- Love thinking that my athletic abilities might outstrip those w/organic limbs, because of new technology: http://bit.ly/pbhOtU #mycyborglife #
- An #MLA12 workshop for getting started in the Digital Humanities: http://bit.ly/q5awRD #
- Last night I dreamed of peonies–big heavy pink ones with ruffled petals. Sort of like these: http://bit.ly/rcrDmG #
- The chancellor just passed me & my boxes of books in the parking lot & offered to help me move them to my office #ilovemyjob #ChapmanU :) #
- Getting started in the digital humanities: http://bit.ly/qIsT6h #
- I'm uncharacteristically happy on this Monday morning. Because there's such an exciting week ahead–I can't wait! :) #
- Travel Books with Missing Letters (a clever meme): http://bit.ly/qajvFF #
- Now, baking the first loaf of bread in our new house & everything smells yum! #Janastartsover #ohsodomestic #
- Ellycat is loving the house-so many cozy corners, patches of sun & interesting smells. Can't wait for her to meet the morning porchbunnies! #
August 2011
Will be taking a bit of a break from blogging for a few days. Because I need some time to just be with the people that I care about–for walks on the beach and hand-holding and long talks and pie-baking and sitting around the fireplace (as well as for finishing to unpack from our move and to get acquainted with our new foster-kitty, Demeter).
Such happy reasons for an online absence. :)
Recorded this soundbite during my lunchhour on my cellphone & am now listening to it over and over. I need to find a way to shield the mic from the wind, but otherwise this would be perfect– I especially love how you can ‘hear’ the sound of each car as it whooshes past me (click on the link below to listen).
The first night in my new house I spent a long time getting ready for bed–it was hard to find everything that I needed in the moving jumble. In the meantime I left the curtains wide open–enjoying the night view of my neighbor’s garden and my own. So, for about fifteen minutes I walked around the room rather naked (sort of my version of what a friend calls “the naked walk”–how when you have your own home you can have the pleasure of wandering around in the nude whenever you want to). It wasn’t until last night when I was driving to the house at night, approaching it from the back rather than the front–that I realized my bedroom window is in full view of the street running alongside it. It’s a fairly quiet street, but it’s not *that* quiet.
Oops. :)
I’ve talked about my rodent-phobia a few times before on this blog, but for those new here, I’ll just summarize: it’s ugly. Rodents give me panic-attacks. The first time my ex heard me encounter a possum on a dark night, he thought I was being raped because of my screams for help.
I know, I know. It’s a stupid, cliche fear. I’m way bigger than them and they don’t want to see me any more than I want to see them (except for that one possum–the one who decided that even a bruising with a broom wouldn’t budge him)…
But really the rodent-phobia is not about rodents. It’s about the unknown. It’s about something that can live close by and be there even when I don’t know it. It’s about the ability for something to cross my path when I’m not expecting it.
It’s about my vulnerability.
I wasn’t always afraid of rats, and near as I can tell, the fear emerged about mid-way through high school. Right at the same time that I had some fear-producing encounters with men of not-so-good intentions. I knew I couldn’t run away from them. I knew I wasn’t strong enough to fight them. I knew there was no one who could be there all the time to ensure my safety. In short, my fear of small beasties became symbolic of my own inability to protect myself from danger–usually danger in dark or unknown places. About that same time I stopped watching suspense and horror movies, too. I couldn’t tolerate that feeling that something was about to jump out at me from around the corner, from under my bed, from the darkness not lit be streetlamps.
Why I became afraid of rats specifically, I’m not sure. But perhaps it was a kind of mental shorthand for my inability to say that I was afraid of knowing that I couldn’t run or scream or defend myself. Somehow rodent-phobia became mapped to that part of my brain…
On a somewhat related note: on my iPad right now is a book called The Butcher and the Vegetarian (delightful book–I highly recommend it!). The author draws a strong connection between her desire to eat meat and her desire to acquire a kind of masculine power:
Eating meat might be the most normal thing in the world to other people, but to me it feels indulgent, forbidden, deviant…Not only that, meat is total guy food. I’d be lying if I told you that isn’t part of the appeal. Meat comes with a boys’ club atmosphere of testosterone and machismo.
Undoubtedly my turn to eating meat (after more than a decade of vegetarianism) this past year is tied to my desire to become more ‘manly’–the original motivation came from a bodybuilding regimen. I was ready to build some not-so-ladylike muscle. But also comes from a desire to be more strong and courageous through the divorce proceedings. During that time I craved meat, especially beef, constantly–not only did it make me feel satisfied and full far longer than a salad, it made me feel assertive and powerful.
Once, while I was in the midst of living in Pasadena (where I’d moved temporarily while my ex was cleaning his stuff out of our shared apartment) I encountered a mouse one late evening. It’s a long story, and wasn’t pretty. The kids were with me and had to nurse me through a long night of tears and my heart racing so hard I couldn’t breathe well. Although I was terrified of the mouse, it was also probably also the only time that I truly let myself physically express the terror of what was happening to my life. I was so afraid (of rodents and men and love and the future). I felt vulnerable in ways that I never had before. I was panicking about more than a mouse. I was panicking about my life.
So, now, I’m having to face that down again. The day before I was slated to move into my new home, an inspection turned up some rat feces. Perhaps old ones, but it was inconclusive. My insecurities welled up all over the place. Mostly, because I’ve never moved to a new place on my own and I’m carrying a boxload of concerns related to this change. So in some ways, I’m not at all surprised by the rats–it seems like a kind of cosmic justice meted out to force me to face my own vulnerability. Because it’s quite possible that I will encounter one of these creatures when I’m home alone on a night very soon. And it will be just me and just that rodent–there will be no spouse or child or friend to put their arms around me and tell me that I’m going to be okay. And I’m steeling myself for that possibility, for what it’s like to hear those scratches and bumps and creaks in the night and I wonder if they mean a rodent is nearby.
That, and I’m having steak for dinner again tonight, methinks….
- Good morning! http://instagr.am/p/JUMg9/ #
- We're heading out now to spend our first night in the new house. Woot! #Janastartsover #
- Kids to me at dinner: "Mom, you're a better teenager than we are." #truth :) #
- Totally geeking out today about using WordPress for Task Management: http://bit.ly/qk7F4T #
- MT @ReginaNigro
Chloe is an excellent actress but can we agree Emily the Strange should be animated, not live action? http://bit.ly/o6MD9R # - The theme song for my move this week, thanks for the inspiration @patrick_mj! http://youtu.be/XgEfYGzojcA #Janastartsover #bringit2011 #
- Yellowtail sashimi @sushiwave is better than dessert! http://lockerz.com/s/125533762 #
- Just spent an hour over at the new house, enjoying the back porch. I can't believe how ready I am for this! #Janastartsover #bringit2011 #
- Haven't even opened this drawer since I started using @zotero. so much paper! #Janastartsover http://lockerz.com/s/123400212 #
- MT @grannybike: this sounds like a lot of the people in my life. http://t.co/AXISIvi // mine, too. #
- Most of my drawers at work are empty except this one…. http://instagr.am/p/I04Qm/ #
- RT @westcenter: RT @NiemanLab: Move over, Spaghetti Western! Here is a Cereal Western. About Marshall McLuhan. http://nie.mn/pWYxLf #
- MT @anselm: always love the fog around here http://t.co/N8FYhik // oh, so beautiful & serene! #
Almost a decade ago, I started keeping a blog at enivri.com. My first “About” is below. So much has changed, and so much is the same…It’s a bit painful to see how strongly I defined myself by who I was married to–if you’d have known me then, you would have realized that more of my conversation was about my spouse than about me. My entire world revolved around him…That’s one thing (among many) that I’m working to change in my current and future relationships–letting them add ‘spice’ to my life without letting them dominate every facet of it. But there is still some little-girl part of me that could easily let herself be swept away by a Prince Charming again, and invest every bit of herself in him. That thought scares me more than just a little bit…
I wear a facade for most of my day-to-day interactions. This façade self is fairly aloof and businesslike. However I am lucky enough to have several people in my life who know the ‘real me.’ One of them is my husband of 10 years. We married very young, when we were both 21, because we knew we’d found a good thing. We’ve weathered some pretty rough storms, yet always managed to surface together. Perhaps it is not ironic that one of our favorite recreational activities is tandem kayaking where we synch our paddling rhythms together to reach a destination. I have several women friends, most of whom I correspond with via email. I don’t like talking on the phone, but love the Internet–I’d rather carry on a conversation in text than by voice.
If you were one of my best friends you might know that I enjoy gardening, waterfalls, and I only go to the beach in the winter. I’m peso-vegetarian, I love black & white movies and the smell of vanilla. Some of my favorite pastimes are listening to the music of Sting, eating red grapes, and taking naps lying on the living room floor. I don’t own a TV. I am very sensitive to violence. I hate to cry in public, but often feel like I want to–especially when parents are cruel to their children. I am a pacifist, anti-capitalist, and an environmentalist. I have ‘synesthesia’, which means that I have overlapping sensory experiences. For example, when I look at paintings in art gallery, I hear music. When I feel intense emotions, I see the colors and shapes of my feelings in my mind. My strongest sense is that of smell. I am very picky about fragrances, detergents, and so forth because the wrong one can be quite troubling to me.
Just about anyone who knows me knows that I am passionate about literature. I own thousands of books and read 4 or 5 new ones each week. I have a perfect job–I am the ‘Review Editor’ for a literary journal. This means I have dozens of books shipped to me each week that I have to read and write about, or to assign to my pool of reviewers. Through my job I get to hobnob with many excellent writers and attend literary conferences.
And here’s what I wrote, way back then, about our move to UCI–when I started back to school and ceased being a full-time, stay-at-home Mom. I knew then that the move to campus and to graduate school would alter my life in dramatic ways. I didn’t know that I would leave the Mormon church and divorce. Had I known then what I know now, I’m not sure how or what I would have done differently. My now-self thinks that my then-self was awfully brave to start on an academic path. It has not been an easy one…
8.20.2002
Return
Our family is moving this week. Not to a bigger house (like my friend Brenda who showed me her palatial new 5 bedroom home today). No, we’re moving to an apartment just one building away from where John and I lived as young (and impoverished) newlyweds.
Why are we doing this? Good question. The move is borne of years of planning, prayer and hope. About 3 years ago John and I realized that our lives weren’t satisfying. John was on the corporate ladder, making a fine salary with the promise of vesting in a profitable company. I was a SAHM with 2 perfectly wonderful kids. What could be wrong? We realized that we’d lost the idealism of our youth–when the corporate world and middle-class America paled in comparison to the world-traveling, educated college professors that we intended to be. Two kids later, with college loans to be repaid, the lure of IT jobs, etc., the dream had evaporated.
Then a family vacation to the UK, a re-examination of our marriage commitments, and another family member diagnosed with terminal cancer. We realized that life was just too short to be pursuing goals without passion. John downscaled his job and started working for the university. I re-entered school part-time to take the classes I would need to prepare for grad school.
And now here we are, just three days away from the final leap–a move to campus housing at the university where I will be enrolled full-time this fall. Yahoooo!!!
I’m a firm believer in the power of community. I believe that none of us should be afraid to lean on each other or gather support from a network of friends. But, I’m also learning that there are moments that I need to stand alone…
My move this week is a big step for me. I’ve never signed a lease on my own or moved myself without aid. As a matter of fact, I’m sure that for most of my life I felt that I couldn’t have done either of these things successfully, which is why I’ve eschewed nearly all offers for help on this move. Although I’ve had many friends stop by and keep me company as I pack, and have had many friends drop by empty boxes for me to use, I’m going at this on my own (and thank you, all, for your kind offers–I appreciate them so very much).*
Perhaps it’s because there’s still a lot of my ex’s stuff to sort through or perhaps it’s the need for a very clean break with this move, but whatever the reason, I needed to not have help with this. I needed to know that I could do it with my own two hands and my own strong back. I’ve planned ahead for weeks and packed small, liftable boxes. I’ve taken load after load to the Goodwill and the dumpster. I’ve given away many of the larger pieces of furniture. A friend with a truck will come and help me schlep some of the furnishings that require more than two hands to carry, two neighbors helped me move the beast of a file cabinet out of my storage closet, and the kids have carried some loads to/from the car–but the bulk of this I’ve done by myself. At this point I’m on the tail end of things and I wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t admit to some level of exhaustion. But the end is in sight and I can’t believe how smoothly it’s gone so far.
I realized, in chatting with a friend last night, that what I’m the most afraid of with this move, is of failure. I’m afraid that I might’ve made a mistake in arranging for this home to live in. I’m afraid that I might’ve bitten off too much to care for (this home is at least twice the size of my current place, though still small-ish by California standards). I’m afraid that maybe I can’t actually afford the extravagance of a home (even though it’s still well within my means). I’m afraid that I might not be ready to move away from the block where I’ve lived for 15 of the past 20 years (oh, that is huge change! Huge!).
But as I sat on the edge of my new-to-me bed last night and looked out the window (the one that looks out over the deck and garden) and felt the cool night breeze on my face…I lost much of that fear. It’s time for this change, I know it. And I’m ready for whatever consequences will come of it.
*the one exception to this is my kids’ stuff–they are packing and moving their own things.
And, for your listening pleasure….here’s the song that’s become my mantra for this move. I love humming along to it while packing. :)
I got my right leg adjusted to be 1/8 of an inch shorter this afternoon. All of a sudden, everything is feeling easier–and it’s shocking to me that I haven’t realized that for about six months that I was walking on a limb that was a wee bit too long.
But what an amazing difference. I feel so ready to take on the world tonite…one step at a time. :)
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