Jana Remy
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Jana Remy

  • Writing
    • Disability
    • Making History
    • Digital Humanities
      • dayofDH
    • Canoeing
    • Creative Nonfiction & Essays
    • Feminism
    • Bibliographies
      • Pacific Worlds Bibliography
    • Social Media
      • Mentions/Links
  • Scholarship
    • Awards/Fellowships
    • Conferences & Invited Talks
    • Collaboration
    • Workshops
    • Conference Planning
    • Technical Skills
  • Teaching
    • Blogposts About Teaching
Daily Archives

March 9, 2008

intensity
Random

intensity


starflower, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

I rarely do things half-heartedly. I tend to be committed, intense, focused, passionate. When I attend church I sing the hymns with vim and vigor. I don’t sit in the back acting apathetic or embarrassed. I’m a front-row person.

Which may speak volumes for why I no longer regularly attend LDS services. Because if I can’t wholeheartedly participate, there seems little value in being there. At least for me. Those who knew me as a Mormon can attest to the fact that I was gung-ho and actively involved until I stopped attending. Even when I occasionally return to Mormon events, it is with some fervor–the shared vision of a service activity, the opportunity to support a friend, engaging in the academic study of Mormonism, etc. For me, I was either “drinking the Kool-Aid”, carrying the card, and wearing the garments or not. I saw no middle way of ‘sort of’ being active or ‘sometimes’ keeping the rules. I’m not saying that my way is right for everyone, but it’s just how I am…

However, with Quakerism I have purposefully cultivated a kind of detached involvement. I love worshiping in Meeting, relish time spent with Friends, and support my Quaker community in a wide variety of ways. But I haven’t stepped up to any position of responsibility. Not for lack of desire, but because I felt it important to, for a season, let myself not become too intense and dogmatic about my new faith community. I didn’t want to replace one type of dogma (LDS) with another that would be just as rigid. Rather, I wanted my Quaker participation to unfold more gradually, so that I could experience and test each facet of the tradition as I weighed my own adherence to its traditions and tenets.

This experiment has not been without some level of friction for me. At times I have felt guilty for not committing completely. At times I have felt that I’ve disappointed others. At times I have berated myself for not investing more, for not using more of my abilities to further Quakerism.

But on the other hand…as a Mormon I covenanted all of my time, talents, and resources to building God’s kingdom. I took that oath seriously and continually struggled with any failure to fully serve God and the church. As a Quaker I no longer hold to such binding oaths. I am more in the mode of taking each new day on its own terms. Of not sacrificing so much self at the expense of higher ideals. I focus more on individuals and less on institutional programs. I am still my intense self, but I have a variety of professional and personal outlets for my passions instead of directing them all towards a religion.

This may change over time. I may eventually find myself led to take a greater role in my Quaker community. But for now I enjoy spending more time focused on John and my children. More time in silence. More time writing and contemplating. More time laughing and even playing. I may, perhaps, be enjoying my life just too much–which seems a guilty pleasure, indeed.

But life is such a fleeting gift–it begs such enjoyment! I no longer have the expectation of eternal reward and glory. I only have today and now. And that means that my passion is invested in this moment. This one, right now. There will never be another one just the same, and I don’t want to let it pass me by unremarked or unspent.

March 9, 2008
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deep thoughts

I am already missing my hour of sleep and I’m not even asleep yet

sigh

March 9, 2008
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About Me

About Me

Hi there friend, and welcome to my blog. I started writing on the internet two decades ago. Since then I've started and finished a PhD program, left the Mormon church and became a Quaker, got divorced, remarried, found full-time work in academia, took up rock climbing and outrigger canoeing, and traveled across the globe (China! Belgium! Italy! Chicago! Montana! Portland! Gettysburg! and oh-so-many points in-between). This blog is eclectic and random--it has poetry and cooking and books. And cats. And flowers. And the ocean (my ocean). But in that sense it's a good reflection of me and my wide-ranging, far-reaching, magpie curiosity.

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