An interesting rumination by famous prison-reformer and Quaker Elizabeth Fry, who suggests that “The Mennonite, Dunkard, Shaker, Oneida Communist, Mormon and Quaker are all one people, varying only according to environment.”
Quaker
On Thursday during my casting appointment there was a group of four people involved in the process—two prosthetists and two interns—each taking a different role in wrapping my residual limb in a flexible fiberglass shell, then shaping that shell into a form that will both conform to my anatomy and will also best contain the tissue, muscle and bone as I walk. This is an intimate process, as the socket of my prosthetic leg interfaces with the major bones of the pelvic girdle—holding in the ischium and pressing against the ramus.
It is an odd feeling to have two male prosthetists shaping the casting material between my legs and around my hip. Realizing that they are interacting with the most personal spaces of my body. Knowing that it is their job and this is a necessary process for getting a good fitting socket. Me, trying to remain a bit aloof and distanced from the process, yet at the same time having such high hopes that they will get a good fit—that the socket will work well and not cause pain and the suppurating sores that I’ve suffered with for the past few years.
On Thursday evening I experienced a different form of intimacy. I gathered around the kitchen table of a Friend, holding hands with three Quaker women who agreed to serve on my Clearness Committee. We sat in silence, in prayer, until I felt moved to speak, to tell them of the turmoil in my heart in the process of leaving Mormonism. I spoke hesitantly, nervously. Their role was only to ask open-ended questions. Not to judge. Not to guide. After 90 minutes of speaking and silence, they mirrored what I had spoken back to me. They told me what they had heard me say. They discussed how my body language revealed the truths of my heart. Most of all, they shared their concern for the burdens that I am carrying.
Perhaps ironically, the Clearness Committee experience was far more discomfiting and intimate than the casting for my prosthesis. For I don’t readily share the thoughts of my heart. Yes, I do this daily blogging, but I speak primarily of mundanity here. I’ve only very hesitantly shared the steps of my spiritual journey with anyone. I suspect that most just can’t understand. Within the Mormon community I feel censure and distrust. I have few friends who can empathize with the loss of faith. Who can grieve with me through this process?
Outside of Mormonism, I am flummoxed by trying to explain what leaving the church means. That it is a complete change of worldview. Is it, perhaps, like having to relearn to walk?
There is a popular LDS song called “I Walk By Faith” that I sang often during my teen years. I identified with this song as a young Mormon who was developing faith in Christ and as an amputee, because each step involved trusting my prosthesis in hopes that it would support my weight. So now on my spiritual journey away from the LDS Church I am learning what it means to walk by uncertainty, to walk by doubt, to walk into completely unknown territory as my heart leads me onwards. Ironically, this seems the biggest leap of faith thus far.
A new reader left this comment on one of my posts recently [BTW, Hi Judy, glad to have you on board!]:
Just reading John’s Out of Mormonism blog. LOL, I guess you are both now techincally “inactive”. Anyway, I still think you’re strong. :)
Since John’s post about our recent choice to become Quakers, we’ve had quite a mixed reaction of responses: supportive visits, concerned phone calls, emails from priesthood leaders, and so forth. At some point, I will blog more about our current spiritual path, but in the meantime I thought I would address the question of how ‘active’ we are.
Ironically, even though I no longer seat myself in a Mormon chapel on Sundays, I would still call myself ‘active’ in the church. Why? Well, because I attend a weekly LDS Institute class (for those out there not familiar with Mormonspeak, Institute is a church-sponsored religion class). I am a permablogger on two high-traffic LDS blogs (Exponent II and SunstoneBlog). I subscribe to a church-sponsored LDS News service, I read from LDS scriptures, I ponder the temple covenants, many of my friends are LDS and our favorite conversation topics revolve around Mormonism, I sing Mormon hymns in the shower, most of the listservs that I participate in are Mormon-related, I am the Book Review Editor for a Mormon journal, and so forth.
Though I am adopting many of the attributes and practices of a Quaker, much of my spiritual and academic life still revolves around the LDS community. I suspect that it will continue to do so for quite some time. Perhaps indefinitely.
I know that my definition of ‘active’ probably doesn’t jibe with what many would consider ‘active’ (meaning, a believing card-carrying Mormon). But I’m hesitant to call myself ‘inactive’ in Mormonism. If anything, I feel as embedded in the church culture as ever.
-Sitting in silence in Quaker Meeting today. Feeling ebullient. Loving each person that I am sitting next to and that I greet after the meeting; not because they are perfect, but because they are human. Joy.
-Seeing my friend Rebecca yesterday for the first time in six months or so. CatGirl and GameBoy raking leaves at her house and jumping in the piles afterwards. And her gift of fuschia cuttings.
-A new blow dryer from a freecycle friend (after mine died last week).
-a nearly perfect egg salad w/tomato sandwich from John for lunch. Watching the kitties fight over my egg crumbs afterwards.
-a truly tasty pumpkin/yellow cake concoction that a friend shared with us after church. Whoa…loving that pumpkin pie season is upon us [note: IMO, life just doesn’t get much better than those days when one can have a cold slice of leftover pumpkin pie for breakfast]
This past month I’ve been praying, meditating, and studying about simplicity. My primary text has been Plain Living: A Quaker Path to Simplicity, though I have also used other texts about Simplicity, and have augmented my study with the Queries from my local Quaker Meeting (they are also focusing on the value of Simplicity this month).
For those who are interested, here are the queries [Note: ‘queries’ are questions that can guide your meditation and silent worship]:
“Life is meant to be lived from a Center, a divine Center—a life of unhurried peace and power. It is simple. It is serene. It takes no time, but it occupies all our time.” Thomas R Kelly, Testament of Devotion (1941, p.124)
“Simplicity, beauty, and happiness go together if they are a by-product of a concern for something more important than ourselves.” Elise Boulding, My Part in the Quaker Adventure
A life centered in God will be directed toward keeping communication with God open and unencumbered. Simplicity is best achieved through a right ordering of priorities: maintaining humility of spirit, avoiding self-indulgence, resisting the accumulation of unnecessary possessions, and avoiding over-busy lives.
Advice and Queries for all individuals:
Do I center my life in an awareness of God’s presence so that all things take their rightful place?
Do I live simply, and promote the right sharing of the world’s bounty?
Do I keep my life uncluttered with things and activities, avoiding commitments beyond my strength and light?
How do I maintain simplicity, moderation, and honesty in my speech, my manner of living, and my daily work?
Do I recognize when I have enough?
Below are the queries for Fifth Month from my local Quaker Meeting. I thought you might enjoy these questions. Those of you who are familiar with the Mo rhetoric about our ‘stewardship’ over the earth might particularly appreciate the way that considering our “right relationship with the earth” can change the way we think about our role in environmental issues.
It would go a long way to caution and
direct people in their use of the world,
that they were better studied and knowing
in the creation of it. For how could [they]
find the confidence to abuse it, while they
should see the Great Creator stare them
in the face, in all and every part thereof?
William Penn, 1693, in “Some Fruits
of Solitude”
God is revealed in all Creation. We humans belong to the whole interdependent community of life on earth. Rejoice in the beauty, complexity and mystery of creation, with gratitude to be part of its unfolding. Take time to learn how this community of life is organized and how it interacts. Live according to principles of right relationship and right action within this larger whole. Be aware of the influence humans have on the health and viability of life on earth. Call attention to what fosters or harms earth’s exquisite beauty, balances and interdependencies. Guided by Spirit, work to translate this understanding into ways of living that reflect our responsibility to one another, to the greater community of life, and to future generations.
Advice and Queries for all individuals:
In what ways do I express gratitude for the wondrous expressions of life on Earth?
Do I consider the damage I might do to the Earth’s vulnerable systems in choices I make of what I do, what I buy, and how I spend my time?
Advice and Queries for the meeting:
In our witness for the global environment, are we careful to consider justice and the wellbeing of the world’s poorest people?
Does our way of life threaten the viability of life on Earth?
Advice and Queries especially for children:
We are part of the community of life on earth and need to work to understand it.
How do I thank God for this world?
Did someone harm the earth so I could have what I want?
Do we understand that people in other parts of the world live differently and may see things differently than we do?
Does the way we live hurt or help the earth?
Just finished watching High Noon.
I’ve had it on my list of must-watch movies for quite some time. I figure I can’t really teach the History of the American West without watching a few Westerns.
All in all, it was a pretty good show. Gary Cooper was fine in the leading role, and though I didn’t like the fact that his Quaker bride had to shoot one of the baddies (why is it that the only way to stop people fom killing people is to kill them?), other than that it was a pretty good flick.
One puzzlement, though: How did all of those so-called cowboys ride horses with such tight pants on? One wonders that they didn’t split at the seams whenever they climbed up in the saddle…[though, I must admit that thinking about the too-tight pants problem kept me occupied as the minutes dragged on till noon…]