I was feeling sorta grumpy and dumpy this morning and then John started streaming some Regina Spektor tunes and it was like the sun started shining in my heart (which had nothing at all to do with the fact that it was 101 freakin’ degrees in our fine town today)….
Author: Jana
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off center
I don’t want to tell this story, really, but I will anyways.
On Wednesday afternoon I felt a strange burning on my left calf–in the area where my wound was from 10 days ago. Later that night after being on my feet for a few hours at some meetings, as I got undressed I realized that my lower leg was raw and swollen. I passed the night feverish and in increasing pain. By Thursday morning I realized that I needed to see a doctor, and soon.
It’s hard having just one leg, to have something go awry like this. Ambulation became nearly impossible, I couldn’t drive, I was getting increasingly scared about the hot red swelling spreading up my leg.
Long story short: I am on some antibiotics and I haven’t left the couch since returning home from the doctor. We are watching carefully for signs of further problems but so far all seems okay.
This incident has caused me to consider many things: the problems of antibiotic resistance, my vulnerability to infection, and my dependence on John & the kids. I find myself continuingly grateful for a spouse who keeps a job that he dislikes so I can have good health insurance.
But the overriding emotion for me, in all this, has been fear. I am scared of pain, of being bedridden, and of having my body be out of my control. Even as I write this there’s a big knot in my stomach. Because I remember another time when my leg was red and swollen and I started spending most of my days on the couch. Since then I don’t think there’s ever been a day that I have not felt afraid that it could happen again. To me. Or to one that I love.
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happy hippie earth day to you
“Very early, I knew that the only object in life was to grow.”
~Margaret FullerIf you went this morning to your favorite chi-chi Newport Beach nursery today to pick up a few plants for your garden and felt overwhelmed and grateful for the abundance (even as you smiled a bit inwardly at the perfectly coiffed ladies who didn’t look as though they dirtied their nails in their gardens very often), then went to your garden in the evening for planting, surprised that the scent of citrus blossoms was still in the air from your neighbor’s tree, then getting down on all fours to work the soil in the bed that will host the strawberries, then the peppers, then the eggplants, then planting your newest type of lavender and a shaggy bush of chamomile (it smells of afternoon tea already).
And if this is you, you were a bit overwhelmed by how much work still has yet to be done to get your garden all set for summer, but you realized that you don’t begrudge any of the time that it will take.
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BOOKS!
Will you be at the LA Times’ Festival of Books this weekend? If so, drop me a line in the comments and we’ll see if we can arrange a meetup!
:)
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which part is mine?
Today as I sat in silence, an old song was running through my mind. It’s a ballad by LDS songwriter Michael McLean and each verse portrays a stage of a women’s life and has her perplexed by her role in her various relationships–with friends, spouse, children and spiritual journey. The refrain asks “Which part is mine and which part is yours?”I thought about this song as I pondered my various relationships. I wondered, for example, about my children’s growing autonomy. At what point do I intervene and help them to solve their problems and when do I let them learn their own lessons? How much do I hover? When it is better to let them strike out on their own? How can I affirm my love without stifling them or breaking their will? And are there moments when I am too aloof, too absorbed in my own projects?
I thought about it in terms of my relationship with John. I considered the significant investment I have in him and how difficult it is for me when, like this last week, he is out of town. And I wonder what the best balance is between absorbing myself in him and pursuing my own goals & desires? I considered those moments when my being self-focused weakens our relationship. Yet I also think that, in many ways, I can only be a good partner when I have a strong self to offer. Which part is mine and which part is his, indeed?
This line of thought also has resonance with my involvement in the larger community of Friends. For the past two years I’ve mostly been a recipient–indulging in the efforts of others’ planning, sharing, and ministry. This has been a necessary time to nourish my wounded soul. Accepting the care of others has allowed me space and time for healing. I wonder, though, if it isn’t my turn to serve? As I sat in Meeting today and acknowledged each person in the circle I realized that I have much to give. I am no longer the girl in corner who is constantly on the verge of tears, who has no voice to speak in Meeting. Perhaps ironically, this brings to mind some words from my patriarchal blessing, an admonishment to “move with confidence because there are many who look to you as an example and who will receive encouragement from you through your example.” I am starting to feel that it is “my part” to become more active in the Meeting community. Perhaps it is time to return some of what I have received.
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I forget
Because some days I forget that I was ever 21 years old…
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you know it’s thrilling…
You know I love my peaches…so I am just thrilled by the blossoms covering my tree this season! :)
What is thrilling you right now?
Measure your health by your sympathy with morning and spring. If there is no response in you to the awakening of nature –if the prospect of an early morning walk does not banish sleep, if the warble of the first bluebird does not thrill you –know that the morning and spring of your life are past.
~Henry David Thoreau -
chillin’
I love the way this little cherub watches over the climbing rose in my garden (see the buds in the background? This rose is so covered with buds right now that there are hardly any leaves!).
Yesterday I overdid things a bit (can you say ‘waiting in line at the post office…on April 14th of all days!) and my leg was awfully swollen and red last night. So much so that I could hardly move.
Today, however, I’ve just been chillin’ on the couch or in my big comfy chair. I’ve run two brief and absolutely necessary errands, but the rest of this day will be spent with feet propped up on plump pillows.
I can already see that it’s making a difference–my wound is healing far more quickly now…
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lesson learned
Before you spend a lot of time working the garden this Spring, do me a favor and go get your tetanus booster (and while you’re at it, get that diptheria and pertussis stuff, too).
Because if you’re in the garden, working alone, and you happen to get a long piece of rusty metal embedded in your leg (the organic one, not the fake one), well you might have a bit less of a total freakout if you’ve had the shot.
And if you don’t, you might just end up spending the afternoon sitting in a germy, all-vinyl doctor’s office instead of being home with your leg propped up on comfy couch pillows, cold drink at your side.
Sigh. Lesson learned.
