the boat, I don’t have the mental space for the dissertation. It’s just ‘gone’ for those few hours. There’s a lightness and freedom in that. But as soon as I’m off the ocean, it’s there again.

    I’m not complaining. I love my life, I love being engaged in my work. I love graduate school–fiercely, even. But sometimes I wonder how the constant pull & tug of stress makes it difficult for me to enjoy the now and is a barrier to saying YES to today and this moment.

    For those of you who’ve taken a similar path, can you offer any advice?

  • this morning


    June 2009, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

    Went to the garden this morning, as is my usual routine, to greet the day. I said hello to the rosebushes, encouraged the fledgling cucumber plant, and gathered a large bunch of hibiscus blossoms for my table.

    The bees were out in full force and a lizard came out of hiding briefly. A bird preened itself in the rosemary bush and a junebug startled me just a bit as it clacked and hummed through the canes of the climbing rose. I nibbled on two ripe strawberries (so sweet!) and picked some fennel and chewed the stem (such flavor!).

    On my way to and from the garden I passed dozens of homes. Small apartment homes, full of life in the early morning. I heard the music, the vacuuming, the kitchen noises. I don’t know why, but living this way–so close to so many people–it enlivens me. I like the bustling community. I like smelling several different meals cooking, I feel comfort in hearing the cries of children as well as the hum of the lawnmower.

    While in my garden I picked a zucchini and some green onions and some marjoram. I’ll eat them for lunch in an omelet.

  • so tall & strong


    GameBoy’s getting strong., originally uploaded by mind on fire.

    GameBoy sits in the “engine room” of a coed team boat in this pic, providing the strength for the team. His favorite seat is #1, where he sets the pace for the boat–his training as a musician certainly helps him with this!

    Yesterday morning I spent about an hour repairing my old rocking chair–the seat had come loose, and it was in serious danger of completely falling apart. After tightening & replacing some screws, it was working quite well, so I called GameBoy in, took him on to my lap, and reminded him of the hours we used to spend rocking together–his favorite pastime in his toddler years. I even sang a few bars of one of the lullabyes that I composed just for him. He indulged his crazy Mom & curled up in my lap despite the fact that he’s just about as tall as I am these days. Back when he was a babe I could hardly imagine the day that he would be so grown up!

    I couldn’t be more proud of him & his sister. I am awed by their strength and beauty.

  • so tall & strong


    GameBoy’s getting strong., originally uploaded by mind on fire.

    GameBoy sits in the “engine room” of a coed team boat in this pic, providing the strength for the team. His favorite seat is #1, where he sets the pace for the boat–his training as a musician certainly helps him with this!

    Yesterday morning I spent about an hour repairing my old rocking chair–the seat had come loose, and it was in serious danger of completely falling apart. After tightening & replacing some screws, it was working quite well, so I called GameBoy in, took him on to my lap, and reminded him of the hours we used to spend rocking together–his favorite pastime in his toddler years. I even sang a few bars of one of the lullabyes that I composed just for him. He indulged his crazy Mom & curled up in my lap despite the fact that he’s just about as tall as I am these days. Back when he was a babe I could hardly imagine the day that he would be so grown up!

    I couldn’t be more proud of him & his sister. I am awed by their strength and beauty.