In 2011 I wrote a post about composing a post-divorce Christmas card. It has been one of the most-googled posts on my blog, which I suppose is because there are lots of people out there who have to figure out the right way to talk about divorce in their annual holiday card. It’s not really a happy topic like discussing the kids’ cello and flute concerts, or the vacation to Yellowstone.
Now as I look back on that post and remember that time of my life, when so much of what was happening was beyond my ability to spin into a positive newsy message for far-flung friends, I’m glad that I kept sending out messages most years, even when they were just a photo postcard with no explanation of why there was a different person at my side in front of the Xmas tree.
And that’s on my mind tonight because I just finally got word that my son will be able to come home for the holidays–he got the days off of work that he’d requested–Joy! That means both kids and Stijn and I will get to celebrate for the first time in our own home. That feels so huge and important, after years of putting up the tree in a different place nearly every year.
So I’m anticipating a lot of fun around our house once the kids arrive. I think I’m going to resuscitate the Astro-Veggie Christmas Tree tradition and also do gingerbread houses. It feels so important to bring back so many of the activities that used to be a part of our annual celebrations. And of course make a few new ones, too.
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This is me. Or, *has* been me for the last twenty-some years as my husband and I danced delicately around how we would deal (or didn’t, for that matter) the aftermath of his five year long affair (among other things).
Every year — He’s out of the house. He’s back home; He’s out. He’s in. He wants a divorce. I want a divorce. I couldn’t write anything that might lead someone to believe that our family was healthy, happy, and together. So, I stopped communicating via Christmas cards, hoping, praying that, eventually, we’d knit back together and I could send out cards that included all indications of a happy couple and their equally happy children.
After ten years, it was still unclear the direction our marriage would go — and the Christmas cards from friends had slowed to a trickle. I wrote a [Christmas] letter to those diehards and poured out my heart, explaining my appreciation for their love and continued persistence every December despite my lack of communication.
We never knitted back together. In fact, I think our divorce is now accepted as the longest on record in this county, since it’s still ongoing. (A trial date has been set for April.)
However, I was in the store a few weeks ago, saw several boxes of Christmas cards, and decided this year would be the year. I don’t think there’s anyone who doesn’t know my story. Well, with the exception of the many friends who I’ve met in the last several decades who never knew I was still married. I finally feel, with joy in my heart, I can write Merry Christmas to my friends. Because it will be.
A 10-year divorce sounds so draining, Stephanie. I’m so sorry to hear that this has been your experience. Getting some closure on that after so long sounds well-worth celebrating—with cards & with many other things. Sending warm holiday wishes to you…