Since being single I’ve felt a strong resistance to dating anyone with young children (young as in, still living at home). It’s not that I don’t like children (I do like them, very much), or it’s not that I have any prejudice about dating a parent per se, but my reticence seems to stem from a desire to maintain an identity for myself that’s separate from my role as a mother.* Perhaps it doesn’t make much sense as I try to articulate it here, and perhaps it sounds especially odd given that I’m a parent and anyone that I date has to accept that part of my life…But what I seem to crave now is to be defined by my own merits and not to be put into a situation again where I will be defined or restrained by a caregiving role.
Navigating romance and relationships in the middle-stage of life is tricky business and I certainly have my fair share of baggage from the past to make it more complicated. So I’m figuring all of this stuff out as I go along–proceeding with caution and listening as closely as I can to my various inclinations in the process. These matters aren’t entirely logical and there are few models to follow, so it feels like I have to depend on my own intuition as I move forward.
I’m curious if any of you have made similar decisions about dating and relationships? Do you have ‘rules’ that you follow (e.g. no kids) as you evaluate potential matches?
*FWIW, I’ve also not been interested in dating anyone LDS or formerly-LDS for the same reason. I’ve put my natal religion completely behind me now and I don’t want it to play any part in my future relationships.
2 comments
Interesting question! I find dating so fraught in general because of my particular little red wagon of baggage* that I don’t think I’ve managed to make rational, conscious decisions about the specifics. Yet.
I completely agree with you about children, and that is the one that I’ve put most thought into. I am emerging out of active, daily parenting as my children are going away on their own adventures and I am unwilling (selfishly) to go back to that role.
I think I’m still learning how to date as an adult and BE rational about it. That’s what happens when you marry at 19 I suppose – you don’t get to work out these things at an early age. It’s an interesting journey. Maybe the thing I need to figure out as a top priority is how to be courageous in dating?
*My joke is that I have so much baggage I need a little red wagon to haul it around in.
I think I’ve got the courageous part down…I’ve dated lots of different kinds of people since my marriage ended.* In general I’ve found it quite a fun adventure, although a few times it’s been a bit scary (trusting new-to-me strangers is hard and doesn’t always work as well as one would hope).
Perhaps part of my courageousness stemmed from just jumping in and doing it…I was dating within a few days of my split with my ex-husband. At the time I needed a diversion (and to have some fun), and dating seemed a good way to do that. I also had the feeling that if I waited too long, it would get harder to do (because my insecurities and anxieties would escalate in the meantime). So I just jumped right in. :)
*note: I’m in a relationship, so I’m not actively dating at the moment. :)